Monday, May 25, 2015

So, here we are. It is me and the angels. We are getting to know each other and it is a beautiful journey. I can see my angels spreading their wings and I am ready to set them free. They are eager to fly, they are eager to do their work. I can hear them flapping their wings in gentle excitement. They know that they will succeed in their mission and they are ready to meet all of the beautiful people that are waiting for them to enter their lives. Their entrance into my life has brought me faith, love, hope, friendship and healing. I am eager to watch them fly into their life mission and to witness their beautiful and spiritual ways.

I can sense the spirit in everything that i do. Sometimes i feel as though i am no longer embodied, floating on a realm that is no longer physical. The pain and discomfort grounds me. What can I do other than accept this grounding. After all I am still here, living and breathing in this physical realm and my work is here.

I worked all of Shavuot, seeking pathways which I found. I bought the crystal quartz merkaba just in time for shavuot. What did I discover? That on Shavuot we read Ezekiel's vision of the merkaba. Somehow I wasn't surprised. This type of synchronicity is manifesting itself again and again, through all time.

On Friday, at Webster house, Sarah gave me a beautiful square-shaped piece of Labrodorite. I was mesmerized by its beauty and full of gratitude for having been given such a beautiful gift. I spent much of the day walking through JP admiring the stores and galleries, seeing my angels inhabiting them, soon. I went to Nahar Shalom for Kabbalat Shabbat and held onto my stone throughout the prayers. And I prayed with my heart and with my soul and felt my prayers being poured onto the women that I am praying for. I could feel my prayers enveloping them and I felt supported and welcomed by all of the souls that were praying alongside me.

I lost my stone. I hope that I forgot it in the bathroom and that it will return to me. When I came home and opened the book on crystals, guess what page the book opened up to? Yes, to labrodorite.

This is what I read : "Descended from galaxies and reflecting wizardry within, I'm the stone of internal connection. I link communication from the solar plexus to the brow, engaging you in new levels of contact with the Divine. Work with me with your eyes closed (which is how I prayed, eyes closed, feeling the women that i was praying for), as your body relaxes into its natural state. My energy allows safe access to wisdom, so you can travel to new dimensions; and my strength is bold, so be prepared to move quickly with increasing rhythms. Summon me when you are ready to journey beyond the confines of what is known, and when you are prepared to expand your consciousness."

I am prepared. I know that my mission is a mission of kindness and of compassion. I know that it is pure and of the light. I am ready to move with increasing rhythms and I am prepared to expand my consciousness.

In the past, fear held me back. I am no longer afraid. Living through Pudendal Neuralgia has left me with pin-point clarity. I know exactly why I am here. I know that I will fulfill my mission in this lifetime. I know that I am receiving and will continue to receive divine guidance.

Shavuot was powerful for me. The angels are everywhere. The animals are in my heart and they are part of this movement. The leaf-blowers and my exhausted and hurting body will only bring me closer and faster to the pathways of healing.

The crystals are a part of this pathway. They were from the very beginning when I lay on the floor of this room for hours each day, distracting myself from the pain with the beautiful gem-stones that made their way into earrings and necklaces that still inhabit my little room. I couldn't sell them. They meant too much to me. They were keeping me from going crazy from the pain.

The crystals are calling me to recognize and to accept their healing powers anew. They want to assist me on my healing journey. They know that I am and will continue to be called upon to help and to encourage healing. They know that I am ready to give guidance and assistance to the many people that will call upon me. I feel that I will be called upon for assistance by more and more women and men too. I need to protect myself and to empower myself so that I can do the god-given work that is my calling. I can and will take the crystals with me. Thank you crystals for sharing your light, your wisdom, your beauty and your power with me.

Power for me is the healing power. I will remain open to all possibilities. I will remain open to all of the wisdom and I will seek and find a new clarity.

I work the way that shamans work. I work through animals. I work through water and nature and trees. I work through leaves.

"Their leaves will not wither nor their fruit fail; they will yield new fruit every month because the water for them flows through the temple. Their fruit will serve for food and their leaves for healing. " Ezekiel, ch 47, vs. 12

I work through angels and sacred texts, through kabbalah, poetry and visions.

"Vayehi Ratzon Milfanecha Adonai, Elohay Avraham, yitzchak ve-yaakov, ha-el hagibor ve-hanora, el elyon, ehiyeh asher eyiheh, shekol hamalachim shehem mealaye tfilot yaviu tfilati lifnei kise kevodecha, veyatzigu otam lefanecha, baavur kol hatzadikim ve-hachasidim, hatmimim ve-hayesharim, ubeavor kvod shmecha hagadol vehanorah, ki atah shomea tefilot amecha yisrael berachamim. Bruch ata shomea tefillah."

I work through art, music, poetry. I work through the goddess. I am the divine feminine and I believe in you. I will always be with you. All you need to do is to call upon me for guidance and I will guide you. I am compassion, loving-kindness...I work through the animals...

My heart opened. Frostie did it. Somehow I understood through him and through Edgar's Mission that I was going to succeed because I finally let go of the anger and of the fear and I could see the compassion in most people's hearts. And I could see that all I needed was to touch that compassion, to lightly and gently awaken it from its slumber.

We are all eager to protect the animals from suffering. All I have to do is continue working through love. The pathways are opening. It was a special Shavuot. The Torah was clear and generous. My body was aching part of the time, my legs hurting. My soul crystal-clear.

Dear body,
I love you. Thank you for working with me despite your pain.

And that little female elf that has no offense but a strong defense backed by a powerful mystical force. I think that she is guiding me all the way to the public hearing and to the aldermen, all 24 of them.

Its like I have been initiated into a plane where the spiritual is exponentially more potent and all that I have to do is accept it and follow its guidance. The illusion of time and of cause and effect is almost funny. It isn't funny only because I know that so many of us are encapsulated in timelessness. Timeless suffering. And that my work needs to get done and that I am the only one that can do my work.

Bob Dylan: three full years, become comfortable with your 'becoming' and don't let anyone pin you down :)

I am not sure how I feel about the three full years but it does make sense, there is a lot of work that needs to be done and it will take time to manifest... three full years isn't that long considering that I get to watch the process as I create it. It is hopeful.

What about ego? I wouldn't worry about it too much. Being in touch with profound suffering distills the ego instantaneously.



Friday, February 27, 2015

Choose Hope

Lady of the day. Yesterday was an anxiety-ridden day. Today, I am going to actively choose hope rather than trepidation. I am scared of the sensitivity that I have to noise. I recently learnt that there is a chronic pain condition called Hyperacusis. 

My sensitivity to sound/noise seems to be increasing. I find myself covering my ears often when I walk. The sound of trucks and traffic make me want to dissappear into the desert. My ears are ringing. Even the sound of my computer while I write this feels invasive. 
My art saves me every day. Somehow, it gives me hope that there still is a place for me in this world. I come from a world where nature, not machines reign. That is the world that my body evolved from and within. And here I am today, in this 'modern' world that is made of loud and obnoxious machinery. Leaf-blowers. 
How do I choose hope when I fear that I cannot survive in this world? How do I choose hope when my body unravels daily? How do I choose hope in an active way TODAY.

My lady came to being with a very clear message. Today I can choose hope and today I will choose hope. Not by denying the fear but by embracing hopefulness. Hopefullness that my body will heal. Hopefullness that I will create and am creating a life of value and meaning. Hopefullness that I will be able to protect my body from harmful sounds. My lady helped me yesterday. 

I will protect myself from loud and invasive sounds. I will protect myself from loud and invasive sounds. I will protect you from loud and invasive sounds.

I need to protect myself from loud and invasive sounds. They are unnatural and they are dangerous. All of my senses and my body evolved over millions of years from nature. I honor that. My body is not a machine. It is sensitive and soft-spoken. 

I understand. The question is how do I successfully protect myself when everywhere I turn there is machinery, cars, trucks, planes overhead...?

I need a plan. 

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Here is dear Dr. Echenberg!

It took a lot of work to get this video out. I was stubborn and persistent and only sent it out to the world once I felt that I did everything that I could do to make it the best possible. I got help from Michael, Steve and Andy and I have every intention of celebrating with them the birth of this little and mega-important video. I will continue sending it out to wider audiences through facebook and other channels. 

It was exciting to share my work with others. It feels good to know that I am reaching people. I am very grateful for NewTV, for the help that I get there and the opportunity I have to learn and to grow. I sure need a lot of that to gain some plasticity in my brain. I am working hard at winning back all of that dead white matter. 

Speaking of white, the snow is killing me. Even my PN pain has been sharper these past few days. I wonder if it is from all of the awkward ways that I position my body when I am painting/stamping/rubbing/scraping...the real things that doing my art means nowadays. My bedroom has turned into a studio. In other words I have given in to the mess, the constant chaos of supplies and papers and ideas in process everywhere.

One of my abstract paintings will be hanging at City Hall. I have to trudge through the castles of snow to deliver my piece tomorrow.

My art keeps me sane. It keeps me from sinking into the bottomless pit of depression and self-blame. I sometimes fall into the trap of blaming myself. Blaming myself for all the travelling I did in my younger years and the morbid diseases that my body was subjected to. Today for  the first time I thought that it would be healing to create a piece of art on this matter. Maybe a piece of art that celebrates my travels, my bravery, my curiosity.... to remind myself that I am not to blame. That none of this is my fault. That it is within my power to transform my suffering into a collective Healing. That the day will come that I will say for certain that all of this happened so that I could be a voice for the voiceless. It is a coping mechanism that works for me at least some of the time. I have to believe that my life didn't just get shot to hell for nothing. I have to believe that there is a greater good to all of this. I have to believe that I can and will and am creating this greater good.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Introducing my ladies.

I will be painting 30 ladies. One lady for each million of the 30 million women that suffer from pelvic pain. That is what came through. I do feel a sense of relief in having this focus and this clarity. I have a set goal that I can enjoy working towards. I am happy that I listened to and followed my natural attractions. I allowed myself to explore Kelly Rae's Art from beginning till end and back again for the past month. Her art has helped me get through the snow-storms and the horrible fibromyalgia symptoms of pain and deep fatigue.

My ladies are coming through.

She reminds of me of Noam, my younger brother, when he was a toddler. I love her. She is kind and sweet and gentle. She is comforting to look at.

I have been delving into my art lately. I have a lot of gratitude to express to my facebook friends. Friends have been so supportive in encouraging my art. Their encouragement inspires me to create more, to be relentless in my search, to persist until I find what I am looking for. And what is coming up for me is 'LOVE'! Who would have thought and what a surprise, right?

Yes, I would like to meet a wonderful soul in a male body to love and to honor till death do us part. I will try to make some effort there. Being snowed in and fibromyalgia-d out doesn't pave the way. But I promised myself to listen to the callings, those little timid yet persistent tweets in my heart. I can hear you.

Then there is the greater love, the love that I want to devote my life to. Art and Healing and all of the people that want to join me on this forever journey. I thought that it could be nice to share my art here. I imagine that at some point my blog will reach a wider audience. I feel like I should be investing more energy into my blog but all of my inspiration and motivation is in creating art. That is something to be grateful for. I have found a new passion and direction through meeting Kelly Rae Robert's art and through taking her online class. She has added and encouraged A LOT of positivity into my art and with no guilt. I seem to have accepted the fact that I want to create positive and inspiring and healing art.

I am okay with this. It takes a load of pressure off of me. I want to do something for the animals and I just have to trust that when the time is right it will come through. For now, what has come through is a lot of positive and healing artwork. I can focus on my strengths and on my joys and I can share them and inspire others. So many of us need to be creative, to be colorful, to be invigorated by and with the truth that we are Creators, that we are moon-Goddesses, that we can create beautiful and meaningful lives that are whole, passionate and expansive even from our very own beds and rooms.

Facebook has opened up for me a community that I feel deeply connected to. I know that there is a world out there that is eager to connect and to inspire. We are hungry, maybe even starving for life, for connection, for meaning. Art holds so much potential for us. I want to help people realize this potential. As the community strengthens and encourages me I am full of gratitude and yearn to share with them my passion. Maybe more so than ever I can feel the 'healing artist' within me being called and called upon. I know that I can share and teach and I want to do so. I want to share my passion.

This blog deserves more attention from me. This blog deserves to be loved, honored and cared for by me. Maybe I will slowly but surely infuse it with my love.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Gratitude. I want to spend more time with and in gratitude. I want to make a small space in my small room special for gratitude. I want to keep myself connected to the gifts that I am constantly receiving from life, from fellow people, from nature, from animals. The animals. I realize that I am afraid. But wait, but wait, but wait.

What am I waiting for? And why, even in this post, could I not give myself more time with gratitude? Why? I keep on thinking that I am not doing what I really want and need to do. I keep on thinking that I want to paint the animals. I am afraid of confronting the pain. I am afraid of having to look at the pain in their eyes and to once again feel so helpless and lost and confused and hopeless. To see everything that  I cannot do. To see all of the suffering that I cannot heal. I am afraid. I am afraid.

Because my heart breaks open and the pain rushes in and the tears flow. And then there is the release and the feeling of being connected to something much higher than myself that includes and loves the animals within it.

I am actively avoiding my work. I am actively telling myself that I am not strong enough to confront the pain and sorrow and suffering.

I keep on talking about what I want to do. The paints are in my room. I have the canvas. I have the photographs. I can do it. I can do it. It is my work. I can do my work.

I have to do my work. And yet I run away from it. I do other things. I once again jump into other artists work and want to paint like them.

I am afraid of the content of what I want to paint. I am afraid of the eyes. Because when I look into them I am swallowed in helplessness and ...

And here I go again, the tears are streaming,,,,I have to tell myself that I can do it. But the pain is so painful for me. And I feel so alone and helpless.

And still, and even so, I can do it. I am strong. I can do it. It is my work. I hope that you will paint your art today Atara.

Today and not tomorrow. Today. Because you can. You simply can. It is your gift. Share your gift Atara. Share your compassion. Share your pain. Share your isolation. Share your longing. Share your loss. Share your need.

And be grateful for your gift. Be grateful for your gift. Share your compassion with love. Share what you can see and what you can feel with love and joy. And be grateful for it. Today, not tomorrow. Today.

I keep on pushing it off. Telling myself "you will do it when you are ready." But, I am ready now and I am still not doing it.

You are strong. You can do it today. You can do your art today. You can paint it. You can share it. You can share it with love and with compassion.

It is your work. Do your work and be grateful, be thankful, be grateful that you can do, that you are in the very moment, doing the work that is yours, creating the art that is coming from your soul in the deepest, truest form of light and love and hope and faith and compassion. And share it with joy.

Do it today Atara. Please. Do it for me. I am an artist. I need to express myself. Please do what I need to do. Do my work. Do my art. Create my vision. Share my truth.

I know. I know. I know fully and completely now that I can do it with love and with compassion in my heart.


Saturday, January 3, 2015

My fibro. symptoms have been so @@$$##@#^ hard. Still fighting. Always fighting. I signed up for Kelly Rae Roberts on-line class. I will be teaching a multi-media painting class at Webster house. I really look forward to giving something back to Webster house. I love being there. Souls are everywhere and everyone is doing art. Broken souls are the most beautiful ones because you can see what is inside. I consider myself a broken soul. Even before PN.

I really like Kelly's art and I really admire her openness and her positivity. I feel that she is sharing with me important stepping stones. I think that it is time that I open my etsy store. It is also time to really get this blog looking good. Of course, I am tired, the fatigue and fibro. brain-fog are crushing. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I could complain forever. What is the point. I might as well try to be positive.

This friday I will be going to Cindy Steinberg's support group. I am looking forward to this. I feel honored and I appreciate that a lot. I know that Cindy wants me to feel honored and valued for what I do and that is kind. Kindness. Veganism. Teaching a class at Webster House. I think that that is going to be a real highlight for me because I love Webster House so much. I am excited to teach! I miss teaching and sharing.

I will be at Newton City Hall again for Newton Open Studios in April. My dream is to have a body of work about pigs, chickens and cows in the goddamn factory dungeons of hell. More and more I see through the exterior of society into the truth. And it such an ugly and violent and selfish truth. Kelly Rae Roberts is so positive in her blog. I can't stay positive for more than a sentence or two. :(

I participated in the Newton Shop and Stroll fair. There I was giving out pamphlets about factory 'farming'. Damn, that our world is so messed up that we can call something brutal and sadistic 'farming.' Kills me.

Another thing has been killing me lately. The Yazidi women. Raped and Tortured and Brutalized by Isis. Those that escape and return to their people oftentimes deny being raped because they fear that they will be ostracized and rejected. I had to understand this so I researched it and found out that the Yazidi culture is just as fucked up as their surrounding Arab culture when it comes to the abuse of women and girls. In 2007 a beautiful 17 year old Yazidi girl named Kalil was killed in an 'honor killing.' I was so stupid and I watched the video. Just like Isis does today, her murderers recorded her killing and posted it all over youtube. It was sickening. And I am having flashbacks. Makes me feel so helpless and scared. Seeing how simple evil is. It is so simple. Never mind. I wish that I could erase it from my mind. I shouldn't have even written about it. Maybe I should give myself a challenge.

I challenge you to write only positive things in your blog. Nope, I can't. Being an empath and a broken soul leaves me very vulnerable. Kelly's art helps me. So does her attitude. But she like the rest of our culture is in love with her leather cowboy boots. Love Animals.

I love animals. Animals are the soul of my world. Thank you for the animals. Thank you for gentle animals. Thank you for the birds. Thank you for the deer. Thank you for the swan. Thank you for love. Thank you for positivity. I am not Kelly Rae Robert's (check out her art, it really is very lovely). I am me.

I hope that one day I will feel blessed again. One day I will. Some days I do. Just not when my body feels like its dying. That could kill positivity.

So, I have been suffering along with the Yazidi girls. Feeling helpless and vulnerable. Feeling how trapped they feel. Terrified. Wanting to make jewelry to sell to raise money for them.
I hate seeing the evil so clearly. Being innocenct was easier. But PN blasted innocence out of me.

1. Disability fair with Pat and Mary.
2. Feminist club, Leslie College.
3. Vagina monologues, Leslie College.
4. Newton Open Studio, 2014
5. Alliance for Pelvic Pain, 2014
6. Newton Shop and Stroll art fair, 2014
7. Cindy Steinberg's support group, 2015 (looking forward, this friday)
8. Newton Open Studios, 2015 (looking forward, this April)

1. Facilitator of pelvic pain support group, 2 years.
2. Art and Healing workshop
3. Board member of Vulvodynia Matters, 2 years.

Keeping a record. Kelly Rae Robert keeps a record of all her stepping stones. Her website is built with so much wisdom. I would like to have a website for this Pudendal Neuralgia journey, something that others could engage in and 'enjoy.' Maybe one day I will. I will definitely need help in creating it.