Hey there

I spent the day at Crystal Lake. In the water! All day! On days like today I want to tell all people that are suffering from horrible pain that it can get better. The water was delicious, as was the sun. I know how I will be spending the rest of my summer.

I also created a piece of expressive art work that looks like another version of  'the scream'. The more I live the easier it becomes to dive into the dungeon of hell and speak from there. Though, still, I live with the fear of what I know, always. It is ever-present in every moment. The memory of the relentless months of torture walks beside me. I am trying to give it its voice so that it won't haunt me and hunt me down. It needs to come out from the closet, from the chains, from the chamber. Is it me? Or is it a monster? Is it the beast or is it the camel?

Whatever it is, it is sedated with drugs. But I know, that take away the pills that I swallow every few hours and once again I will be in the corner wishing I was dying, fast. So, who am I? Does anyone have insight into this question? Who am I if I know that I became pain? Am I enlightened because I know that I am nothing? That my default is self-torture? Or am I everything because I know that I am the pills that I swallow and everything and everyone that went into creating them? I can tell you that I know the meaning of the 'inter-dependence' of all beings. "I" am dependent. And "I" change according to the pain I experience.

I never forget.
I know scattered.
I know shattered.

I never forget.
I am no wiser for this.
The waters are no sweeter for this.
I am just grateful that I don't suffer the way that I used to.

Grateful that the lake is to swim in.
Not to die in.

So, thank you for another day of life.
Another day holding the monster by its leash, tying it to the tree, watching it while I swim and float. Another day walking side by side a tamed monster, hoping that it will stay sedated as I enjoy the water.

We could only go together. Either way, it is together. Nowadays I am stronger then the monster so I lead the way into life.

Die beast die.
But the beast won't die.
I hold it by its horns.
This is the way I live.
Always holding it by its horns.

You can imagine how exhausting it is.

You can imagine how liberating it was to be in the water, for hours. My body was happy today. And when my body is happy I live.

I pray for us all to live more and more, to be free, free, free of pain.
Amen, amen, amen.

Love,
Atara