Hi Blog

Right now, I am tired but I want to take the time to write about the few wonderful days that I had last week. I feel that it is important, that I owe it to myself and also to those who care about me and feel for me through reading my blog. I am tired now mostly because I took a Benadryl in between morning and night. That was a mistake because I was completely physically out of it all day today. Either Benadryl just before sleep or not at all. I do have to say that I am grateful to Lisa who was the first one to tell me that Benadryl works for sleep. I think that the better sleep is part of what has been keeping my pain levels down and my spirits up. I also know that the activities that I am keeping myself busy with are also a large part of my uplifted spirits. It is not about pushing myself beyond my limits. It is about keeping myself focused on doing advocacy and awareness work. When I am busy with the things that I believe in then I have faith. I have faith that this pain is not for nothing. I keep faith that everything that I went through will serve its higher purpose. And I feel blessed and grateful that I am able enough and healthy enough (in body, mind and soul) to be serving God's/Goddesses' will on this earth. And I can even write to you about Happiness, even about Joy. I spent Thursday last week going to Blick's Art Store and then walking my long way to Mass Ave., to Dorothy's Boutique on 190 Mass Ave in Boston. Ohhhhhh, did I have fun. I tried on wig after wig after wig after wig after wig after wig after wig and one more wig and another wig and oh, yes, that wig too and maybe that color also and oh, I just noticed that one......I imagine that at this point you have learned another thing about me; I love trying on wigs. What greater excuse could I have to do so then that Purim is just around the corner and that I plan on having fun on Purim. Somehow, now that I have shaved all my own hair off, the wigs are all the more enticing. I bought two long-haired wigs and I have been wearing them just for fun. It is good to bring in Adar (the month of Purim) early so I wore it to Friday night services already. I am ready to grow my hair back long. Till then, I can play with my wigs. I could write a lot about Purim and its spiritual and transformational messages of faith and of courage. But, I am tired and what I want to write about is this: It was a beautiful day, an alluring preview of spring, I woke up early and got dressed to go to New TV to work on Final Cut Pro. My session was canceled and it was Blick's Madness Day. I had a 40% off coupon on any item in the store. And there were coupons and prizes being given out. I knew that I wanted to buy water-color crayons and that I wanted to buy blank greeting cards for the art workshop next week. I also knew that it was time to buy a wig for Purim. All I had to do was discover where. So, off I went not realizing that I was walking into one of the happiest days that I was to have in the last three years of my life.
What made it so happy?
The tremendous gratitude in my heart. The tremendous gratitude in my soul for having Life handed back to me in a way that I was sure would never be mine again.
And how simple is that?

Not simple at all.

And simply, simply beautiful.

Thank you was my heart.

And I spoke to a young homeless man that was sitting on the bridge. And I felt to grateful that I could bring him a pair of socks and a sweater.

I can walk.

I can laugh and try on wigs.

I can tell pretty boys that they are pretty.

I can talk to old ladies.

I can do so many things.

I can feel her. Her!! Me!!! The one that I thought that I had lost forever! The one that I loved so much because she cared so much about others and felt so much for others and her mischievousness, her playfulness and her passion.....her exuberance, her flirtatiousness....SHE was with me BY MY SIDE that entire day!!!!!

And I felt so blessed by her presence, so high....oh boy, do i know that high well...

Truly, I have been lucky to have her by my side for so much of my life. She is mostly made of love and a whole lot of playfulness inspired by that love.

That was on Thursday. Today it is Sunday. Abba will be coming from the hospital in a few days. I imagine that I will be crushed again soon. But at least I got a taste of her again. For a full and glorious day.

Good night
May you all sleep well
Thank you for joining me on my journeys.

Atara

I just returned from visiting my Abba. I covered his face with kisses and more kisses. It is hard to get myself going to visit him. But once I see him before me, my heart is so full of love for him that the sadness recedes and what remains is my desire to kiss him, to hold him, to hug him and to caress the lines of his face that have deepened these past two years. My father became an old man. Abba, I love you so much. You are the man that I love so much in this world. Sometimes I think that I was born for him, that our souls come from the same root-soul, that I came to this physical world in order to be near him and in order to love him, in order to be his very special pride and glory, his daughter. He always loved me that way, with so much pride and so much glory. My sweet father, how much beauty he saw in me and how much he loved to share his pride in me with others. 
And how these past three years wreaked havoc in our lives and how we misunderstood each other. And how much pain we carried as we lay crushed by the weight of our own and of each other's suffering and loss. Abba, I cover your face in kisses and I tell you how much I love you. And later you wonder out loud "You still love me. You have not forgotten me even though I have caused so much pain and suffering." And I tell him "Abba, that surprises you?" All I want is to be your little girl, to be your pride and your glory and to love you, to love you forever because you are my father and you raised me up as your crown. Abba, stay with me here so that I can grow with your eyes still upon me. Stay with me here so that I can watch your smile as I speak to you. Abba, stay with me here so that I can still, please, continue to be a daughter to a father like you, here. Let me cover your face with kisses and let me hold your hand in my own. Let me touch your face and tell you "Abba, you are so beautiful." Abba, stay. Stay for me, just because I still need you here. I still need you here with me.
Abba sleep well. I will visit you again in a few days. Now they know that I cannot sit for long so they brought me a reclining chair. So I will be able to stay with you for longer, holding your hand, knowing that I still am a girl with a father. A girl with a beautiful father.

The Feminist Club at Lesley Univesity

We went to the Feminist Club and talked to the women there about our conditions. I was very passionate (as I always am when I do the things that I believe in). Thank God I have been keeping myself busy. Otherwise the depression is like a suction cup or sinking sand, a whirl-wind or maybe a black hole. When i am busy doing the things that are meaningful to me, creating my life anew, I feel good, even with the pain. So, I have been feeling better and excitement and passion have returned to my being. We will have a table at Lesley University on the evenings of the Vagina Monologues. It is time to make signs to attract the crowds that are just waiting for our crusade to begin. If I am not on a mission I will die. If I am not a shaman than I will die. And yesterday, despite my high and exhausting pain level I participated in the scrap-booking workshop and it was great! And so, I feel that I am succeeding in putting the pieces of my puzzled life and self back together again. And yes, once again connecting to the feeling that I am a part of something larger  than myself and that I have a duty and an obligation to this larger self to spread awareness, to create community and to bring about change. At times like these I feel I know that we can do it. I feel that it could spread like a wave or like a fire if we just continue lighting the small sparks. Eventually the lighted sparks will begin to connect to each other and that gathered light will spread. I believe in this. I have to believe in this.
One of the girls told us about a good friend of hers who recently just started becoming sexually active. She said that she called her asking her "You know how during sex it really hurts and how afterwards it burns..." So, it sounds like we just had another hit. My first hit was at the Women's Conference when one of the women that I "educated" listened to what I went through and then said "that is exactly what my good friend is going through now. She is married with children and has been having genital pain on and off. She stopped being able to have sex and now her pais is becoming excruciating and constant. She has been going from doctor to doctor and she is not getting an answer. She just had a CT that shows nothing..." I felt like I had become my own hero, like for a moment I was flying on God's wings, that God was blessing me and allowing me to fulfill my prayer. When I was in the chambers I pleaded to be taken. But, I also begged that if this is what I must go through then please have it be for a reason. Please let me heal enough, let me reach that point where I am able to give support to others and to spread awareness. Please because this is the only way that I can accept what is happening to me. Please let this horrible suffering be for a higher purpose. So, I am trying hard. And God has been on my side this past week. My father is in the hospital wanting to die. That has not changed. But at least when I visit him I can share with him the things that I am doing. I do know that that will give him happiness even if happiness feels to him like something that no longer exists in his reality. So, thank you for helping me. Thank you for supporting me. Thank  you for giving me the courage and the strength and the physical ability to go out and do what I believe in. I pray for more.

Dream

I, woke up to a strange dream.
In the dream I saw that I would not be silent.
In the dream I saw that the journey would be hard.
I saw death and and pointless loss.
I saw the path of man.
I saw the path of woman
I saw women painted, their bodies painted all over, beautiful art, the color green in its lighter shades
I saw women painting each other and waiting to be painted
I saw women that had stopped, that stood, that defied subjugation and enslavement and senselessness with their paints and their colors and with their own artistic bodies and hands...
And there they celebrated what was and will always be their's to claim
Their art, their community, their wisdom...
They defied the world that man had created by stopping by painting by recognizing beauty and melody and the rhythm of art and of life
They had no desire to conquer or to control
Their desire was to be free of the senseless yoke of their suffering

They congregated and painted their bodies
They separated themselves from man
And sought to explore their own wisdom and their own female genius that was their bodies, their mind and their spirit.

Raquel was there with me, trying to find her way through. She had hopes that I could guide her. making flowers, red roses out of fabric, ... it was already happening, we had only to find the cave,

there was still so much work to be done.... painting...light green, ...body art....

At the board meeting on Wed. I asked Dr. Stewart if I could interview her. And the answer was a straightforward 'Yes.'

That was to remind myself and all of you that along with the tears, good things are happening too. Some day soon, there will be videos attached to this blog. And that means videos that will talk talk talk to a lot of people.

Hope has rabbit ears and it spreads a smile across my tattered face.

Goodnight

And good night to my father who once again is in the hospital, no hugs today.

once again
i am crushed
the silence of the physical pain
makes me want to scream

to scream at the world for not seeing
tears tears tears
like ripe fruits
engrave pathways into my face

pain chisels through my brain
sorrow, loss and loneliness

travel familiar routes
if i had been crazy

would it have been easier
than being seen as crazy

and being ignored
and invisible

underneath their 'knowing' eyes that put me in a case, a category
neatly tucked into a folder

instead of having to feel the unbearable weight of the pain that i carry

brother, how many times over will i be betrayed by you?
and when will it just stop hurting?

Yesterday I watched everything that we video-taped. I was strong yesterday. Today, I crashed. I stuck two opium and belladona suppositories into my vagina instead of into my rectus hematicus (sounds better than rectum) and then I got stoned. Oh great, and now it is 5:00 and I still have not taken my cymbalta and my lyrica today. The pain is again like a wild boar eating into me and I can't get control over it. I am so so so tired and I can't sleep cuz of the pain and the cymbalta and the exhaustion.......