Monday, April 4, 2016

I wrote this song a few years ago when I was still in agony. I think that I am going to put it to music. I promised myself and Mickey, a fellow PNer that one day I would sing it to her and to everyone. So, maybe that day is coming. Maybe I will be able to keep my promise with Larry's help. Larry is helping me with my least I hope he is.


Well, my vegan world is opening. I discovered Emily from Bite Size Vegan and I love the work that she is doing! I want to be mentored by her.

This week I have been trying to stay calm and centered as opposed to passionate and obsessed! This doe not come easy for me. I rest and then I go right back into...everything that I can't stop doing. Which turned out just fine! I have taken a break from my genital/mesh awareness mess and have been exploring, delving deeper into animal liberation advocacy. And I like what I am finding!

I have my great big genital/pelvic/mesh awareness exhibit coming up this weekend. Tomorrow I will be taking the bus to Boston. And then I have a few days to prepare for the exhibit.

If I sell a painting I will be able to afford being mentored by Emily from Bite Size Vegan. That would be awesome!!!

And for some comic relief, my DON'T SAY THAT WORD video. If I don't laugh at myself who will? Maybe that wasn't the right question.




Friday, April 1, 2016

"This kind of emotional swallowing, digesting and processing is key to whale totem meaning. Luckily, the whale can facilitate emotional clarity, and help us navigate through the often ambiguous and confusing seas of emotion. Whales themselves are incredibly nurturing; we see this in how they raise their young as well as their close-knit connection to others in their community herds or pods. Whales, and those with whale totems have a natural affinity for helping, especially promoting well-being within their community. People who are attracted to the whale often feel devoted to a greater cause, and although they may struggle with their own personal emotions, they tend to naturally conjure healing powers towards others in emotional trauma. Does this sound familiar to you? If you have these tendencies, I encourage you to swim deeply with the whale in your meditations and prayers. Navigating the emotional waters with the whale by your side will afford guidance and clarity."


This was me a few days ago. I was feeling so crushed, so discouraged, so helpless, so angry. I had just discovered what Dr. Vigna had written about ACOG. He wrote this over a year ago, long before I started petitioning ACOG, long before Project Angel and many others sent in our devastating personal testimonies, long before I received a HORRIBLY DISMISSIVE letter from Dr. Chris Zahn from ACOG, long before my conversations with Dr. Sandra Carson, vice president of ACOG. In other words what I discovered is that Dr. Hal Lawrence, Dr. Chris Zahn and Dr Sandra Carson have known for a very long time about the existence of Pudendal Neuralgia. They have known for a very long time that transvaginal mesh is causing Pudendal Neuralgia. They have known for a very long time about the need to educate doctors about Pudendal Neuralgia and yet they are continuing to play dumb in the face of our despair, our agony, our desperation.

These are Dr. Vigna's words:

First, as a physician I must say the medical community has failed in mobilizing to protect and treat these women. There has been an utter lack of leadership from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologist. Simply by making a mandatory Continued Medical Education requirement for clinicians to participate in that describes the symptoms of pudendal neuralgia could have saved significant distress for women turned away by uneducated ears. To date I am unaware that American Medical Systems, JNJ, Boston Scientific, and Caldera informed their implanting surgeons of the symptoms of pudendal neuralgia which is clearly the most severe medical complication from both a properly placed mesh device or a malpositioned device which is an expected outcome of the flawed design.

Here is the link to his article:

The despair that I felt was crushing. The apathy of an institution that is supposed to be helping us is devastating.

I am trying to regain my focus and my balance now. I have a very important genital/pelvic pain Awareness Exhibit coming up next week. It will be my third year raising awareness during Newton Open Studios and it will be my first year raising about the dangers of mesh. I want to be calm, peaceful, grateful and centered for the exhibit. I know that I will have many visitors and I want to enjoy the support and the appreciation that is being offered me.

How do I find balance? Always by returning to my creativity, to my curiosity... I have been wanting to create necklaces from opal mermaid tails. But I couldn't find opal mermaid tails. What I have found are opal whale tails. And though at first I resisted the whale tails because I wanted mermaid tails....The change came when I realized that maybe the whale tail was trying to tell me something. Maybe at this moment in time I didn't feel a connection to the whale because I just wanted a mermaid but maybe now was my moment to connect to the whale!

And so I searched for whale symbolism and came across the What's-Your-Sign.Com blog by Avia and this is what I found.

"Those who are magnetized by whale energy will tend to be incredibly deep in sensitivity. The depth of feeling whale-totem-people endure can be overwhelming. Whale people are super-perceptive about the feelings of those around them, and this can manifest into an internal pressure that can be quite crushing. The whale can help with overwhelment of feelings and even temper the onslaught of emotions picked up from other people too. If you are extraordinarily affected by the emotions of others, or your own emotions are so intense as to cause discomfort, your whale totem can help.
Why? Because whales are masters of:
  • Navigation: Moving through emotional depths
  • Communication: Effectively expressing emotional experiences
  • Conservation: Using emotional energy for fuel and not being consumed by emotional floods"
Here is the link to the blogpost:

I have yet to read and explore more in depth what this all means to me. All I know is that I can't burn myself out. I can't keep on feeling crushed and desperate. I have to restore peace, equanimity, faith. At the same time I am determined to get Pudendal Neuralgia into the curricula. Now even more so then before. 

How do I make this happen without destroying myself in the process?

There is still a part of me that wants to believe that Dr. Sandra Carson really does want to help us. I don't want to burn my bridges, Dr. Carson can you hear me? Do you want to help us? Can you understand how important it is to create guidelines, educational objectives and curricula for Pudendal Neuralgia today?

Do you know of the 100,000 and more women that are being destroyed by transvaginal mesh for prolapses and urinary incontinence? And if you know and you have the power to change this are you working towards creating change? We need you. We need your help. Can you hear me?

Atara Schimmel

Monday, March 28, 2016

Wow, I just discovered an incredible poet and inspiration.

I am humbled and inspired. I love that combination.

Goddess bless you!!!!!

Sunday, February 14, 2016

I want to rip my four bottom teeth out of the gums of my mouth.

Like when I was a child, impatient and eager to be free of the wiggly tooth, I would stay up all night, wiggling away in front of the mirror.

When the tooth finally let with its spurts of blood I felt victory.

I had succeeded!

The wiggly tooth was out and a new tooth now had full freedom to grow in its place.

Only that now there is no new tooth waiting to grow.

My teeth are wiggly from the years of grinding them and clenching them from the excruciating pain of Pudendal Neuralgia.

I want to pull them out. They are half in and half out. And I am having the hardest time stopping. I push them with my tongue. I wiggle them with my fingers.

I am obsessed with my wiggly teeth. I am only 41 and not so far away from not having my four bottom teeth.

Geese. That won't look good at all. How will I smile? What will it be like to be toothless so young? Will I wear fake teeth?

This is what months of grinding can do. This is just one of the after-effects of Nerve Pain.

It could have been worse. Right?

I could have been dead now. And than there would be no angels, no etsy store, no hope...just dead.

So, really, what are four wiggly teeth next to that?

I don't know. I just can't figure out how to stop wiggling them. I am making them so much worse by constantly wiggling them.

Ever since the Meth Addict got violent on me I haven't been able to stop wiggling them.

Atara, please, please, please stop wiggling your teeth.

I keep on asking myself to stop wiggling them but I go right back to wiggling them.

What will I do?

Wear fake teeth I guess.

So much for kissing.

Maybe I should start planning, inquiring...after all it is a reality that isn't far away.

What do I do when my four bottom teeth fall out?

What was the seagull telling me?

No doubt the seagull was there for me to tend to her. She was on the cold beach waiting to be cared for. I remember the moment that I thought to myself that I should walk along the beach and not the street. I was so exhausted, so worn out. You can see the exhaustion in the photos. I had not slept at night in fear of the woman (Crystal Meth Addict, woman taken over by the devil) that lived on my floor that had become aggressive and oh so very frightening towards me. What an upheaval. To have to move, to have to pray to find another space so that I could be safe, so that I could stay in Provincetown, so that I could continue to pursue my growth as an artist here, surrounded by nature, enveloped by the sea, blessed by the animals.

The animals bless me all the time. They touch me and speak to me and they are always there for me when I most need them. They bring me grace and gratitude. They teach me love and humility. They guide me through the hardest times, always urging me to continue on, always encouraging me, supporting me, reassuring me that no matter where I am I am always on the right path. How could it not be the right path, when they meet me on it so lovingly, so generously?

One of the messages that the seagull brought me was 'stay with your art. believe in your art till the end.' She told me that there is so much opportunity for me here and that I must continue to pursue and share and exhibit my art here.

She led me to an opportunity that I would not have know of had I not have been there to pick her up and shield her from the cold. 

There is more to her message. I will discover and understand it and live it as it unfolds itself before me. What I do know is that the animals and I are one Spirit. And even in their death they convey great messages, they bestow gifts, .... to be able to love this way while in the midst of such fear and uncertainty....

It all happened quickly. The woman that was living next to me is a Crystal Meth Addict. I hadn't heard of Crystal Meth before all of this. It has been a harsh lesson, a harsh initiation into a horrible, evil world of addiction, violence and abuse.

I have been grinding and wiggling my teeth like crazy since all of this started. The stress, the anxiety....and though I am safe now, in a new home in provincetown, the effects of the stress are still strong. 

From abuse to abuse,,,,from my older brother right into the hands of a Crystal Meth Addict. 

I hold onto nature. It always brings me back to myself. I watched a fox for a long time. In the cemetery. On the way to the place where I stayed in between leaving and finding my new home.

My temporary new home. I have three months here.

I want to focus on Gratitude. 

And I want to listen deeply to my life, to my Soul. And I want to be free. Free of abuse. Far away and protected from people that hate themselves and destroy themselves and wish to destroy everything else that is sacred and kind and beautiful. 

I am tired. Goddess give me a break. From mesh to meth. I want to paint beautiful peaceful graceful paintings for a while. I really do. I want to paint beauty and peace and harmony and love again. And I want to surround myself with the beauty that I create. And I want to honor the beauty that I create. Yes, I do.

I have worked hard creating art to raise awareness about Mesh.

Now I want to go back to painting love and healing and hope and prayer and most of all I want to paint and express and create and invoke and initiate and worship in Gratitude. 

I am safe again. My four bottom teeth are so wiggly, this stresses me out very much and I wiggle them even more. I was doing well before the Meth Addict went vicious on me. 

I understand that I have to put all of my focus back onto the spiritual, the beautiful, the sacred if I want to pull myself out of this mess of wiggling teeth and anxiety.

It is time for beauty. 

And for Gratitude.

Friday, February 12, 2016

The sacred healing tent of self-compassion.

We sit together here.

In this tent.

Some of us cannot sit.

Some of us can only lay.

And so we lay together.

In this tent.

Our bodies racked with pain.

Our souls fighting agony, desperation and despair.

Still, we sit, we lay together.

We share our prayers with each other.

We share our blessings with one another.

When one hurts the other helps.

When one helps the other hurts.

It doesn't matter who or when or why.

What matters is that we care for each other.

What matters is that we see our kindness in each others souls.

What matters is that together there is still a reason, a hope, a moment to stay alive for.

If we hold tight onto each other.

Just like this.

Holding hands.

Even as we lay with agony by our sides, with agony inside.

What matters is that we teach each other to love, to love ourselves, to forgive ourselves, to bless ourselves.

And as we teach we heal. And as we teach we grow. And as we grow we celebrate.

We celebrate the strides we make. We celebrate the strides we made in the darkness all alone. We celebrate the strides we made in the light with our beloved community.

We grow to love, to love our community so deeply that there is no longer an I and a them.

We grow to love so deeply that we understand that taking care of ourselves means taking care of all of us.

We grow to love so deeply that giving becomes the very same as receiving.

We grow to love so deeply that our hearts are filled with this gratitude, this grace, this ever-present determination to fight not just our own fight....

For we see, we have come to feel, to know, that our fight is the one same fight,

We fight together and this way we are so much stronger, so much more complete, so much more full of grace ....

And gratitude becomes our daily prayer and our daily blessing