Saturday, October 14, 2017

I am reading through my blog and I find it strange to relate to me of 7 years earlier.... I don't know what has changed. Have I become more bitter? More cynical? Have I lost some intrinsic faith in human beings that somehow I still had maintained during the first years of my illness?

Has the abuse from family and the subsequent PTSD worn a hole in my soul? I seem to be much less forgiving, much more angry these days. I was angry back then too. But something about my faith in the kindness of human beings has changed.

It is hard to admit that I hate and do I really have to admit that to anyone? Who is this blog for anyway?

And why do I chose to continue living when so much of my life is suffering?

I don't have such clear answers, not the way that I used to. I still feel an obligation and a responsibility to raise awareness.

But I don't love the way that I used to.

It seems that the unkindness of my neighbors has worn me out. My older brother's abuse of me has terrorized me and my parent's denial of his abuse has finally caught up with me.

I have forgotten how to forgive and so my suffering in addition to the physical pain is profoundly and desperately emotional.

I read a girl in my blog. I can't really find her in me anymore.

These days I am an angry Goddess that in her wrath spits fire all around her and then jumps into the flames.

Thomas said that he kneels on his feet and prays for the willingness to pray for his enemie's happiness.

I started last night.

I want to return to Israel, not because it is any better. The doctors were horrible there. But because I want my home back. I want to go home.

Home isn't here. It never was. I don't believe that it ever will be.

And I am ready to leave.

I had so many dreams and now what I want most is peace and quiet.

But even with that said, I still want to create the documentary and now that Michael is willing to work with me in exchange for the camera and the tripod, how can I leave, literally, how can I leave this world, this Goddamn America, this body, this anger, this blame, this hellish life.....when I know that maybe, just maybe, I will finally create a documentary that will help many many people.

That god-damn girl is still in me, covered up in wounds and wishing-wells gone black and blue from being punched and beaten......

Who the fuck else will do it if not me?

So how can I leave when I still have this work to do here.

                           -Atara Schimmel

The Goddess Joshea.

It has been such a difficult time. I don't even want to find the words. I just want relief from it. The pain has been bad for two months now and with it the exhaustion. And them the medical marijuana that landed me in the psychiatric hospital. Had I been in my right mind I would have not landed myself in the hospital but I wasn't. I can own that. I have to own that in order to move on and continue healing.

Tonight I started working on the angel from Jill Osborne, the IC angel. I liked her. She had a sweetness and she captured my despair and my suffering but she was just too sad to be an angel for us. I knew that we needed an angel that spoke of courage rather than despair, an angel that marked resilience, tenacity and courage as her gifts. She had to have the power to unite people that were suffering, to teach them that no matter what they could heal themselves. So I said goodbye to the first angel that was sweet and oh so sorrowful and went into the abyss. This was after hours of working on and seeking and teasing out the first angel. I was starting to feel really defeated, thinking that I had ruined her and that had I only been able to accept her as she was everything would have been fine.

Instead here I was meeting the abyss again, exhausted, tormented, having to offer a painting to Jill and feeling empty and lost with nothing to offer. When the Goddess Joshea appeared before me. She is not sorrowful. If she is sad she carries it differently. She is exceptionally creative and she inspires and teaches brings women together to teach healing. She is an artist and her first most obvious quality is her humility. She carries her power in a simple and honest way. Her only desire to offer healing and to alleviate suffering. 

I love her and I am going to crown her. I am going to do some detailed work around her face. I am not sure what yet but maybe I will be inspired by the shawl that I bought. 

Atara Schimmel

Working on the angel for Jill Heidi Osborne , an IC angel and she totally changed. She had light blue eyes and very dark skin and she looked oh so sad. I liked her, she captured my sadness, my despair in her expression with a soft and humble sweetness. But Her skin color bothered me. Not because she was dark (i love dark) but because her complexion was greenish and i felt that she just wasn't quiet singing to me. As usual in the creative process, I struggle through a lot of emotions and explore many things, working to find an expression that resonates with me, that can speak for me. I ended up ruining her and discovering a completely different ....I went through a phase of frustration where I thought that I had simply destroyed her and would not find anything else in the painting...this was after working for hours.....i persisted, determined not to give up....something, someone had to come through....i couldn't have just let her go for nothing......and finally something did come through. I am calling her the Goddess Joshea as she seems to be more of a Goddess than an angel though she has the wings of my angels. I have yet to discover more of her but for now she seems to have taken me a step further into my own healing. The first angel spoke of all of the trauma that I have survived, of pain and suffering and loss. She maintained her innocence and kindness despite it all but I couldn't hear her singing. It takes courage to be willing to let something go in order to discover the unknown. What if there is nothing in the unknown? What if the emptiness is all that we will meet? How do we embrace the black hole, after all black holes only suck is in to themselves. I was struggling with all of this when the Goddess Joshea finally appeared. What a relief to find her just when I thought that I had messed up my painting, my hours of work gone to nothing just because I couldn't accept my own imperfections. Just because I didn't love my angel enough. There she was telling me that it takes courage to let go, that it takes courage to jump into the unknown, that deep healing takes place in that abyss, that in order to truly transform ourselves we have to be willing to jump into that abyss even if our wings are no longer working. This is the faith that creativity offers. The key is being willing to explore, to let go, to lose something just for the chance of finding something that might speak to you more deeply. In exchanging the familiar for the unknown we meet with wisdom and in that meeting our wings teach as that flight is the by-product of courage......

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

As my pain levels rise

And i feel myself trapped and chained to my own body

my cell

this prison

soft and supple to all who look

electrocutions and sharp glass slicing through me

i think of you

i long for you

there is no love for me to find

i am trapped with you

baby calf

just born

small and tender

longing for your mothers touch

chained to the darkness, to a tiny stall

And all the ones that i have loved

mother, father, brother promised me that milk was good for me

that milk is mine to take

today i can find no lover

all my lovers drink your mothers milk

confining you to terror and anxiety

to darkness

a small crate, a chain around your neck

oh goddess, the tears roll down my cheeks

my body heaves with my weeping

the pain flashes through my pelvis

over and over

and i see you

before me

forsaken and lost

and all i want is to set you free

as deeply as i wish to be set free

all i want is to love

but there is no lover awaiting me

my lovers drink your mothers milk

and confine you to a cell

the same cell that my body has become to me

i see the chain around your neck

and the tears, hot and desperate spill out of me

Why, why, i cry, i plead

Why, why do we do this to you?

Why, why am I so small that I cannot save you

that I cannot save myself myself from this suffering

we became one long ago

the day i understood that milk meant veal

and understood that i had always been vegan

if i had only been told the truth

i never would have let you suffer like this

baby calf

i am you

i became you

the day i knew

that milk was no longer mine to take

baby calf

can i unshackle the chains?

can i take you out of the darkness?

may i return you to your mother?

she is so desperate, her whole body aching for you

in the same horrible way that my own body racked with pain cries out to be held by a lover

but there are no lovers

all my lovers have forsaken me

eating your mothers, drinking your milk, confining you to a life of terror and despair

the tears have dried now

my body has stopped its heaving

the pain still chains me to its cruelty

i lay myself down beside you

baby calf

we are together

i will never forsake you again now that i know the truth

I will wait patiently to meet a lover that understands that love is vegan

and that loving me means loving you

-Atara Schimmel

Thursday, December 15, 2016

And as I journeyed further
Walking through the golden gateway of compassion
I found that all of the shattered pieces that I had thought were 'my self'
Were but beautiful reflections of all of us
It was in this shattering
That I awoke
To how tightly I held onto this sense of self
that was nothing but an illusion
As I bent down to collect the broken remains
I saw that each shard
that I had thought was 'me'
was just a reflection
I held the shards up to the light
recognizing all the forms of suffering and sorrows
And vowed to practice compassion
even more deeply
It had become clear to me that 'i' was made of nothing of any substance
And that there was only one unifying force
and that it was my duty to learn and to study and to practice
the way

-Atara Schimmel
It became clear to me
as I shattered
into a million pieces
that there was only one gateway out of this hell
It became clear to me that I could choose to continue suffering
trapped in rage, sorrow, despair for eons
Or I could make my way to the golden gate
that stood before me
humble and small
shackled and bound and utterly free all at once
And so I walked through that gateway
the gateway of compassion
And there I found all of the pain that I had been shutting out of myself
And all of the suffering that I had been denying
And i came to it with love
And I came to it with tenderness
And I came to it with forgiveness
And i was healed
-Atara Schimmel

Sunday, December 11, 2016

My hands are not broken yet.
I will weave fire.
And I will carry this burden back to you.
To be a balm for all those that still suffer.

I will restore my own healing.
I will weave fire and flame.

Wait and see.
you are not done with me
I will be back

the bullies might seem strong now
but they will fall
they will crumble down
as i walk over their forlorn bodies

there are those i will hear
and there are those i will pass over

justice and compassion will reign

Saturday, December 3, 2016

A facebook post of mine from August 20th, 2106. 

I spent the day at the farm sanctuary. I got the footage that I needed in order to finish my short documentary. I'll be editing it this week and will hopefully be uploading it to youtube and sharing it on facebook very soon. It will be awesome if you'll help me spread the vegan vision for a world free of violence by sharing it. Creating the documentary has helped me see the light in this time of darkness. My father relapsed into psychotic depression after three good years of remission. Having the documentary to focus on carried me through the shock, the despair and the anxiety. I feel for the animals so deeply. I feel their pain, their sorrow, their terror and I wish and pray that more and more people will awaken to their cry and will embrace the vegan message. After all we are all here to protect life. And those of us that suffer from chronic pain know what suffering is. My pain has taught me that every life that I can save is an entire world in and of itself. The most precious gift that my own suffering has given me is the gift of understanding suffering. At times I feel so angry at people, so hopeless, so disappointed. But I am determined to not let my despair paralyze me or render me impotent. I work because I know that that is what the animals ask of me. There are billions of them trapped and confined and tortured. But I won't surrender to the despair in numbers because each one is a world in and of herself/himself. Just as I begged and pleaded and prayed to be heard and seen and helped when I was dying from excruciating nerve pain, they beg and cry and plead to be heard and seen and helped. Their lives are no less tormented then mine was and I say this as a survivor of one of the most devastating chronic genital nerve pain conditions that exists. I know that many of the animals suffer as desperately as I did, confined and chained and robbed of their identities and of their spirits. Yes, I am crushed. Crushed by my father's illness and despair. And crushed by the magnitude of the animal's suffering. But I have no choice but to fight. Because that is what I hoped that others would do for me when I was suffering. For whatever reason I was granted healing. I take this healing and I offer it as a balm to all that are suffering still. May our suffering grant us clarity, compassion and dedication. May we take these gifts and raise the light up high so that our spirits can lead the way to a kinder world. A world grounded in awe, respect and gratitude. A world free of abuse and oppression. A world where all living beings see each other as manifestations of a life so sacred and so whole and so full of truth and of grace and of humility. I turn towards vegans and towards many compassionate souls that are not yet vegan, may healing be our guiding light. May we emancipate ourselves and each other from the devastating misconception that animals are ours to consume, to use and to produce. This misunderstanding separates us and blocks us from realizing our inevitable oneness and wholeness. I pray to compassionate souls to see that we have no need to exploit or use or eat or wear or ride the animals. Our deepest need is to love, to revere all life, to sanctify and honor ourselves and each other and the great mystery that we and the animals are. Amen.