Again it is the tears

There is something so lonely about living in my body

The tears

I so much want to celebrate the progress that I have made

I have none to celebrate with

My body wants to feel a man so deeply

As does my spirit

What I feel is violation

All the pain from India and from the army erupted outward

And I realize that I want some help, again, in managing the anger that I have collected along my way, inhabiting my woman's body

The memories from India came storming through and the fear, the terror and the anger made me feel that I no longer want to be embodied

I cried, and this scared my parents

Smoking pot did nothing good for me this time

So much pain came upwards and it was too much for me to bear

Watching porn, abusive, demeaning and frightening

left me feeling so vulnerable

And learning that so many men masturbate to this made me feel sick and hopeless

My sexuality is playful and light and eager and passionate

It is not violent or controlling or mechanical

And its song does not sing for money

In India
my soul was raped
my body was saved

I yelled and yelled and somehow kept them at bay

And then I lay curled in a ball

My female body so much wants to be touched and to be loved by a man

And my soul is weepy and tired from wanting

From not finding what my body begs for

I want to celebrate and here the tears spill

What a strange one i am, writing to my blog the deepest intimacies, sharing the most sacred secret parts of myself

What I want is to celebrate that my body has healed to this point

Where a man can enter me, where I can share the joy of knowing and feeling that I can make love to a man, that my vagina can open itself to a man...

And what I find are tears and tears and more tears

Because once again, I feel their hands grabbing at me, their cold hearted hearts circling me

I am their bait,....

What i want is to love and to share

And what I find is emotional pain instead of joy and celebration

I find more and more emotional pain and loss

I have none to share my joy with