Wednesday, June 29, 2016

June 29th, 2016

Are you vegan yet dear friend? Can you hear me calling out to you? Can you see that you are being called to reconnect, to reclaim, to cherish and treasure a part of yourself that you have forsaken, forgotten, banished to the outskirts of your consciousness. Can you see that you have made yourself so much smaller than what you truly are? Can you feel how beautiful, how compassionate, how spiritually whole you are becoming? I can feel you coming closer to me. I am here to embrace you, to welcome you, to honor you. I will always be here to take you in to the deeper and deeper recesses of my mind and soul, to show you the layers of beauty and inspiration that you have available to you....Come, come in, you are welcome, put down your weary bags, rest, recover....there is so much here for you to love. And we need you. We need you. You are needed here with us. You belong here sweet child of love and of light. You belong here with us.

June 29th, 2016

The suffering of the animals causes me great suffering, great pain, great sorrow. The numb disconnectedness that the majority of us chose TERRIFIES me. I am scared of what we have become. Scared of how lost we are. Of how far we have ventured away from our own souls. My only desire is to bring unity and compassion so that we can be whole again. So that we can be who we are meant to be. So that we can live in peace with ourselves. We, we, we, we have lost our way. We have fallen so far from our ourselves.

June 29th, 2016

This is what terrifies me about all of us. That we continue to feast on suffering and torture as though it wasn't happening. How have our hearts become so dead? How have we relinquished our souls? How can we know, see, feel and continue to live as though we did not know? Please, can you help me understand? I am so lost in their suffering and I mourn the loss of our humanity.

June 17th, 2016

We support animal abuse with every one of our meals. We pet and cuddle our dogs and pay for cows, pigs and chickens to be tortured, maimed, confined and broken down. We tell ourselves that we love animals as we wipe the sides of our mouths that dribble with the remains of anguished animals. We have stolen everything from them, the grass, the sun, the air, their children. We have broken their spirits down, leaving them to bash their heads against the cold iron bars and the stinking cages that confine them. And we do all of this with such an air of entitlement as though it is our god-given right to do so. Shame? Guilt? Responsibility? We stifle all of this. After all everyone is doing it. I hate lunch time at MassArt. I hate witnessing people that I otherwise like fill their guts with tortured carcasses and stolen secretions as they talk about nothing that could be as relevant and as horrible as what is on their plates. Lunch time is a time of mourning for me. A time of alienation and isolation. A time to feel and be and suffer with the animals.

June 16, 2016

A great disease will sweep through our nation. Many will die, children included. The disease will come from contaminated meat and milk. The government will do all that it can to cover up the truth. Spiritually, the disease already exists. It won't be long before it manifests physically. Our own determination to remain blind and callous to the suffering that we are causing will catch up with us big time.

June 15th, 2016

When we lift the veils of our denial we are confronted with a truth so terrible and horrific that it shakes the very foundations of our being. Those that have been initiated are purified and given new eyes with which to see and understand all matters of this earthly world. As the blinders fall way we are liberated. With our liberation comes a deep and driven sense of responsibility to all living beings, animals and humans. Our every thought and action is motivated by the desire to untie the blindfolds, to release the shackles and to open the doors to the cages that confine, mangle and mutilate our spiritual evolution and our consciousness.

June 11th, 2016

The divine feminine communicates through the animals. She is compassion, intuition, connection and courage. She is within me and all around me and I am humbled by her generosity and by her beauty. She bestows me with gifts so precious and so tender that my heart breaks open in gratitude and my soul sings in awe. To serve her is my greatest prayer.

June 10th, 2016

Creativity at its essence is a process of discovery. We must be willing to let go of our plans and our notions so as to remain open to what is coming next. We can practice this through process-oriented painting or through a process that I call 'discovery painting.'

June 10th, 2016

I look into people's bodies and I can see the blockages. The blockages are so profoundly horrible that I cry from seeing them. I see people that have such incredible spiritual potential that are almost completely obstructing their potential by the consumption of terror, grief and violence. I weep for the loss of all of this spiritual potential. I weep for the loss of all of this beauty that is here for us but that we have lost access to. And then I meet a baby goose that comes to help me and I know how blessed I am.

June 10th, 2016

As we remove meat and dairy from our bodies we free ourselves from the vibrations of terror, grief and violence. A spiritual dimension that was formerly blocked to us begins to open. In this dimension the physical and the spiritual are experienced and recognized as one.The multi-dimensionality of time becomes evident.The physical as a manifestation of the spiritual is obvious. Did the goose find me? Or did I find the goose? Or were the goose and I always one?

Monday, May 23, 2016

I had some powerful imagery in my dreams from this morning that I want to look at more deeply.

One was a horse. The horse was jumping up and down, really high into the air, almost like flying. He was higher than everything around him. And he was jumping from joy. I was left with a sense of awe. A sense that I was witnessing a great miracle and that something deeply spiritual was happening in joy and beauty.

In my own life I feel that I am connecting more and more to what I want to be doing. I feel connected to a deep and nourishing center, of gushing creativity....

This force, this horse was celebrating something and he was bringing awe and beauty and justice to all of those around him.

Horses don't jump off of the ground. Oh, but they do. They do. They do.

And then there was a huge, huge, huge white snake with black speckles and he was very beautiful. And somehow I was not afraid of him at all. I was in awe of his beauty. Someone was holding his face and I could see that the snake was there just as the horse was, to inspire beauty and awe in me and to offer me friendship and support.

I felt a sense of liberation and celebration and awe.

It is the first time that a huge snake appeared in my dream as something that aroused awe in me.

Awe and friendship. The snake was there to help me gain spiritual strength and to offer me his wisdom and great strength.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Friday, May 13, 2016

From my timeline:

"I am from planet Vegan. On planet vegan we dance and sing with the animals. We especially love the cows and the pigs and the chickens. Everywhere we are surrounded by animals and by vegetation. We are happy on planet vegan. But some of us had to leave planet vegan because we saw that planet earth was destroying itself and we felt deep sorrow for the human beings that were suffering and causing suffering. So we left our spiritual realm and we came to this physical plane. Life here is very hard for those of us from planet Vegan. Some of us even ate other spiritual beings and wore other spiritual beings while we were here only to find out that we had been harming life. Our hearts broke for the suffering that we caused and we yearned to return to planet vegan where the spiritual and the physical are one and where kindness prevails. On planet vegan we were taught that the animals were our brothers and our sisters. We were in awe of their intelligence. We were humbled by the way they loved us and communicated with us. When we came to earth we lost our way. Now we have so much work to do to restore and to heal life. We are tired but we know where we come from and our mission is clear. We are here to teach love. We are here to protect life. We are here now and one day soon we will return to where we came from. One day soon we will live in joy and in harmony with our brothers and sisters, the animals and with all of nature again. I am from planet vegan. I am here for only a very short time."

              -Atara Schimmel

Morning has officially arrived and I am still not tired. Breaking through all of my fears of is exhilarating and seeing the waves that breaking through my own fears has created in the 'external' world is a incredible. But the fact remains that 75 million animals are killed every day in America alone. Still, I have proven to myself that I don't have to die from despair. I can speak my truth and celebrate my victories and watch how each internal barrier that I break through reverberates in the 'external' world. In reality there is no separation between any of us. We are all each other and we are the animals as much as they are us. Their suffering is ours. Our denial is their despair. Our liberation is their liberation. Their liberation is our liberation. The challenge is to remain loving and compassionate and hopeful and to keep on working. The challenge is to take care of my teeth!

And to fall asleep. Please.


And my video "I don't want to see it" has been viewed 1700 times and I find that exhilarating too. And maybe a bit scary too.

It is once again connecting to a power that I have and for the first time I can use this power for something that is calling me,....

But first my teeth. My teeth must come before everything else.


It is liberating to no longer have to tip-toe in this world of absurd cruelty. Liberation is beautiful.



I can't sleep. It is the first time since Pudendal Neuralgia that I am letting my sexuality lead the way. It is scary and exhilarating. I am moving and that is part of it to. It feels like things are happening fast and that despite being sick and bed-ridden lately with fibromyalgia, my creativity which now feels deeply connected to my sexuality is leading the way. It has been a long time since I let myself play. I watched my video of me dancing at least 15 times and the excitement is in my stomach...excitement and fear ?...

I repressed my sexuality for so long. I thought that it was dead. That it was a part of me that belonged to the past before Pudendal Neuralgia. Watching myself dance is like seeing me, the way I was before PN, playful, sexy, ...taunting in a playful joyous way.

Pudendal Neuralgia killed all of that. In the beginning I thought that I was being punished for having had numerous partners in my life. It was not rational thinking but there was nothing, absolutely nothing rational about Pudendal Neuralgia.

I though that PN killed, decimated, exterminated my sexuality....And now I see it before me, in its full-force and it scared me. Can I control it? Do I need to control it? Can I let it go free? I want to let it go free. I want to just let it go. To let it be.

Goddess, how I loved to dance. And how the boys watched me, mesmerized to me when I danced. And how I loved the attention. It was safe. I was protected in my own little bubble of self-expression. At the Bustan in Israel where I used to dance the boys were respectful. I could express myself in all of my creativity and in all of my overflowing sensuality and they watched with respect....They didn't try to possess or to conquer. There were enough beautiful women and everyone was expressing themselves. It was free-style dancing. Sometimes I would get on the floor and dance and pray and worship and love and I could dance myself into ecstasy. Lots of time my dancing became prayers for the men that I worked with that were suffering from severe mental illness. I would reach ecstasy and I would be fueled with tremendous faith and awe in their resilience, in their resilience to continue embracing life despite their devastating illnesses. Dancing gave me an outlet for the pain and the sorrow and it opened pathways to healing, to insight, to hope and to deeper relationship. I was in awe, blessed by their willingness and their desire to meet me (I was their therapist/creative and expressive arts therapist but more often I felt that I was their student...) And I felt blessed that they entrusted me with their deepest fears and their deepest desires and that they got out of their beds to meet me. I felt privileged, chosen.....I worked in a psychiatric hospital on an all male ward...the ward seemed to wake up when I arrived. The men loved me. My stomach is turning as I write this. I can feel the fear rising. What I am afraid of? Is it frightening to admit my own power? To admit to the fact that other women were jealous of my success? My success in creating meaningful connections, my success in getting men out of their beds, beds that stunk from depression and stomach hurts as I write this....Why does it scare me so to admit....that I was powerful, that I could wake up a whole ward of depressed and despondent men.....with my love, with my innate sensuality, with my curiosity...I could feel the resentment from some of the women that worked on the ward....they resented the fact that it came so easy for me...they resented the fact that I was so loved....that I loved so easily....that I succeeded in creating relationships and .....did they resent my sexuality?

I never used my sexuality. It was such a natural part of who I was. I was deeply sensual. And then PN came and crushed me, completely.

It is 4:00 in the morning and I wish that I could sleep but I can't. I feel fear and exhilaration,.....watching myself play through my is like meeting her again. I am afraid of her....she didn't control her sexuality....she let it lead her...and she got burnt time and time again....especially in is it fear of what I will attract....fear of the predators that were always after stomach hurts more....this must be part of it.....the fear of men that I carried within me from the assaults....India, the train, the army, the many endless times was I .....until I hated men with all of my guts, hated their ever-hungry .....India wounded me forever....

But I don't care. I want to celebrate. I want to let my sexuality go out and play. I want to be set free. I want to share what is naturally mine. Like it or not, I am sexy, deeply and beautifully sexy. I have always been deeply and beautifully sensual. Spring is here. Something that I thought was dead has expressed itself today.

My sorrow and despair for the animals has led to a new-found creativity and sensuality. It was either die and drown with them or fight for my life. I have always fought for my life through my creativity and through my sensuality.

I have reconnected to my creative powers....acting, dancing....the cynicism/sarcasm that is coming through, the new-found freedom that I feel in being able to mock the insanity of it all through my acting.....I am finding my way through what felt like an aching pit of sorrow and despair that would never end....I am fighting for the animals now with every creative cell in my body...and I am trying my best to do it joyfully, playfully, faithfully.

And I am finally going home to take care of myself. To take care of my teeth. To take responsibility for everything that is falling apart and crumbling, wiggling and wobbling in my own teeth, I am finally ready to do everything that I can to save you.....

So, I feel ready to leave Provincetown. Even excited, As though some great adventure is awaiting me. But I also just feel a deep sense of relief in the fact that I am going to get help for my teeth.

My mouth is a mess. My teeth are horribly wiggly. I will be toothless soon. The combination of the wiggly teeth and the restless tongue syndrome (I can't control it, it is a side-effect from the medications that I was on for so long) The combination is a killer. I can't stop pushing my tongue into my teeth. And the feeling in my mouth is pain and it is just so strange to have a mouth full of wiggly teeth. The four bottom teeth won't last much longer. So, I am in need of help. And I hope that I can save my teeth. If not I will have to get used to the idea of losing my teeth and having false teeth. That isn't a pleasant thought and the feeling in my mouth is very far from pleasant.

Despite all of this....I have succeeded in breaking through the profound depression and sorrow that took over my Spirit...the despair, the pits of despair that the animals are in, the realms of hell that we have created for the......

Somehow the creative Spirit is stronger....somehow faith has to reign because each one of them matters....and if I can free one, two, three, four....each one is a victory.

The birds are chirping. Morning is coming and I haven't slept and this sucks because i have so little time and still a lot to do ....packing and moving and organizing.....

But somehow the resurrection of my sexuality has gotten ahead of me and I have lost the reigns a bit.

Exhaustion will come.

And my teeth will finally be helped. I am ready to receive help.

Oh sleep please come. I need you.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Maybe my mistake was in actually thinking that ACOG was part of the solution. Believing that if they only knew the truth they would change things.

Maybe what I should have seen is that ACOG is the problem and maybe what I am beginning to accept is that knocking on their door is like knocking on the devil's door asking for some compassion. Why on earth would the devil give you compassion and healing when he makes money from your suffering. He wouldn't.

Naivete goodbye.

Our medical system is so corrupt and I am only beginning to awaken.

Good morning Vegan Sisters.

“It is simply no longer possible to believe much of the clinical research that is published, or to rely on the judgment of trusted physicians or authoritative medical guidelines. I take no pleasure in this conclusion, which I reached slowly and reluctantly over my two decades as an editor of The New England Journal of Medicine.”

-Marcia Angell

On another note though it is the very same note indeed. I continue to get resistance. Even here in so called opened minded provincetown. Matt from the library told me that people came to complain to him about my performing  my mesh poem. Was the word 'Vagina' just too much for our open-minded and progressive Provincetown audience? Mind you an audience that consisted of local writers and poets?

It seems that whatever I do is not right and that wherever I turn people are trying to silence me.

I have never called myself or considered myself to be radical in any shape or form. The concept that it is radical to be compassionate and to speak up for those that are suffering be it humans or an insult to my basic intelligence.

-Atara Schimmel