Since her arrival, I have been free of anxiety. Her calm and peace and her beauty have guided me. She came to tell me that my courage is remarkable. She came to tell me that moving was brave and bold and that my fear is normal and expected. I love her. I love her eyes. I see peace, compassion, gentleness, softness...I see myself in her. I see my own beauty through her.
Kindness. She is kind, so kind. She is generous, so generous. She is compassion, tender and sweet and present. She is here for me. She is the first angel that I painted for myself.
I was suffering from anxiety every morning, feeling directionless....scared...My feet were hurting since the move....Suddenly I was far away from my parents, on my own...
In the mornings I felt like an amorphous blob of anxiety...until she came through...
And she came through too....and another one which I haven't finished or photographed yet...
An angel of Courage to remind me that I am okay, that it took courage to move and that I will find my way here....An angel of gratitude to remind me to always ground myself in gratitude. Gratitude helps me cope with anxiety. It centers me and gives me the focus to see the blessings in my life. The blessings are my stepping stones. They guide me. So gratitude guides and grounds me and there is always room for more gratitude. Always.
The third messenger that came through is an Angel of Play. Oh and her message is so very beautiful. The message that came through her was 'You are safe. Remember to play.' I haven't stamped it on her yet and I have found a message that I love even more through a new friend of mine. Lately I have been connecting to women that have pudendal neuralgia from mesh. Their desperation is like ours. They are suicidal like so many of us have been and still are. (I continue to get incredible relief from pain from Nortriptyline) These new connections are meaningful to me. I want to include their names in my artwork. That is something that I am visualizing and it makes me happy. I would like to incorporate the names of women (and men) that want to be a part of my healing through art. Bringing their names into my artwork excites me. I feel excited now. It is such a nice feeling after so many weeks of stress. Excited. Inspired. Curious. Hopeful. Playful. Open, Receptive. Creative. Sexual?
I would love for my sexuality to be awakened too. I miss that vitality. Connecting to myself as a sexual being is an effort since PN. But my creativity and my sexuality are bound in each other. Naomi Wolf in her book Vagina writes all about the link between sexuality and creativity. I feel like I have been de-sexed almost. I used to be so naturally sensual and so naturally sexual. I don't really feel myself as a sexual being anymore.
I can have sex and I can very much enjoy sex. Even so, that part of me has gone away...I would like to call it back, to invite it to reside with me. I know that it is an important part of my creativity and it is a part of me that wants to express itself....but it just isn't here, not anything near the way it was before PN. Is it a part of myself that is still salvageable? Or is it a part that I can live happily without? I don't know. I want to explore. I want to remain open and curious. Maybe that is the best that I can do right now. Remain open. I thought that maybe I should make more of an effort...clothes and make-up. But I don't feel particularly inspired to present myself that way. I don't feel the need to be beautiful or sexy to the world. But I do miss that element of play. That brings us back to the third angel that I have yet to complete. And to the fox that I met. Play. Creative play, creative exploration and creative expression.
The quote that I discovered through a new friend is Rumi's :
It makes me happy. It makes me happy to allow myself to play, to explore, to learn...And I am also afraid, afraid of loving too much, of being hurt, of making choices that are wrong for me...I fall in love easily, too easily...usually I wake up a few months later asking myself 'That's the person you fell in love with? Wow, that was stupid of you Atara.' And then I am heart-broken and angry at myself for wasting my time, wasting my energy, But all of that was before PN. What feels like so many years ago, what feels like another lifetime, almost like someone else's life....
So, can I allow myself to remain open, receptive, sexual, creative,....without fear? I guess not. So, can I allow myself to remain open, receptive, sexual, creative and fearful too? I think so. And that is a fair place to start from. Fair to myself and fair to the foxes who I want to feed so that they will come and play with me. :)
I want to play!!! And one of the things that I want to play most is the guitar. If you'll take a look at the angels here you will see that one layer underneath their skin their are music notes. I really really really want to play the guitar. I have always really really really wanted to play the guitar.
Play the guitar.
Your excitement is healthy. Follow it.