Friday, February 27, 2015

Choose Hope

Lady of the day. Yesterday was an anxiety-ridden day. Today, I am going to actively choose hope rather than trepidation. I am scared of the sensitivity that I have to noise. I recently learnt that there is a chronic pain condition called Hyperacusis. 

My sensitivity to sound/noise seems to be increasing. I find myself covering my ears often when I walk. The sound of trucks and traffic make me want to dissappear into the desert. My ears are ringing. Even the sound of my computer while I write this feels invasive. 
My art saves me every day. Somehow, it gives me hope that there still is a place for me in this world. I come from a world where nature, not machines reign. That is the world that my body evolved from and within. And here I am today, in this 'modern' world that is made of loud and obnoxious machinery. Leaf-blowers. 
How do I choose hope when I fear that I cannot survive in this world? How do I choose hope when my body unravels daily? How do I choose hope in an active way TODAY.

My lady came to being with a very clear message. Today I can choose hope and today I will choose hope. Not by denying the fear but by embracing hopefulness. Hopefullness that my body will heal. Hopefullness that I will create and am creating a life of value and meaning. Hopefullness that I will be able to protect my body from harmful sounds. My lady helped me yesterday. 

I will protect myself from loud and invasive sounds. I will protect myself from loud and invasive sounds. I will protect you from loud and invasive sounds.

I need to protect myself from loud and invasive sounds. They are unnatural and they are dangerous. All of my senses and my body evolved over millions of years from nature. I honor that. My body is not a machine. It is sensitive and soft-spoken. 

I understand. The question is how do I successfully protect myself when everywhere I turn there is machinery, cars, trucks, planes overhead...?

I need a plan. 

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Here is dear Dr. Echenberg!

It took a lot of work to get this video out. I was stubborn and persistent and only sent it out to the world once I felt that I did everything that I could do to make it the best possible. I got help from Michael, Steve and Andy and I have every intention of celebrating with them the birth of this little and mega-important video. I will continue sending it out to wider audiences through facebook and other channels. 

It was exciting to share my work with others. It feels good to know that I am reaching people. I am very grateful for NewTV, for the help that I get there and the opportunity I have to learn and to grow. I sure need a lot of that to gain some plasticity in my brain. I am working hard at winning back all of that dead white matter. 

Speaking of white, the snow is killing me. Even my PN pain has been sharper these past few days. I wonder if it is from all of the awkward ways that I position my body when I am painting/stamping/rubbing/scraping...the real things that doing my art means nowadays. My bedroom has turned into a studio. In other words I have given in to the mess, the constant chaos of supplies and papers and ideas in process everywhere.

One of my abstract paintings will be hanging at City Hall. I have to trudge through the castles of snow to deliver my piece tomorrow.

My art keeps me sane. It keeps me from sinking into the bottomless pit of depression and self-blame. I sometimes fall into the trap of blaming myself. Blaming myself for all the travelling I did in my younger years and the morbid diseases that my body was subjected to. Today for  the first time I thought that it would be healing to create a piece of art on this matter. Maybe a piece of art that celebrates my travels, my bravery, my curiosity.... to remind myself that I am not to blame. That none of this is my fault. That it is within my power to transform my suffering into a collective Healing. That the day will come that I will say for certain that all of this happened so that I could be a voice for the voiceless. It is a coping mechanism that works for me at least some of the time. I have to believe that my life didn't just get shot to hell for nothing. I have to believe that there is a greater good to all of this. I have to believe that I can and will and am creating this greater good.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Introducing my ladies.

I will be painting 30 ladies. One lady for each million of the 30 million women that suffer from pelvic pain. That is what came through. I do feel a sense of relief in having this focus and this clarity. I have a set goal that I can enjoy working towards. I am happy that I listened to and followed my natural attractions. I allowed myself to explore Kelly Rae's Art from beginning till end and back again for the past month. Her art has helped me get through the snow-storms and the horrible fibromyalgia symptoms of pain and deep fatigue.

My ladies are coming through.

She reminds of me of Noam, my younger brother, when he was a toddler. I love her. She is kind and sweet and gentle. She is comforting to look at.

I have been delving into my art lately. I have a lot of gratitude to express to my facebook friends. Friends have been so supportive in encouraging my art. Their encouragement inspires me to create more, to be relentless in my search, to persist until I find what I am looking for. And what is coming up for me is 'LOVE'! Who would have thought and what a surprise, right?

Yes, I would like to meet a wonderful soul in a male body to love and to honor till death do us part. I will try to make some effort there. Being snowed in and fibromyalgia-d out doesn't pave the way. But I promised myself to listen to the callings, those little timid yet persistent tweets in my heart. I can hear you.

Then there is the greater love, the love that I want to devote my life to. Art and Healing and all of the people that want to join me on this forever journey. I thought that it could be nice to share my art here. I imagine that at some point my blog will reach a wider audience. I feel like I should be investing more energy into my blog but all of my inspiration and motivation is in creating art. That is something to be grateful for. I have found a new passion and direction through meeting Kelly Rae Robert's art and through taking her online class. She has added and encouraged A LOT of positivity into my art and with no guilt. I seem to have accepted the fact that I want to create positive and inspiring and healing art.

I am okay with this. It takes a load of pressure off of me. I want to do something for the animals and I just have to trust that when the time is right it will come through. For now, what has come through is a lot of positive and healing artwork. I can focus on my strengths and on my joys and I can share them and inspire others. So many of us need to be creative, to be colorful, to be invigorated by and with the truth that we are Creators, that we are moon-Goddesses, that we can create beautiful and meaningful lives that are whole, passionate and expansive even from our very own beds and rooms.

Facebook has opened up for me a community that I feel deeply connected to. I know that there is a world out there that is eager to connect and to inspire. We are hungry, maybe even starving for life, for connection, for meaning. Art holds so much potential for us. I want to help people realize this potential. As the community strengthens and encourages me I am full of gratitude and yearn to share with them my passion. Maybe more so than ever I can feel the 'healing artist' within me being called and called upon. I know that I can share and teach and I want to do so. I want to share my passion.

This blog deserves more attention from me. This blog deserves to be loved, honored and cared for by me. Maybe I will slowly but surely infuse it with my love.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Gratitude. I want to spend more time with and in gratitude. I want to make a small space in my small room special for gratitude. I want to keep myself connected to the gifts that I am constantly receiving from life, from fellow people, from nature, from animals. The animals. I realize that I am afraid. But wait, but wait, but wait.

What am I waiting for? And why, even in this post, could I not give myself more time with gratitude? Why? I keep on thinking that I am not doing what I really want and need to do. I keep on thinking that I want to paint the animals. I am afraid of confronting the pain. I am afraid of having to look at the pain in their eyes and to once again feel so helpless and lost and confused and hopeless. To see everything that  I cannot do. To see all of the suffering that I cannot heal. I am afraid. I am afraid.

Because my heart breaks open and the pain rushes in and the tears flow. And then there is the release and the feeling of being connected to something much higher than myself that includes and loves the animals within it.

I am actively avoiding my work. I am actively telling myself that I am not strong enough to confront the pain and sorrow and suffering.

I keep on talking about what I want to do. The paints are in my room. I have the canvas. I have the photographs. I can do it. I can do it. It is my work. I can do my work.

I have to do my work. And yet I run away from it. I do other things. I once again jump into other artists work and want to paint like them.

I am afraid of the content of what I want to paint. I am afraid of the eyes. Because when I look into them I am swallowed in helplessness and ...

And here I go again, the tears are streaming,,,,I have to tell myself that I can do it. But the pain is so painful for me. And I feel so alone and helpless.

And still, and even so, I can do it. I am strong. I can do it. It is my work. I hope that you will paint your art today Atara.

Today and not tomorrow. Today. Because you can. You simply can. It is your gift. Share your gift Atara. Share your compassion. Share your pain. Share your isolation. Share your longing. Share your loss. Share your need.

And be grateful for your gift. Be grateful for your gift. Share your compassion with love. Share what you can see and what you can feel with love and joy. And be grateful for it. Today, not tomorrow. Today.

I keep on pushing it off. Telling myself "you will do it when you are ready." But, I am ready now and I am still not doing it.

You are strong. You can do it today. You can do your art today. You can paint it. You can share it. You can share it with love and with compassion.

It is your work. Do your work and be grateful, be thankful, be grateful that you can do, that you are in the very moment, doing the work that is yours, creating the art that is coming from your soul in the deepest, truest form of light and love and hope and faith and compassion. And share it with joy.

Do it today Atara. Please. Do it for me. I am an artist. I need to express myself. Please do what I need to do. Do my work. Do my art. Create my vision. Share my truth.

I know. I know. I know fully and completely now that I can do it with love and with compassion in my heart.


Saturday, January 3, 2015

My fibro. symptoms have been so @@$$##@#^ hard. Still fighting. Always fighting. I signed up for Kelly Rae Roberts on-line class. I will be teaching a multi-media painting class at Webster house. I really look forward to giving something back to Webster house. I love being there. Souls are everywhere and everyone is doing art. Broken souls are the most beautiful ones because you can see what is inside. I consider myself a broken soul. Even before PN.

I really like Kelly's art and I really admire her openness and her positivity. I feel that she is sharing with me important stepping stones. I think that it is time that I open my etsy store. It is also time to really get this blog looking good. Of course, I am tired, the fatigue and fibro. brain-fog are crushing. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I could complain forever. What is the point. I might as well try to be positive.

This friday I will be going to Cindy Steinberg's support group. I am looking forward to this. I feel honored and I appreciate that a lot. I know that Cindy wants me to feel honored and valued for what I do and that is kind. Kindness. Veganism. Teaching a class at Webster House. I think that that is going to be a real highlight for me because I love Webster House so much. I am excited to teach! I miss teaching and sharing.

I will be at Newton City Hall again for Newton Open Studios in April. My dream is to have a body of work about pigs, chickens and cows in the goddamn factory dungeons of hell. More and more I see through the exterior of society into the truth. And it such an ugly and violent and selfish truth. Kelly Rae Roberts is so positive in her blog. I can't stay positive for more than a sentence or two. :(

I participated in the Newton Shop and Stroll fair. There I was giving out pamphlets about factory 'farming'. Damn, that our world is so messed up that we can call something brutal and sadistic 'farming.' Kills me.

Another thing has been killing me lately. The Yazidi women. Raped and Tortured and Brutalized by Isis. Those that escape and return to their people oftentimes deny being raped because they fear that they will be ostracized and rejected. I had to understand this so I researched it and found out that the Yazidi culture is just as fucked up as their surrounding Arab culture when it comes to the abuse of women and girls. In 2007 a beautiful 17 year old Yazidi girl named Kalil was killed in an 'honor killing.' I was so stupid and I watched the video. Just like Isis does today, her murderers recorded her killing and posted it all over youtube. It was sickening. And I am having flashbacks. Makes me feel so helpless and scared. Seeing how simple evil is. It is so simple. Never mind. I wish that I could erase it from my mind. I shouldn't have even written about it. Maybe I should give myself a challenge.

I challenge you to write only positive things in your blog. Nope, I can't. Being an empath and a broken soul leaves me very vulnerable. Kelly's art helps me. So does her attitude. But she like the rest of our culture is in love with her leather cowboy boots. Love Animals.

I love animals. Animals are the soul of my world. Thank you for the animals. Thank you for gentle animals. Thank you for the birds. Thank you for the deer. Thank you for the swan. Thank you for love. Thank you for positivity. I am not Kelly Rae Robert's (check out her art, it really is very lovely). I am me.

I hope that one day I will feel blessed again. One day I will. Some days I do. Just not when my body feels like its dying. That could kill positivity.

So, I have been suffering along with the Yazidi girls. Feeling helpless and vulnerable. Feeling how trapped they feel. Terrified. Wanting to make jewelry to sell to raise money for them.
I hate seeing the evil so clearly. Being innocenct was easier. But PN blasted innocence out of me.

1. Disability fair with Pat and Mary.
2. Feminist club, Leslie College.
3. Vagina monologues, Leslie College.
4. Newton Open Studio, 2014
5. Alliance for Pelvic Pain, 2014
6. Newton Shop and Stroll art fair, 2014
7. Cindy Steinberg's support group, 2015 (looking forward, this friday)
8. Newton Open Studios, 2015 (looking forward, this April)

1. Facilitator of pelvic pain support group, 2 years.
2. Art and Healing workshop
3. Board member of Vulvodynia Matters, 2 years.

Keeping a record. Kelly Rae Robert keeps a record of all her stepping stones. Her website is built with so much wisdom. I would like to have a website for this Pudendal Neuralgia journey, something that others could engage in and 'enjoy.' Maybe one day I will. I will definitely need help in creating it.


Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Continuation of white flowers entry.

Only today did I find a painting that I liked and used it as a reference and was pleased with what I saw! In fact, today I succeeded in accepting and liking painting after painting after painting.

I think that this means that I found something.

I think that I am learning my style.

I want to paint fast.

I want to paint without thinking too much.

I love the loose look.

The feeling of freedom that I experience when looking at paintings that I like that are painted loosely really touches my spirit.

I feel something free, something inside letting go, yielding, exploring, discovering, going free....
a painting that is painted loosely and that I like excites me, makes me want to learn more, to paint more, to copy....

And this is where my motivation is strong, this is where I am passionate and determined and accepting of myself as an artist.....

This is where I am moved, where I jump and do summersaults from the inside.... when I come across it I get real happy, so happy that all of my negative thinking disappears... and what remains is color and shape and form in a wild buzz of freedom and expression...

That sounds so simple. Only that I am struggling so hard to try to figure out how I can create like this. And what I am finding out is that I am impatient, impulsive, messy and more and more of the same...

But even with the impatience, I paint and paint for hours. I paint from the tube. I slap it on. And then I obsess and obsess and obsess.

I don't plan in advance. I don't put a little structure down. I barely take the time to mix the colors. I usually paint from the tube and mix colors as I go along. This lends itself to a huge waste of paint. Which makes me wasteful too. Add that to tlist of negatives that I have discovered.

I don't want to take the time to think slowly and clearly, to plan out, to copy diligently and patiently, petal by petal. Nooooooo!

I want to work fast, with palette knife and brushes. Oh, I paint with a kazillion brushes. I restate the mess part of all of this. So, I want to work fast with sweeps of color. I want to paint flowers loosely and with depth and personality. I want it to come easy and to look easy!!!!!!!!

I am tired of looking at other artist's work and thinking that I wish that I could paint like them. I am tired of looking at other artist's work and thinking how crappy my art is next to their artwork.

Today I was rejected from The NOS Summer Selective and from the New Art Centre Holtzwasser Gallery Submission.

And today, my PN friend, David, from New York received my painting of red and yellow tulips in water-color. He said that he though nothing would lift his spirit today but then my painting arrived and his spirit lifted!!!!

And I got a beautiful facebook message from a young women with PN that searched PN on youtube and found my poetry. I am so grateful that she wrote to me. She thanked me so much for my poetry. She said that it was very meaningful to have all of her feelings validated and reflected through my poetry.

So, today, I have finally accepted my white flower paintings!!!

And to me, from now on, white flowers will symbolize self-acceptance and acceptance of my place in my life.

How can I accept myself if I do not accept where I am in my life now?

Wow. That is a huge question. A very profound one.

Another frustration that I feel profoundly is the frustration of wanting to have/be a voice for the things that I believe in. Through my art. And recognizing how little I know and thus how limited my expression is, is very disturbing to me.

I want to do work on animal abuse and the cruelty of factory 'farming'. I want to do work that will be looked at, that will change things.....but I feel so small in my artistic ability and I feel so useless when I think of the tiny effect I would have even if people saw my art.

The denial of the cruelty and brutality of factory tortures kills me. It kills me. It is part of what made me not want to have children, that and the holocaust. I couldn't make sense out of them and I gave up inside on life.

And I still do. Even though today I want a child. I still give up from it. Still feel so angry and helpless and useless. The way that I did so many years ago at the bull-fight in Barcelona. I had wanted to scream in rage, to scream so loud that the whole fucking stadium would hear my cry, would feel my pain, but instead I just walked out, tears spilling, angry and invisible, having done nothing to stop the horror that I had watched in front of me.

And the absurdity too. It made no sense to me. I remember vividly looking at a young daughter that was sitting on her father's shoulders. I remember watching them shouting and cheering on the matador as he stabbed the bull over and over again. I could not make sense out of it.

These are the things that make me feel like I come from another planet, and that my stay here is some kind of mistake. There is so much that humans do that I cannot understand.

One of them is eating animals in a system that tortures and causes profound and extensive suffering to our brethren animals.

I don't understand it. And I feel angry.

But, one thing that has happened this week is that I have seen that Jamaica Plane has a lot of awareness and that there are other vegans that I can connect to that struggle with the same feelings and want to create change.

White flowers feel like a relief, like a moment of clarity, like a gift of gratitude and of acceptance in the moment.