Choose Hope

Lady of the day. Yesterday was an anxiety-ridden day. Today, I am going to actively choose hope rather than trepidation. I am scared of the sensitivity that I have to noise. I recently learnt that there is a chronic pain condition called Hyperacusis. 

My sensitivity to sound/noise seems to be increasing. I find myself covering my ears often when I walk. The sound of trucks and traffic make me want to dissappear into the desert. My ears are ringing. Even the sound of my computer while I write this feels invasive. 

My art saves me every day. Somehow, it gives me hope that there still is a place for me in this world. I come from a world where nature, not machines reign. That is the world that my body evolved from and within. And here I am today, in this 'modern' world that is made of loud and obnoxious machinery. Leaf-blowers. 

How do I choose hope when I fear that I cannot survive in this world? How do I choose hope when my body unravels daily? How do I choose hope in an active way TODAY.

My lady came to being with a very clear message. Today I can choose hope and today I will choose hope. Not by denying the fear but by embracing hopefulness. Hopefullness that my body will heal. Hopefullness that I will create and am creating a life of value and meaning. Hopefullness that I will be able to protect my body from harmful sounds. My lady helped me yesterday. 

I will protect myself from loud and invasive sounds. I will protect myself from loud and invasive sounds. I will protect you from loud and invasive sounds.

I need to protect myself from loud and invasive sounds. They are unnatural and they are dangerous. All of my senses and my body evolved over millions of years from nature. I honor that. My body is not a machine. It is sensitive and soft-spoken. 

I understand. The question is how do I successfully protect myself when everywhere I turn there is machinery, cars, trucks, planes overhead...?

I need a plan. 

Here is dear Dr. Echenberg!

It took a lot of work to get this video out. I was stubborn and persistent and only sent it out to the world once I felt that I did everything that I could do to make it the best possible. I got help from Michael, Steve and Andy and I have every intention of celebrating with them the birth of this little and mega-important video. I will continue sending it out to wider audiences through facebook and other channels. 

It was exciting to share my work with others. It feels good to know that I am reaching people. I am very grateful for NewTV, for the help that I get there and the opportunity I have to learn and to grow. I sure need a lot of that to gain some plasticity in my brain. I am working hard at winning back all of that dead white matter. 

Speaking of white, the snow is killing me. Even my PN pain has been sharper these past few days. I wonder if it is from all of the awkward ways that I position my body when I am painting/stamping/rubbing/scraping...the real things that doing my art means nowadays. My bedroom has turned into a studio. In other words I have given in to the mess, the constant chaos of supplies and papers and ideas in process everywhere.

One of my abstract paintings will be hanging at City Hall. I have to trudge through the castles of snow to deliver my piece tomorrow.

My art keeps me sane. It keeps me from sinking into the bottomless pit of depression and self-blame. I sometimes fall into the trap of blaming myself. Blaming myself for all the travelling I did in my younger years and the morbid diseases that my body was subjected to. Today for  the first time I thought that it would be healing to create a piece of art on this matter. Maybe a piece of art that celebrates my travels, my bravery, my curiosity.... to remind myself that I am not to blame. That none of this is my fault. That it is within my power to transform my suffering into a collective Healing. That the day will come that I will say for certain that all of this happened so that I could be a voice for the voiceless. It is a coping mechanism that works for me at least some of the time. I have to believe that my life didn't just get shot to hell for nothing. I have to believe that there is a greater good to all of this. I have to believe that I can and will and am creating this greater good.

Introducing my ladies.

I will be painting 30 ladies. One lady for each million of the 30 million women that suffer from pelvic pain. That is what came through. I do feel a sense of relief in having this focus and this clarity. I have a set goal that I can enjoy working towards. I am happy that I listened to and followed my natural attractions. I allowed myself to explore Kelly Rae's Art from beginning till end and back again for the past month. Her art has helped me get through the snow-storms and the horrible fibromyalgia symptoms of pain and deep fatigue.

My ladies are coming through.

She reminds of me of Noam, my younger brother, when he was a toddler. I love her. She is kind and sweet and gentle. She is comforting to look at.

I have been delving into my art lately. I have a lot of gratitude to express to my facebook friends. Friends have been so supportive in encouraging my art. Their encouragement inspires me to create more, to be relentless in my search, to persist until I find what I am looking for. And what is coming up for me is 'LOVE'! Who would have thought and what a surprise, right?


Yes, I would like to meet a wonderful soul in a male body to love and to honor till death do us part. I will try to make some effort there. Being snowed in and fibromyalgia-d out doesn't pave the way. But I promised myself to listen to the callings, those little timid yet persistent tweets in my heart. I can hear you.


Then there is the greater love, the love that I want to devote my life to. Art and Healing and all of the people that want to join me on this forever journey. I thought that it could be nice to share my art here. I imagine that at some point my blog will reach a wider audience. I feel like I should be investing more energy into my blog but all of my inspiration and motivation is in creating art. That is something to be grateful for. I have found a new passion and direction through meeting Kelly Rae Robert's art and through taking her online class. She has added and encouraged A LOT of positivity into my art and with no guilt. I seem to have accepted the fact that I want to create positive and inspiring and healing art.


I am okay with this. It takes a load of pressure off of me. I want to do something for the animals and I just have to trust that when the time is right it will come through. For now, what has come through is a lot of positive and healing artwork. I can focus on my strengths and on my joys and I can share them and inspire others. So many of us need to be creative, to be colorful, to be invigorated by and with the truth that we are Creators, that we are moon-Goddesses, that we can create beautiful and meaningful lives that are whole, passionate and expansive even from our very own beds and rooms.


Facebook has opened up for me a community that I feel deeply connected to. I know that there is a world out there that is eager to connect and to inspire. We are hungry, maybe even starving for life, for connection, for meaning. Art holds so much potential for us. I want to help people realize this potential. As the community strengthens and encourages me I am full of gratitude and yearn to share with them my passion. Maybe more so than ever I can feel the 'healing artist' within me being called and called upon. I know that I can share and teach and I want to do so. I want to share my passion.


This blog deserves more attention from me. This blog deserves to be loved, honored and cared for by me. Maybe I will slowly but surely infuse it with my love.