More honesty?

More honesty?
It is my blog so i guess that i can self-indulge

my father had a severe panic attack this morning
which freaked me out
and later started a flood of crying on my part
the terror and pain of losing him the way that i almost did
never goes away

pops, i love you
pops, i hope that i am a good daughter to you
pops i am so so sorry that you suffer so much

pops i need you

if you give up
i will drown

love to you all
i wish that i could spread love like sparkles

i am still three
i believe in feathers
and sparkles
and shells

and in my father
when i was three i could fall asleep on his chest

and there was no better place to be

when abba came home today from all his medical appointments i sat with him on the sofa and rested my head on his chest.

He is still here. And it still feels like the right place to be. Only today, i know that abba can dissappear and that is very very scary.

Angels, angels by our side
come
don't hide
angels, angels by our side

tomorrow will be a better day

maybe abba will sleep tonight