Saturday, December 3, 2016


A facebook post of mine from August 20th, 2106. 


I spent the day at the farm sanctuary. I got the footage that I needed in order to finish my short documentary. I'll be editing it this week and will hopefully be uploading it to youtube and sharing it on facebook very soon. It will be awesome if you'll help me spread the vegan vision for a world free of violence by sharing it. Creating the documentary has helped me see the light in this time of darkness. My father relapsed into psychotic depression after three good years of remission. Having the documentary to focus on carried me through the shock, the despair and the anxiety. I feel for the animals so deeply. I feel their pain, their sorrow, their terror and I wish and pray that more and more people will awaken to their cry and will embrace the vegan message. After all we are all here to protect life. And those of us that suffer from chronic pain know what suffering is. My pain has taught me that every life that I can save is an entire world in and of itself. The most precious gift that my own suffering has given me is the gift of understanding suffering. At times I feel so angry at people, so hopeless, so disappointed. But I am determined to not let my despair paralyze me or render me impotent. I work because I know that that is what the animals ask of me. There are billions of them trapped and confined and tortured. But I won't surrender to the despair in numbers because each one is a world in and of herself/himself. Just as I begged and pleaded and prayed to be heard and seen and helped when I was dying from excruciating nerve pain, they beg and cry and plead to be heard and seen and helped. Their lives are no less tormented then mine was and I say this as a survivor of one of the most devastating chronic genital nerve pain conditions that exists. I know that many of the animals suffer as desperately as I did, confined and chained and robbed of their identities and of their spirits. Yes, I am crushed. Crushed by my father's illness and despair. And crushed by the magnitude of the animal's suffering. But I have no choice but to fight. Because that is what I hoped that others would do for me when I was suffering. For whatever reason I was granted healing. I take this healing and I offer it as a balm to all that are suffering still. May our suffering grant us clarity, compassion and dedication. May we take these gifts and raise the light up high so that our spirits can lead the way to a kinder world. A world grounded in awe, respect and gratitude. A world free of abuse and oppression. A world where all living beings see each other as manifestations of a life so sacred and so whole and so full of truth and of grace and of humility. I turn towards vegans and towards many compassionate souls that are not yet vegan, may healing be our guiding light. May we emancipate ourselves and each other from the devastating misconception that animals are ours to consume, to use and to produce. This misunderstanding separates us and blocks us from realizing our inevitable oneness and wholeness. I pray to compassionate souls to see that we have no need to exploit or use or eat or wear or ride the animals. Our deepest need is to love, to revere all life, to sanctify and honor ourselves and each other and the great mystery that we and the animals are. Amen.

Monday, November 28, 2016

A love poem for you.

For your bravery in coping with so much suffering.

For taking so much on.

So that you could find your way through.

So that you could teach.

As the leaf blowers rage and you feel like you are splitting into pieces

sharp pieces that only desire to slice you down

into pieces

Remember

that you made it through

you made it through

over and over again

So what if you fall

so what if you become hard like a brick from anger

that devours you completely

you'll always be back

you will always be back

i can't stop writing  cuz i have been suffering so much

for so long now

And if i stop writing i will feel the knife lodged

this was supposed to be a love poem for myself

i don't know what it is

i just now that once again the leaf blowers came and stole all of my peace again

and i am so angry that my peace was stolen again

because of the lack of compassion
Every time the pain comes back I start ti feel like a victim again.

The anger appears.

I am devoured.

Pinned down again.

Begging for mercy.

Ignored.

Invisible.

Though my voice speaks clearly.

My words are clear.

Why do you not hear?

Has your heart no compassion?

Has your soul no mercy, no mercy for me?

Then I cling.

I try to run away.

As fast as I again.

Into something. Into something. Into anything but this pain, this suffering.

But the reminder of everything that I have survived.

Save me.

Save me.

Save me.

I call out.

To you.

As though you could.

It is just me escaping again.

Again and again. From the pain. From the suffering. From the anger. From the helplessness. From the memories. From the fear. From the anxiety. From the despair.

Again and again again in endless rounds I desperately try to escape these unbearable emotions that the leaf blowers trigger as the pain sets in and my nervous system spirals.

When when when will I b emancipated from this suffering?

Why why why must I suffer like this?

Where where where will I find peace.

And so so so what if I try to escape.

Isn't it natural.

When put in a cage don't we naturally try to find the way out.

But I know that I am doing something wrong.

I know that running.

I know that running.

I know that running.

What am I asking for, just for some peace and quiet.

Oh my god.

Why is this so hard to receive?

Why why why and when will I stop running away.

I want to be buddhist.

I really really do.

But I am constantly failing. Even in this moment in the way I judge and blame myself for wanting to escape.

Just accept it. Just watch it.

The way you try to escape.

And is there really anything wrong with wanting to escape?

Isn't that they way that you coped with pain for so long?

By distracting yourself. By forcing yourself to continue on.

Again and again. You fought through every minute and every moment.

Recognize how brave you are.

Recognize.
i am no longer begging

for your mercy

for your compassion

i want to focus on growing my own

not on begging you to grow yours

and so i leave

and understand that i am blessed to have reached where i am

and it is the suffering that has brought me here

and your lack of mercy

so i thank you

thank you

thank you

for beating me down

so that i could walk away

and go deeper into my own compassion and understanding

i am sorry that you had no mercy to offer me

grateful that this pushed me further into my own pain and suffering

so that i could grow my compassion tenfold

                              -Atara Schimmel




i relinquish all desire

devoting myself to the practice

one tear

slid down my face 

and stumbled into a pool of blood

and pus

twisted in my gut

where the animals reside

it trickled through

through 

and through

until it reached you

reaching for me

we held it there together

mending ourselves together

our pain intermingling

mine untangling yours

yours untangling mine

we sat patiently together

sharing the ache as though it was all that we had left to share

until the breeze came through and your stars crumbled all around me

the leaf-blowers came 

this time i can feel them slitting my pelvis in two

and you are there

holding

holding

holding

reminding me that peace is my choice

my blessing

and that whatever hurts

can always be transformed

 - Atara Schimmel

I have reached the shore.

I am safe again.

I have made it through.

Your hand.

You extended to me.

I took it.

And turned the other away.

I understand that you want me now.

I am here now.

Resting.

Here.

Now. 

Resting.

My tear slides into your hands.

You hold it in your hands for me.

And show me all of the colors of the rainbow that my lonely tear contains.

I look. I come. Closer.

You show me the yellow. The red. The blue.

I notice the traces of pink and I come even closer.

You pull me in with your words.

And I borrow them for my own poetry.

So now we are writing together.

Writing our poetry together.

I understand what we are doing now.

                           Atara Schimmel
As the leaf blowers rage.

I lay on the floor of my room.

Understanding that I am leaving something behind me.

Understanding that I have to go further.

Go deeper into peace.

Deepening my understanding of suffering.

I understand now where I am going.

I am understanding that I must practice.

Practice with a Sangha.

I understand.

Your bloody fist opened and the rose petals fell to the floor.

I stooped so low to pick them up.

And kissed the sacred ground that cradled my feet.

Each petal a tear.

Each drop of blood a dream for peace.

Transformed.

I took you into my arms and watched you dissolve.

I leave slowly, so as not to abandon or frighten anyone.

I leave because my life is sacred and I must honor it entirely and completely.

                                                        - Atara Schimmel