Julia came for a visit and bought a necklace and requested that I make matching earrings for her. I will do so. Elie also bought a necklace from me too. I have decided that whatever money I make from selling the jewelry that I have made will go towards buying a video-camera so that I can become independent in creating my documentaries. It is nice to have a goal. I should be able to buy a camera within the next few months and then I can start at least with gathering B-roll footage on my own. This is good. As always, my mind is swirling with ideas that I see in pictures. Piecing it all together will be a long process, work that will bear its fruit in due time.
It was very nice to  meet with Julia. It was very nice to meet with Elie. I would like to keep up with my friendships. Tomorrow I hope to work on the casting of my body with Maayan. On Friday I will spend the day with Yaarit. I must immerse myself in normalcy so as to remain connected to life and to creation as opposed to stagnation and fear. Abba. I wake up anxious, Abba's condition is contagious. I have to make sure that I remain unconvinced by the doom that he embodies. I have to remain focused and present and with faith so as to continue embracing life.

I am less inclined to visit my blog,  maybe I have come to desire more privacy in my life. Maybe my creative energies are focused elsewhere. The documentary has a long road to go. I know now what I want and this makes it easier. I have more focus and with the help of Ido more of a sense of direction, movement and possibility. I feel that I can rely on him to be there for me and I value his advice and his mind. He has a creative mind. A sharp mind. And he is prepared to work with me. I have set a date for an interview with Dr. Jameson for Sept 11th. I have yet to set a date with Dr. Volovska. I will have to interview Raquel again. Jim's filming was too dark. Some of the footage that Jim filmed for B-roll is artistic and inspiring. Coonie is beautiful. Siabonga has died. The life that I lived is worlds away now aside from Liat, Deganit and Donna who continue to journey with me, my devoted and beloved sisters. Savta should leave her physical attachment soon. Her spirit has long been in the other realm. She was the first light to merge with me. Soft, tender and welcoming.
Siabonga.
Ido.
I wonder what it all adds up to in the end. I only know that I have to keep on moving with the pain, moving and creating and working towards a greater good. There is only one way to go. I continue to carry the pain with a diligence and with an ache for it to end for once and for all. It never ends, there is no moment of respite. The closest moments to respite are those where I lose my sense of being for a moment because my spirit is fully invested in something else. These moments are few, they are like miniscule illusions that leave me with the prayer that maybe the day will come when I will find freedom from pain. For now, the freedom that I have is the freedom to act, the freedom to create. This is a freedom that I do not take for granted. This is what I drink, eat, dream, pray...that it all add up in the end, that the word get around, that pelvic pain be on the news, in the headlines, on the radio, in women's magazines...
I would like to see it happen in my life-time. I would like to know that I was part of the change. I want to witness the way we chose to liberate our deepest feminine selves. I want to see, feel, breath the change. Whether I will or will not is not for me to know. All I know is that I am driven to tell my story and I believe that this time my story will be heard. I will not die in isolation. I will live in pain and my life will my victory over ignorance, indifference and oppression.
Atara

Apparently I am learning something
Things are adding up
I understand this because I am beginning to grasp how much work I have ahead of me
This is a very good thing
I am devoted
I am committed
I just hope that my family members stay stable enough so that I can go on with my work

So, with the help of the short classes at New TV and the help from Ido I have got some focus and clarity and I know how to progress. I have a lot of transcribing to do and a lot of documentaries to watch. I have informed Abba that he is my apprentice and that we have a lot of work ahead of us. He, of course, complains about everything and anything that demands of him to part from his bed and to disentangle him from his devotion to Depression. He still has a good-enough brain thank god and if strategically courted he usually obliges to being helpful. Thank God because i would want to shoot myself in the head if I had to listen to and transcribe all the interviews, including myself, alone.

I have informed him that he will be joining me for three of the most basic classes at New TV: camera, audio and lighting. I hope that he won't make things too difficult with his typical resistance to anything that involves interacting with others. Now that Ima is on her way to Israel I feel an added responsibility to make sure that Abba function at least minimally. Taking him as my apprentice (we just laughed together when I informed him of his new position) may help us get through the next five weeks relatively unharmed. We should be okay. Hope I have.

So,

Happy Birthday
July 31st, 1974
You made it alive
Being pulled out of my cozy me into those sharp blazing lights and those strange noises was a terrifying shock
I was totally unprepared
There were no warnings

But, I like my Mom
So, I survived

And she clearly liked me
So,  I did okay

And then I met my Dad
And I liked him too
Especially his mustache

So, I figured that I will hang around

And, here I am

Still kickin (no kicking, absolutely no kicking for me, that is what got me in trouble in the first place with this PN mess)

Happy Birthday
Birthday Girl

I am here for you

Love,

Atara

legs spread open, knife each side, being holds ripped head high with hands upwards, head looking down horror at knives

do to

dark

light

white

black

do to

and wait


head in hands

hands hold head up high

hands dislodge head

head in horror

knives right

knives left

legs spread open

wide open

do to

do to

and wait


yes

can do

knife
each side
left
right
right
left
head in hands
looking down
horror
knives

do
what do to
to what do
do to what
want to do
do what want
do to

do to

found

do to

that is it

do to

do to

do to

wait

light vs. dark
the contrast
curl up into your arms
shield yourself
light
dark
only
you and them
left to express
what the remains are

where there is no other color
black white
dark light
white black
light dark

separate

then

wait

until

it

happens

and witness

it