Monday, May 23, 2016

I had some powerful imagery in my dreams from this morning that I want to look at more deeply.

One was a horse. The horse was jumping up and down, really high into the air, almost like flying. He was higher than everything around him. And he was jumping from joy. I was left with a sense of awe. A sense that I was witnessing a great miracle and that something deeply spiritual was happening in joy and beauty.

In my own life I feel that I am connecting more and more to what I want to be doing. I feel connected to a deep and nourishing center, of gushing creativity....

This force, this horse was celebrating something and he was bringing awe and beauty and justice to all of those around him.

Horses don't jump off of the ground. Oh, but they do. They do. They do.

And then there was a huge, huge, huge white snake with black speckles and he was very beautiful. And somehow I was not afraid of him at all. I was in awe of his beauty. Someone was holding his face and I could see that the snake was there just as the horse was, to inspire beauty and awe in me and to offer me friendship and support.

I felt a sense of liberation and celebration and awe.

It is the first time that a huge snake appeared in my dream as something that aroused awe in me.

Awe and friendship. The snake was there to help me gain spiritual strength and to offer me his wisdom and great strength.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Friday, May 13, 2016

From my timeline:

"I am from planet Vegan. On planet vegan we dance and sing with the animals. We especially love the cows and the pigs and the chickens. Everywhere we are surrounded by animals and by vegetation. We are happy on planet vegan. But some of us had to leave planet vegan because we saw that planet earth was destroying itself and we felt deep sorrow for the human beings that were suffering and causing suffering. So we left our spiritual realm and we came to this physical plane. Life here is very hard for those of us from planet Vegan. Some of us even ate other spiritual beings and wore other spiritual beings while we were here only to find out that we had been harming life. Our hearts broke for the suffering that we caused and we yearned to return to planet vegan where the spiritual and the physical are one and where kindness prevails. On planet vegan we were taught that the animals were our brothers and our sisters. We were in awe of their intelligence. We were humbled by the way they loved us and communicated with us. When we came to earth we lost our way. Now we have so much work to do to restore and to heal life. We are tired but we know where we come from and our mission is clear. We are here to teach love. We are here to protect life. We are here now and one day soon we will return to where we came from. One day soon we will live in joy and in harmony with our brothers and sisters, the animals and with all of nature again. I am from planet vegan. I am here for only a very short time."

              -Atara Schimmel

Morning has officially arrived and I am still not tired. Breaking through all of my fears of is exhilarating and seeing the waves that breaking through my own fears has created in the 'external' world is a incredible. But the fact remains that 75 million animals are killed every day in America alone. Still, I have proven to myself that I don't have to die from despair. I can speak my truth and celebrate my victories and watch how each internal barrier that I break through reverberates in the 'external' world. In reality there is no separation between any of us. We are all each other and we are the animals as much as they are us. Their suffering is ours. Our denial is their despair. Our liberation is their liberation. Their liberation is our liberation. The challenge is to remain loving and compassionate and hopeful and to keep on working. The challenge is to take care of my teeth!

And to fall asleep. Please.


And my video "I don't want to see it" has been viewed 1700 times and I find that exhilarating too. And maybe a bit scary too.

It is once again connecting to a power that I have and for the first time I can use this power for something that is calling me,....

But first my teeth. My teeth must come before everything else.


It is liberating to no longer have to tip-toe in this world of absurd cruelty. Liberation is beautiful.



I can't sleep. It is the first time since Pudendal Neuralgia that I am letting my sexuality lead the way. It is scary and exhilarating. I am moving and that is part of it to. It feels like things are happening fast and that despite being sick and bed-ridden lately with fibromyalgia, my creativity which now feels deeply connected to my sexuality is leading the way. It has been a long time since I let myself play. I watched my video of me dancing at least 15 times and the excitement is in my stomach...excitement and fear ?...

I repressed my sexuality for so long. I thought that it was dead. That it was a part of me that belonged to the past before Pudendal Neuralgia. Watching myself dance is like seeing me, the way I was before PN, playful, sexy, ...taunting in a playful joyous way.

Pudendal Neuralgia killed all of that. In the beginning I thought that I was being punished for having had numerous partners in my life. It was not rational thinking but there was nothing, absolutely nothing rational about Pudendal Neuralgia.

I though that PN killed, decimated, exterminated my sexuality....And now I see it before me, in its full-force and it scared me. Can I control it? Do I need to control it? Can I let it go free? I want to let it go free. I want to just let it go. To let it be.

Goddess, how I loved to dance. And how the boys watched me, mesmerized to me when I danced. And how I loved the attention. It was safe. I was protected in my own little bubble of self-expression. At the Bustan in Israel where I used to dance the boys were respectful. I could express myself in all of my creativity and in all of my overflowing sensuality and they watched with respect....They didn't try to possess or to conquer. There were enough beautiful women and everyone was expressing themselves. It was free-style dancing. Sometimes I would get on the floor and dance and pray and worship and love and I could dance myself into ecstasy. Lots of time my dancing became prayers for the men that I worked with that were suffering from severe mental illness. I would reach ecstasy and I would be fueled with tremendous faith and awe in their resilience, in their resilience to continue embracing life despite their devastating illnesses. Dancing gave me an outlet for the pain and the sorrow and it opened pathways to healing, to insight, to hope and to deeper relationship. I was in awe, blessed by their willingness and their desire to meet me (I was their therapist/creative and expressive arts therapist but more often I felt that I was their student...) And I felt blessed that they entrusted me with their deepest fears and their deepest desires and that they got out of their beds to meet me. I felt privileged, chosen.....I worked in a psychiatric hospital on an all male ward...the ward seemed to wake up when I arrived. The men loved me. My stomach is turning as I write this. I can feel the fear rising. What I am afraid of? Is it frightening to admit my own power? To admit to the fact that other women were jealous of my success? My success in creating meaningful connections, my success in getting men out of their beds, beds that stunk from depression and stomach hurts as I write this....Why does it scare me so to admit....that I was powerful, that I could wake up a whole ward of depressed and despondent men.....with my love, with my innate sensuality, with my curiosity...I could feel the resentment from some of the women that worked on the ward....they resented the fact that it came so easy for me...they resented the fact that I was so loved....that I loved so easily....that I succeeded in creating relationships and .....did they resent my sexuality?

I never used my sexuality. It was such a natural part of who I was. I was deeply sensual. And then PN came and crushed me, completely.

It is 4:00 in the morning and I wish that I could sleep but I can't. I feel fear and exhilaration,.....watching myself play through my is like meeting her again. I am afraid of her....she didn't control her sexuality....she let it lead her...and she got burnt time and time again....especially in is it fear of what I will attract....fear of the predators that were always after stomach hurts more....this must be part of it.....the fear of men that I carried within me from the assaults....India, the train, the army, the many endless times was I .....until I hated men with all of my guts, hated their ever-hungry .....India wounded me forever....

But I don't care. I want to celebrate. I want to let my sexuality go out and play. I want to be set free. I want to share what is naturally mine. Like it or not, I am sexy, deeply and beautifully sexy. I have always been deeply and beautifully sensual. Spring is here. Something that I thought was dead has expressed itself today.

My sorrow and despair for the animals has led to a new-found creativity and sensuality. It was either die and drown with them or fight for my life. I have always fought for my life through my creativity and through my sensuality.

I have reconnected to my creative powers....acting, dancing....the cynicism/sarcasm that is coming through, the new-found freedom that I feel in being able to mock the insanity of it all through my acting.....I am finding my way through what felt like an aching pit of sorrow and despair that would never end....I am fighting for the animals now with every creative cell in my body...and I am trying my best to do it joyfully, playfully, faithfully.

And I am finally going home to take care of myself. To take care of my teeth. To take responsibility for everything that is falling apart and crumbling, wiggling and wobbling in my own teeth, I am finally ready to do everything that I can to save you.....

So, I feel ready to leave Provincetown. Even excited, As though some great adventure is awaiting me. But I also just feel a deep sense of relief in the fact that I am going to get help for my teeth.

My mouth is a mess. My teeth are horribly wiggly. I will be toothless soon. The combination of the wiggly teeth and the restless tongue syndrome (I can't control it, it is a side-effect from the medications that I was on for so long) The combination is a killer. I can't stop pushing my tongue into my teeth. And the feeling in my mouth is pain and it is just so strange to have a mouth full of wiggly teeth. The four bottom teeth won't last much longer. So, I am in need of help. And I hope that I can save my teeth. If not I will have to get used to the idea of losing my teeth and having false teeth. That isn't a pleasant thought and the feeling in my mouth is very far from pleasant.

Despite all of this....I have succeeded in breaking through the profound depression and sorrow that took over my Spirit...the despair, the pits of despair that the animals are in, the realms of hell that we have created for the......

Somehow the creative Spirit is stronger....somehow faith has to reign because each one of them matters....and if I can free one, two, three, four....each one is a victory.

The birds are chirping. Morning is coming and I haven't slept and this sucks because i have so little time and still a lot to do ....packing and moving and organizing.....

But somehow the resurrection of my sexuality has gotten ahead of me and I have lost the reigns a bit.

Exhaustion will come.

And my teeth will finally be helped. I am ready to receive help.

Oh sleep please come. I need you.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Maybe my mistake was in actually thinking that ACOG was part of the solution. Believing that if they only knew the truth they would change things.

Maybe what I should have seen is that ACOG is the problem and maybe what I am beginning to accept is that knocking on their door is like knocking on the devil's door asking for some compassion. Why on earth would the devil give you compassion and healing when he makes money from your suffering. He wouldn't.

Naivete goodbye.

Our medical system is so corrupt and I am only beginning to awaken.

Good morning Vegan Sisters.

“It is simply no longer possible to believe much of the clinical research that is published, or to rely on the judgment of trusted physicians or authoritative medical guidelines. I take no pleasure in this conclusion, which I reached slowly and reluctantly over my two decades as an editor of The New England Journal of Medicine.”

-Marcia Angell

On another note though it is the very same note indeed. I continue to get resistance. Even here in so called opened minded provincetown. Matt from the library told me that people came to complain to him about my performing  my mesh poem. Was the word 'Vagina' just too much for our open-minded and progressive Provincetown audience? Mind you an audience that consisted of local writers and poets?

It seems that whatever I do is not right and that wherever I turn people are trying to silence me.

I have never called myself or considered myself to be radical in any shape or form. The concept that it is radical to be compassionate and to speak up for those that are suffering be it humans or an insult to my basic intelligence.

-Atara Schimmel

I can see now the way.

So much of it is about working through my own guilt, anger and resentment.

It is about, as the Maccabeats sing in the song above: 'Replace the Guilt With Inspiration'.

I now know that I can do it. I can prepare something for Rosh Hashanah, something where I am not accusing the Jewish people of being hypocrites but believing in their compassion and in their desire to be more conscious, loving and enlightened beings.

I can do this now because for the first time I am starting to see it. Will Tuttle's way is a beautiful awe-inspiring way and the Jewish people already have a deep connection to mindful living, to tzaar baaley chaim  (mercy for animls) and to the sanctity and sacredness of life.

If I can hold onto this vision than I can encourage and witness and be a catalyst for growth and inspiration. I do believe that the Jewish people are meant to be among the leaders of the animal liberation movement. I do believe that our collective Spirit is one of kindness, compassion and reverence for life.

If I can voyage with this belief in my heart and in my prayers and in my paintings then I can succeed. Then we really can succeed in getting the animals out of confinement, out of the cages, out of the realms of hell that we have unknowingly created for them. We can restore life to its place, a place of honor and reverence and awe...and in doing so we can be healed of our own afflictions, our own sadness, our own sense of grief and loss that may see amorphous and unidentifiable....but in truth stems from the realms of fear, terror and devastation that we have subjected our brethren, our brothers and sisters, the animals to.

We can return to the Garden of Eden and we can return to a time when life was celebrated, revered and honored for in the seat of our soul we know that Godliness resides in each one of us and that animals are here to celebrate and inspire life and creative joy just as we are.

As long as the animals are subjected to violence, as long as the animals are enslaved to the systems of torture and confinement that we have created for them....we ourselves, the  Jewish people, will know no peace.

We have strain too far from our duty to protect and guard the animals. We have strain too far from the truth of what Kashrut is here to teach us. Kashrut at its core is a profound teaching in compassion and consciousness. We were gifted it so as to never forget that animals are mothers and bearers of life just like us. With every meal we were encouraged to meditate on the sentience of the being that is in our plate.

On this Rosh Hashanah I ask you in kindness and in love to please pray for the animals, Please pray that they may be taken out of the cages, the bars, the storehouses that confine them. Please pray that they remain strong in Spirit as so many of them suffer from mental breakdown. Please pray for them in their terror, their grief, their desperation so that we the Jewish people can begin to work together to set them free and in doing so to set ourselves free.

May this Rosh Hashanah be a time of deep healing, insight and spiritual ascension and cleansing.

Shanah Tovah

Atara Schimmel