Thursday, March 20, 2014






So, struggle after struggle after struggle.

I am living with a young woman that is brain damaged from being hit by a car 15 years ago. Living with her is a extremely stressful. She yells and shouts and blames. And I internalize. Last night I decided that I will be leaving here. I am being re-traumatized. I suffered at the hands of my older brother for two years. He is an aggressive brute. She is an aggressive bully.

I wonder what I am supposed to be learning from all of this. But, mostly, I feel that I am a victim.

Which leads me to this:

Pain and trauma that does not get processed through a creative medium will turn into anger and self-destruction. Within the creative process we re-connect to our autonomy, to our spirituality and to our freedom.

Last night I painted. What I saw before me was war paintings. I should have taken photos of this initial step but I was engrossed in process. The war paintings were red and black and white. The colors were in high contrast to each other and the shapes were sharp and cutting. The paintings were threatening. I could imagine a tribe of warriors painting their bodies like this before going to battle.

I looked at the paintings. And looked again. I continued on. I didn't want to stop there because I didn't want to have to look at the anger and the hostility anymore. I wanted something different for myself. I knew that I had decided that I would no longer continue to live with violence.

The charge of anger can easily turn into self-destruction. Creative-work takes that destructive energy, uses it and defuses it.

I could see how through my painting I was creating a way towards growth and expression.

This is what I do daily. This is how I maintain my spiritual self. This is why I have survived trauma sane and compassionate and creative.

This is how I preserved my self in the face of...