Tuesday, December 20, 2016

As my pain levels rise

And i feel myself trapped and chained to my own body

my cell

this prison

soft and supple to all who look

electrocutions and sharp glass slicing through me

i think of you

i long for you

there is no love for me to find

i am trapped with you

baby calf

just born

small and tender

longing for your mothers touch

chained to the darkness, to a tiny stall

And all the ones that i have loved

mother, father, brother promised me that milk was good for me

that milk is mine to take

today i can find no lover

all my lovers drink your mothers milk

confining you to terror and anxiety

to darkness

a small crate, a chain around your neck

oh goddess, the tears roll down my cheeks

my body heaves with my weeping

the pain flashes through my pelvis

over and over

and i see you

before me

forsaken and lost

and all i want is to set you free

as deeply as i wish to be set free

all i want is to love

but there is no lover awaiting me

my lovers drink your mothers milk

and confine you to a cell

the same cell that my body has become to me

i see the chain around your neck

and the tears, hot and desperate spill out of me

Why, why, i cry, i plead

Why, why do we do this to you?

Why, why am I so small that I cannot save you

that I cannot save myself myself from this suffering

we became one long ago

the day i understood that milk meant veal

and understood that i had always been vegan

if i had only been told the truth

i never would have let you suffer like this

baby calf

i am you

i became you

the day i knew

that milk was no longer mine to take

baby calf

can i unshackle the chains?

can i take you out of the darkness?

may i return you to your mother?

she is so desperate, her whole body aching for you

in the same horrible way that my own body racked with pain cries out to be held by a lover

but there are no lovers

all my lovers have forsaken me

eating your mothers, drinking your milk, confining you to a life of terror and despair

the tears have dried now

my body has stopped its heaving

the pain still chains me to its cruelty

i lay myself down beside you

baby calf

we are together

i will never forsake you again now that i know the truth

I will wait patiently to meet a lover that understands that love is vegan

and that loving me means loving you

-Atara Schimmel

Thursday, December 15, 2016

And as I journeyed further
Walking through the golden gateway of compassion
I found that all of the shattered pieces that I had thought were 'my self'
Were but beautiful reflections of all of us
It was in this shattering
That I awoke
To how tightly I held onto this sense of self
that was nothing but an illusion
As I bent down to collect the broken remains
I saw that each shard
that I had thought was 'me'
was just a reflection
I held the shards up to the light
recognizing all the forms of suffering and sorrows
And vowed to practice compassion
even more deeply
It had become clear to me that 'i' was made of nothing of any substance
And that there was only one unifying force
and that it was my duty to learn and to study and to practice
the way

-Atara Schimmel
It became clear to me
as I shattered
into a million pieces
that there was only one gateway out of this hell
It became clear to me that I could choose to continue suffering
trapped in rage, sorrow, despair for eons
Or I could make my way to the golden gate
that stood before me
humble and small
shackled and bound and utterly free all at once
And so I walked through that gateway
the gateway of compassion
And there I found all of the pain that I had been shutting out of myself
And all of the suffering that I had been denying
And i came to it with love
And I came to it with tenderness
And I came to it with forgiveness
And i was healed
-Atara Schimmel

Sunday, December 11, 2016

My hands are not broken yet.
I will weave fire.
And I will carry this burden back to you.
To be a balm for all those that still suffer.

I will restore my own healing.
I will weave fire and flame.

Wait and see.
you are not done with me
I will be back

the bullies might seem strong now
but they will fall
they will crumble down
as i walk over their forlorn bodies

there are those i will hear
and there are those i will pass over

justice and compassion will reign

Saturday, December 3, 2016

A facebook post of mine from August 20th, 2106. 

I spent the day at the farm sanctuary. I got the footage that I needed in order to finish my short documentary. I'll be editing it this week and will hopefully be uploading it to youtube and sharing it on facebook very soon. It will be awesome if you'll help me spread the vegan vision for a world free of violence by sharing it. Creating the documentary has helped me see the light in this time of darkness. My father relapsed into psychotic depression after three good years of remission. Having the documentary to focus on carried me through the shock, the despair and the anxiety. I feel for the animals so deeply. I feel their pain, their sorrow, their terror and I wish and pray that more and more people will awaken to their cry and will embrace the vegan message. After all we are all here to protect life. And those of us that suffer from chronic pain know what suffering is. My pain has taught me that every life that I can save is an entire world in and of itself. The most precious gift that my own suffering has given me is the gift of understanding suffering. At times I feel so angry at people, so hopeless, so disappointed. But I am determined to not let my despair paralyze me or render me impotent. I work because I know that that is what the animals ask of me. There are billions of them trapped and confined and tortured. But I won't surrender to the despair in numbers because each one is a world in and of herself/himself. Just as I begged and pleaded and prayed to be heard and seen and helped when I was dying from excruciating nerve pain, they beg and cry and plead to be heard and seen and helped. Their lives are no less tormented then mine was and I say this as a survivor of one of the most devastating chronic genital nerve pain conditions that exists. I know that many of the animals suffer as desperately as I did, confined and chained and robbed of their identities and of their spirits. Yes, I am crushed. Crushed by my father's illness and despair. And crushed by the magnitude of the animal's suffering. But I have no choice but to fight. Because that is what I hoped that others would do for me when I was suffering. For whatever reason I was granted healing. I take this healing and I offer it as a balm to all that are suffering still. May our suffering grant us clarity, compassion and dedication. May we take these gifts and raise the light up high so that our spirits can lead the way to a kinder world. A world grounded in awe, respect and gratitude. A world free of abuse and oppression. A world where all living beings see each other as manifestations of a life so sacred and so whole and so full of truth and of grace and of humility. I turn towards vegans and towards many compassionate souls that are not yet vegan, may healing be our guiding light. May we emancipate ourselves and each other from the devastating misconception that animals are ours to consume, to use and to produce. This misunderstanding separates us and blocks us from realizing our inevitable oneness and wholeness. I pray to compassionate souls to see that we have no need to exploit or use or eat or wear or ride the animals. Our deepest need is to love, to revere all life, to sanctify and honor ourselves and each other and the great mystery that we and the animals are. Amen.

Monday, November 28, 2016

A love poem for you.

For your bravery in coping with so much suffering.

For taking so much on.

So that you could find your way through.

So that you could teach.

As the leaf blowers rage and you feel like you are splitting into pieces

sharp pieces that only desire to slice you down

into pieces


that you made it through

you made it through

over and over again

So what if you fall

so what if you become hard like a brick from anger

that devours you completely

you'll always be back

you will always be back

i can't stop writing  cuz i have been suffering so much

for so long now

And if i stop writing i will feel the knife lodged

this was supposed to be a love poem for myself

i don't know what it is

i just now that once again the leaf blowers came and stole all of my peace again

and i am so angry that my peace was stolen again

because of the lack of compassion
Every time the pain comes back I start ti feel like a victim again.

The anger appears.

I am devoured.

Pinned down again.

Begging for mercy.



Though my voice speaks clearly.

My words are clear.

Why do you not hear?

Has your heart no compassion?

Has your soul no mercy, no mercy for me?

Then I cling.

I try to run away.

As fast as I again.

Into something. Into something. Into anything but this pain, this suffering.

But the reminder of everything that I have survived.

Save me.

Save me.

Save me.

I call out.

To you.

As though you could.

It is just me escaping again.

Again and again. From the pain. From the suffering. From the anger. From the helplessness. From the memories. From the fear. From the anxiety. From the despair.

Again and again again in endless rounds I desperately try to escape these unbearable emotions that the leaf blowers trigger as the pain sets in and my nervous system spirals.

When when when will I b emancipated from this suffering?

Why why why must I suffer like this?

Where where where will I find peace.

And so so so what if I try to escape.

Isn't it natural.

When put in a cage don't we naturally try to find the way out.

But I know that I am doing something wrong.

I know that running.

I know that running.

I know that running.

What am I asking for, just for some peace and quiet.

Oh my god.

Why is this so hard to receive?

Why why why and when will I stop running away.

I want to be buddhist.

I really really do.

But I am constantly failing. Even in this moment in the way I judge and blame myself for wanting to escape.

Just accept it. Just watch it.

The way you try to escape.

And is there really anything wrong with wanting to escape?

Isn't that they way that you coped with pain for so long?

By distracting yourself. By forcing yourself to continue on.

Again and again. You fought through every minute and every moment.

Recognize how brave you are.