Apparently I am learning something
Things are adding up
I understand this because I am beginning to grasp how much work I have ahead of me
This is a very good thing
I am devoted
I am committed
I just hope that my family members stay stable enough so that I can go on with my work

So, with the help of the short classes at New TV and the help from Ido I have got some focus and clarity and I know how to progress. I have a lot of transcribing to do and a lot of documentaries to watch. I have informed Abba that he is my apprentice and that we have a lot of work ahead of us. He, of course, complains about everything and anything that demands of him to part from his bed and to disentangle him from his devotion to Depression. He still has a good-enough brain thank god and if strategically courted he usually obliges to being helpful. Thank God because i would want to shoot myself in the head if I had to listen to and transcribe all the interviews, including myself, alone.

I have informed him that he will be joining me for three of the most basic classes at New TV: camera, audio and lighting. I hope that he won't make things too difficult with his typical resistance to anything that involves interacting with others. Now that Ima is on her way to Israel I feel an added responsibility to make sure that Abba function at least minimally. Taking him as my apprentice (we just laughed together when I informed him of his new position) may help us get through the next five weeks relatively unharmed. We should be okay. Hope I have.

So,

Happy Birthday
July 31st, 1974
You made it alive
Being pulled out of my cozy me into those sharp blazing lights and those strange noises was a terrifying shock
I was totally unprepared
There were no warnings

But, I like my Mom
So, I survived

And she clearly liked me
So,  I did okay

And then I met my Dad
And I liked him too
Especially his mustache

So, I figured that I will hang around

And, here I am

Still kickin (no kicking, absolutely no kicking for me, that is what got me in trouble in the first place with this PN mess)

Happy Birthday
Birthday Girl

I am here for you

Love,

Atara

legs spread open, knife each side, being holds ripped head high with hands upwards, head looking down horror at knives

do to

dark

light

white

black

do to

and wait


head in hands

hands hold head up high

hands dislodge head

head in horror

knives right

knives left

legs spread open

wide open

do to

do to

and wait


yes

can do

knife
each side
left
right
right
left
head in hands
looking down
horror
knives

do
what do to
to what do
do to what
want to do
do what want
do to

do to

found

do to

that is it

do to

do to

do to

wait

light vs. dark
the contrast
curl up into your arms
shield yourself
light
dark
only
you and them
left to express
what the remains are

where there is no other color
black white
dark light
white black
light dark

separate

then

wait

until

it

happens

and witness

it

Depression
Alone
Out on the streets
disabled
can i be someone's pet?
i am affectionate and loving
what a sad thought
and funny too

grief

loss

depression

fears

anxiety

insomnia

desperation

negative negative negative

my body hurts

get me out of it

i want a new body

every minute minute minute

insomnia no sleep no peace

didn't send in any writing

pathetic, hate the subject

want to throw PN up

The Subject

Subjugated to this till death do us part

death do us part!!!

Yes! Something to look forward to!

come death, come

take me away into your loving arms

so many years till that is gonna happen

burning burning vagina all the time all day long

great awesome life, uh -huh

can i drown my head just for a night

shut the signals down!

did you hear me? I said shut the signals down!!!

what's she talking about

she's talking about the signals, shut them up already!

mam, i don't got no machine that can do that

what? well, then get off of your lazy ass and create that machine fast

get those signals shut down now, i'm telling you

you don't want to see no daughter of mine splattered down there now, do you?

that won't be a pretty sight now, will it?

no maam, that won't be no pretty sight

I will get  to work

you better get to work or there won't be no dinner waiting for you

and tell those boys to put their shovels away

she ain't jumping off no building tonight, no she ain't

but you stop looking at me now with those beetle eyes of yours and start working on that signal machine

i will be damned. they know how to make signals talk through the air but they don't know how to shut down my baby's signals that are right here, right here in this little brain of hers

ain't no sense in this world

no, there ain't no sense in this world at all

and i'll tell you why there ain't no sense around here

its cuz the signals they got running around are wired to that hanging thing attached to where we got our 'down there'

the wiring is off, did you hear me, mister

i said fix that wiring in her head and tell it to stop going to the wrong places, you just get it to shut right up and fast, did you hear me straight or what?

And tell those men down there to put their shovels away. i made blueberry pie and she ain't gonna go when there is blueberry pie on my table. she know i made it for her.

I got very anxious today before going to my private water-coloring lesson. In order to get to my teacher's house I have to walk the way that I walked the first year here when I was at my worst, lugging my tormented body to physical therapy at Marathon Sports in Newton Corner. I trudged my way through the snow and slush and made my way through the winter into spring. Then I was told to do Botox and my descent into the Underworld began anew. I lost all the progress that I had scraped out of God's frozen ear. I lost it all, again. And went under, suffocating under cement, turning into molten tar. And still I watched my body walk to Marathon Sports, my brain focused on high buildings, images of razor blades and bodies of water that could smother the pain for once and for all into nothing raping my mind.

My anxiety. Today I crawled back into bed an hour before I had to go. I wanted to face the wall and to not leave my bed or my bedroom.

I went. I went to paint with water-colors. In the Spring of that year I started taking water-coloring classes at the New Art Centre in Newtonville. I discovered that I could stand for the three hour class and that I could paint lying down in my room. I discovered that I could paint. I realized that I had talent. I was mystified by the birds of many colors that appeared on my papers. I had gained something. The birds were a sign of progress, of life and of hope. Then I had Botox. For the second time, life and hope disappeared and sirens choked the darkness. I rocked my body back and forth on the floor of my room. I could no longer go to Micheal Milbourn's water-coloring class. I could no longer stand for three hours or for two or hours or for one hour. I could no longer schedule anything. My body caved into torment. My mind caved into torment. Windows were to jump out of. Ponds were to jump into. Tall buildings were magnets to my mind. Pills. Poisonous mushrooms, berries and back to pills.

I don't want to remember. I try hard to forget. I want to be present today, not jarred into the past. I don't want to relive it.

I walked through, past and into...

And once I reached my teacher's house and started painting I was here again.

I lost so much breath today.

And I gained two fish and a lot of homework; many more fish to paint.
Next week I will brave the way again.
Something good will come out of all of this.

I am sure.