I remember that I wanted to post about the owl. Yesterday, I was standing outside at the front entrance. I was thinking about everything that has come together. I was feeling it with a sense of wonder and gratitude and suddenly I saw an owl among a few other lovely birds fly past me. I have never seen an owl fly past me before. It was so close.

Owl, what are you telling me? I think that you are telling me that I will succeed. I think that you came to celebrate this gathering of forces with me.You came like a vortex, to strengthen me. To encourage me. To tell me that I am strong and that I can do it. You came to tell me that you have faith in me.

Thank you for your message owl. Thank you.

I am going to paste here information about owl symbolism and meaning that I connect to.

'It represents something that is not easily found but through a struggle and great search.'

I want to write a bit about the good things that are coming together now. It started like this. A few weeks ago a fellow pain warrior posted a photo onto my timeline. There they were, the angels, Project Angel and my name. I was pleasantly surprised. Wendy Evered, a fellow activist and pain warrior wrote about Project Angel for the magazine PainPathways. I was excited and immediately thought that I would love to contribute my story and more of my art to the magazine. So, I called PainPathways and sent them some of my poetry, my six page story about surviving PN and I invited them to take a look at my website. Last week, Amy North, editor of PainPathways called me to tell me that they would like to publish my 'Faces of PN' on the Inspiration Page of the Sept. issue. Amy told me that September is Pain Awareness month and that it is also IC Awareness month. She didn't know if September had officially become Chronic Pelvic Pain Awareness month but she knew that there were CPP advocates that were trying to make that happen. Amy asked me to put together a resource list for people with CPP that would be put alongside my art. But it was more than that. She asked me to write a group e-mail to my resource list explaining that I was partnering with PainPathways to raise awareness about CPP and that I wanted to put them down as a resource.

And that is how my love affair began. I called the IC Network. Jill Osborne, founder and president of the IC Network answered the phone herself. This was a pleasant surprise. I told Jill about my partnership with PainPathways and that I would like to put the IC Network as a resource. I asked Jill if she knew if Sept. had officially been declared CPP awareness month. Once again I was pleasantly surprised when Jill told me that she was the one that was pushing hard to make this happen! When she told me that, I knew that I had reached the right place! I love when people get that it is about all of us together.

I was happy! Then I got even happier when Dr. Echenberg's name came up. I mentioned to Jill that I had created a short video of Dr. Echenberg and she immediately knew what video I was talking about. She had seen it! Then I mentioned Project Angel and Jill was very excited to discover that I was me :) She had been to my website a few weeks ago and loved the angels and their mission.
I was moved by her enthusiasm. She was genuinely excited to know that she was talking to me.

Now, you ask why all of this is so meaningful for me. Well, in the beginning I was sure that I had endometriosis. After the laparoscopy that came out clear I was sure that I had IC. I was already scheduled to have bladder installations. Last minute, I decided to have a hydrodistention. That was clear too. That is when I diagnosed myself with what I was really suffering from, PN. I had read about Jill and how IC happened to her. I was in profound suffering and grief but reading her story and seeing that she was leading a meaningful and inspired life despite IC gave me hope.

Jill asked me if she could write an article about me and about Project Angel for the IC magazine. She said that what I am doing can inspire other women. So there I was being asked by one of my hero's if she could write an article about me. Humbled, honored and excited. I felt that something beautiful and powerful had come full circle for me.

Then I called the National Vulvodynia Association. I spoke to Lisa Goldstein, executive director of the NVA. I told Lisa about PainPathways and that I would like to list the NVA as a resource. We spoke for a long time and at some point we started talking about the lack of education on CPP in medical school. This brought us to The American College of Obgyn (also known as ACOG).

 I have known for a very long time that someday somehow we (theCPP community) were going to have to reach them. I had no idea how this would happen. Dr. Stewart had talked about them in her interview when I asked what we (all of us survivors) could do to get CPP into the medical school curriculum. I think that she said that we could write letters to ACOG. It has been a long time since I watched the video. It has been ready for months but I have been waiting for Dr. Stewart to finish her website so that I could include it in the video.

Lisa Goldstein explained to me that we should find out what material ACOG does have about CPP so that we can know exactly what we want to ask for. She told me to speak with Katelin Phelps from ACOG. Katelin staffs the committee of The Dep't of Gynecologic Practice. I called ACOG and asked for her. I was angry and I immediately 'attacked her' with the devastating and enraging truth. How could this be happening? How can it be that millions of us are being told that we are crazy by gynecologists...that gynecologists are graduating med-school without ever having heard of PN, V, IC, PGAD...I was angry, very angry and she hung up on me.

I am planning to call her to apologize. It isn't her fault. But I couldn't see her. I just saw how ACOG was failing us miserably. I saw the thousands of gynecologists that were kicking us out of their offices with the 'its in your head'....I saw my suffering, our suffering....and the rage of all of that...is something that I will have to work harder at curbing.

I think that it is the rage that kept me from reaching this point sooner. But it is also the rage that fuels my passion and my drive and that has brought me to where we are today.

We are here. Jill Osborne, Lisa Goldstein, Dahri McFaline, Dr. Echenberg, Pat Onorato, Amy North, Katherine Clement and many many more. They all have so much experience and I am learning from them. They are helping me control my anger. They are teaching me. I am grateful to be in their company. Grateful that we have all made it here together. Grateful that together our voices will be heard!!!

Yes, I believe it.

Love,

Atara

And I bought my own domain. I am now officially ataraschimmel.com.

Progress is pretty.

Choose Hope

Lady of the day. Yesterday was an anxiety-ridden day. Today, I am going to actively choose hope rather than trepidation. I am scared of the sensitivity that I have to noise. I recently learnt that there is a chronic pain condition called Hyperacusis. 

My sensitivity to sound/noise seems to be increasing. I find myself covering my ears often when I walk. The sound of trucks and traffic make me want to dissappear into the desert. My ears are ringing. Even the sound of my computer while I write this feels invasive. 

My art saves me every day. Somehow, it gives me hope that there still is a place for me in this world. I come from a world where nature, not machines reign. That is the world that my body evolved from and within. And here I am today, in this 'modern' world that is made of loud and obnoxious machinery. Leaf-blowers. 

How do I choose hope when I fear that I cannot survive in this world? How do I choose hope when my body unravels daily? How do I choose hope in an active way TODAY.

My lady came to being with a very clear message. Today I can choose hope and today I will choose hope. Not by denying the fear but by embracing hopefulness. Hopefullness that my body will heal. Hopefullness that I will create and am creating a life of value and meaning. Hopefullness that I will be able to protect my body from harmful sounds. My lady helped me yesterday. 

I will protect myself from loud and invasive sounds. I will protect myself from loud and invasive sounds. I will protect you from loud and invasive sounds.

I need to protect myself from loud and invasive sounds. They are unnatural and they are dangerous. All of my senses and my body evolved over millions of years from nature. I honor that. My body is not a machine. It is sensitive and soft-spoken. 

I understand. The question is how do I successfully protect myself when everywhere I turn there is machinery, cars, trucks, planes overhead...?

I need a plan. 

Here is dear Dr. Echenberg!

It took a lot of work to get this video out. I was stubborn and persistent and only sent it out to the world once I felt that I did everything that I could do to make it the best possible. I got help from Michael, Steve and Andy and I have every intention of celebrating with them the birth of this little and mega-important video. I will continue sending it out to wider audiences through facebook and other channels. 

It was exciting to share my work with others. It feels good to know that I am reaching people. I am very grateful for NewTV, for the help that I get there and the opportunity I have to learn and to grow. I sure need a lot of that to gain some plasticity in my brain. I am working hard at winning back all of that dead white matter. 

Speaking of white, the snow is killing me. Even my PN pain has been sharper these past few days. I wonder if it is from all of the awkward ways that I position my body when I am painting/stamping/rubbing/scraping...the real things that doing my art means nowadays. My bedroom has turned into a studio. In other words I have given in to the mess, the constant chaos of supplies and papers and ideas in process everywhere.

One of my abstract paintings will be hanging at City Hall. I have to trudge through the castles of snow to deliver my piece tomorrow.

My art keeps me sane. It keeps me from sinking into the bottomless pit of depression and self-blame. I sometimes fall into the trap of blaming myself. Blaming myself for all the travelling I did in my younger years and the morbid diseases that my body was subjected to. Today for  the first time I thought that it would be healing to create a piece of art on this matter. Maybe a piece of art that celebrates my travels, my bravery, my curiosity.... to remind myself that I am not to blame. That none of this is my fault. That it is within my power to transform my suffering into a collective Healing. That the day will come that I will say for certain that all of this happened so that I could be a voice for the voiceless. It is a coping mechanism that works for me at least some of the time. I have to believe that my life didn't just get shot to hell for nothing. I have to believe that there is a greater good to all of this. I have to believe that I can and will and am creating this greater good.

Introducing my ladies.

I will be painting 30 ladies. One lady for each million of the 30 million women that suffer from pelvic pain. That is what came through. I do feel a sense of relief in having this focus and this clarity. I have a set goal that I can enjoy working towards. I am happy that I listened to and followed my natural attractions. I allowed myself to explore Kelly Rae's Art from beginning till end and back again for the past month. Her art has helped me get through the snow-storms and the horrible fibromyalgia symptoms of pain and deep fatigue.

My ladies are coming through.

She reminds of me of Noam, my younger brother, when he was a toddler. I love her. She is kind and sweet and gentle. She is comforting to look at.

I have been delving into my art lately. I have a lot of gratitude to express to my facebook friends. Friends have been so supportive in encouraging my art. Their encouragement inspires me to create more, to be relentless in my search, to persist until I find what I am looking for. And what is coming up for me is 'LOVE'! Who would have thought and what a surprise, right?


Yes, I would like to meet a wonderful soul in a male body to love and to honor till death do us part. I will try to make some effort there. Being snowed in and fibromyalgia-d out doesn't pave the way. But I promised myself to listen to the callings, those little timid yet persistent tweets in my heart. I can hear you.


Then there is the greater love, the love that I want to devote my life to. Art and Healing and all of the people that want to join me on this forever journey. I thought that it could be nice to share my art here. I imagine that at some point my blog will reach a wider audience. I feel like I should be investing more energy into my blog but all of my inspiration and motivation is in creating art. That is something to be grateful for. I have found a new passion and direction through meeting Kelly Rae Robert's art and through taking her online class. She has added and encouraged A LOT of positivity into my art and with no guilt. I seem to have accepted the fact that I want to create positive and inspiring and healing art.


I am okay with this. It takes a load of pressure off of me. I want to do something for the animals and I just have to trust that when the time is right it will come through. For now, what has come through is a lot of positive and healing artwork. I can focus on my strengths and on my joys and I can share them and inspire others. So many of us need to be creative, to be colorful, to be invigorated by and with the truth that we are Creators, that we are moon-Goddesses, that we can create beautiful and meaningful lives that are whole, passionate and expansive even from our very own beds and rooms.


Facebook has opened up for me a community that I feel deeply connected to. I know that there is a world out there that is eager to connect and to inspire. We are hungry, maybe even starving for life, for connection, for meaning. Art holds so much potential for us. I want to help people realize this potential. As the community strengthens and encourages me I am full of gratitude and yearn to share with them my passion. Maybe more so than ever I can feel the 'healing artist' within me being called and called upon. I know that I can share and teach and I want to do so. I want to share my passion.


This blog deserves more attention from me. This blog deserves to be loved, honored and cared for by me. Maybe I will slowly but surely infuse it with my love.

My fibro. symptoms have been so @@$$##@#^ hard. Still fighting. Always fighting. I signed up for Kelly Rae Roberts on-line class. I will be teaching a multi-media painting class at Webster house. I really look forward to giving something back to Webster house. I love being there. Souls are everywhere and everyone is doing art. Broken souls are the most beautiful ones because you can see what is inside. I consider myself a broken soul. Even before PN.

I really like Kelly's art and I really admire her openness and her positivity. I feel that she is sharing with me important stepping stones. I think that it is time that I open my etsy store. It is also time to really get this blog looking good. Of course, I am tired, the fatigue and fibro. brain-fog are crushing. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I could complain forever. What is the point. I might as well try to be positive.

This friday I will be going to Cindy Steinberg's support group. I am looking forward to this. I feel honored and I appreciate that a lot. I know that Cindy wants me to feel honored and valued for what I do and that is kind. Kindness. Veganism. Teaching a class at Webster House. I think that that is going to be a real highlight for me because I love Webster House so much. I am excited to teach! I miss teaching and sharing.

I will be at Newton City Hall again for Newton Open Studios in April. My dream is to have a body of work about pigs, chickens and cows in the goddamn factory dungeons of hell. More and more I see through the exterior of society into the truth. And it such an ugly and violent and selfish truth. Kelly Rae Roberts is so positive in her blog. I can't stay positive for more than a sentence or two. :(

I participated in the Newton Shop and Stroll fair. There I was giving out pamphlets about factory 'farming'. Damn, that our world is so messed up that we can call something brutal and sadistic 'farming.' Kills me.

Another thing has been killing me lately. The Yazidi women. Raped and Tortured and Brutalized by Isis. Those that escape and return to their people oftentimes deny being raped because they fear that they will be ostracized and rejected. I had to understand this so I researched it and found out that the Yazidi culture is just as fucked up as their surrounding Arab culture when it comes to the abuse of women and girls. In 2007 a beautiful 17 year old Yazidi girl named Kalil was killed in an 'honor killing.' I was so stupid and I watched the video. Just like Isis does today, her murderers recorded her killing and posted it all over youtube. It was sickening. And I am having flashbacks. Makes me feel so helpless and scared. Seeing how simple evil is. It is so simple. Never mind. I wish that I could erase it from my mind. I shouldn't have even written about it. Maybe I should give myself a challenge.

I challenge you to write only positive things in your blog. Nope, I can't. Being an empath and a broken soul leaves me very vulnerable. Kelly's art helps me. So does her attitude. But she like the rest of our culture is in love with her leather cowboy boots. Love Animals.

I love animals. Animals are the soul of my world. Thank you for the animals. Thank you for gentle animals. Thank you for the birds. Thank you for the deer. Thank you for the swan. Thank you for love. Thank you for positivity. I am not Kelly Rae Robert's (check out her art, it really is very lovely). I am me.

I hope that one day I will feel blessed again. One day I will. Some days I do. Just not when my body feels like its dying. That could kill positivity.

So, I have been suffering along with the Yazidi girls. Feeling helpless and vulnerable. Feeling how trapped they feel. Terrified. Wanting to make jewelry to sell to raise money for them.
I hate seeing the evil so clearly. Being innocent was easier. But PN blasted innocence out of me.

1. Disability fair with Pat and Mary.
2. Feminist club, Leslie College.
3. Vagina monologues, Leslie College.
4. Newton Open Studio, 2014
5. Alliance for Pelvic Pain, 2014
6. Newton Shop and Stroll art fair, 2014
7. Cindy Steinberg's support group, 2015 (looking forward, this friday)
8. Newton Open Studios, 2015 (looking forward, this April)

1. Facilitator of pelvic pain support group, 2 years.
2. Art and Healing workshop
3. Board member of Vulvodynia Matters, 2 years.

Keeping a record. Kelly Rae Robert keeps a record of all her stepping stones. Her website is built with so much wisdom. I would like to have a website for this Pudendal Neuralgia journey, something that others could engage in and 'enjoy.' Maybe one day I will. I will definitely need help in creating it.

Love,
Atara