Tomorrow I will be going to Walden Pond with a very dear soul and another dear soul. I don't know anything about Thoreau. Well that is not true. I already know a lot about him because two souls that are dear to me feel deeply about him. So, i don't mind at all hearing what they liked about him. It will be a communion of souls, with Thoreau's soul enveloping us at the pond that he loved.

It could be a lovely day, maybe sunny, maybe cloudy and rainy and cold. But, maybe sunny. Even a cloudy and rainy day can be a nice day. On a cloudy day I have the perfect excuse for just staying in bed and reading. As long as I am reading, my mother does not scold me for staying in bed. Instead I get smiled at and my privacy is protected, mostly. My younger brother likes to pop in to ask me if I like the book. And then a minute later he comes in to give me an article he wants me to read, and then he pops in again to ask me if I am still enjoying the book. I can only guess that seeing me read is comforting to them. They want me to read. A few weeks ago I got scolded by my mom and my brother for not reading enough.

 As a child I gobbled up books. Book after book after book. Oftentimes the world of the book that i was inhabiting was more real for me then the one I lived in. I felt characters deeply and seemed to know their inside lives like my own. I was especially involved in reading books about the Holocaust and I dreamt myself to be a survivor and then a fighter in the land of Palestine. Her name was Karen. We were one and the same.

It is true that when I read I am less prone to fall into depressions. The reading gives me some peace of mind. Maybe seeing me read brings my family back to the security of my childhood when it was normal and healthy to find me reading in my bed. On a rainy day what could me more pleasant then to snuggle up to a warm blanket and a good book. Maybe it is because they think that I have too many gaps in my knowledge because once I left to Israel my life was full of so much that reading became a thing of the past. Reading in Hebrew was never as delicious as reading in English and my own life in Israel was so juicy and alive that I did not need to dream other people's lives. Being back at home and living with my pain level under control means that I once again can return and am expected to return to the essential art of reading.

So, tomorrow may be a sunny day or a rainy day and I am on 200mg of Lyrica and 120mg of Cymbalta and I can get dressed and ride in a car and go to the pond with two dear souls and watch them get to know each other and enjoy being with them. They both almost lost me from their lives a year, a bit over a year ago. They both got slammed in the face with something that reached down to their roots and shook the ground till their roots almost parted from the ground.
And I am still here, for better or for worse, till death do us part. That is, forever, Lyrica, Cymbalta and me.

1. the bed, the depression
2. the bed with a book=totally different scenario
3. their conclusion is right

1. I am still here, me and my soul, still devoted to my soul and body, we are one
2. There is always the knowledge and the fear in the back of my mind that without my meds. I would not survive. I remind myself that it is okay that I am on meds, that they won't be taken away from me, that if I need them for the rest of my life I will do all that I can to have them.
3.This thought process connects me back to the feeling of control which was lost completely once the pain took over my mind and my body. The memory seizes me back into terror. I quickly retrieve my self by reminding myself that that is over, that today I am here and that today I have control and that I know what I need to do in order to control it. Nowadays this is enough to watch the terror recede back into what I know is a memory, something that will remain a memory, only.

1. My memory, yes I have been traumatized. Yes, I still feel pain all the time. It is very hard to inhabit a body that is in pain. Sometimes it is not so hard. I love those moments, those markers of my destiny...
2. I don't live in books the way that I used to. I tried to become the characters that I admired and loved. They influenced me deeply. Today, I learn from them. I take their wisdom and I reap it, there is always more, there is always enough for whoever seeks it. So, I hold my arms wide open and with a warmth and a passion I hug it all, very close to my heart. Wisdom is always very close to the heart. It needn't be searched far and wide, only as far and wide as our arms can go when hugging another to our souls.
3. I take the honey/wisdom and I share it with others, like honey to their lips they drink, and my eyes are anointed  with the light of salvation and I praise the One and Only force that I believe in for having given me another glimpse of its glory.
4. Your words are sweeter then honey, I am humbled by your beauty. You are with me just for a fleeting moment, because underneath your wing there is another bird whose wing has broken, and I can see how you go swiftly, and carry my word to the Goddess of healing. And I thank you. I thank you for connecting me to your powerful force and I pray to be taken as your servant for the rest of my existence. For with your presence I am healed, even if just for a moment.