fem-in-an-ity

damn this disease that makes me write fragmented forms of feminine

thinking of a title for this blog

if I ever print it into book form, it needs a title

what kind of title am I going to find

all I can think of is female fragments

damn this disease, stomp it out

any ideas from anyone out there?

I am starting to feel like an idiot, an inane idiot with all these fragmented

Fragmented females

Woman fragments

Fragments of an as-if woman

the as-if woman

Or maybe,

Fragments of a Woman

How is that for a title?

Fragments of a Woman

fem-in-ine in f-rag-me-ents

fem-in-in-in in-ane f-rag-me-mend-less

fem-in-in-in f-rag-mend-less

or just

feminine fragments

fem-in-ine in fragments

fem-in-in in in-ane fragments

Fem in in in frag ment s

suffering spiritual

spiritual suffering

can these two words go together?

can I suffer in a spiritual way?

can I accept suffering as a part of a spiritual path?

can suffering be a guide and a teacher?

or is suffering only crushing and disabling and horrible?

I am trying to understand this

trying to accept this

somehow

in a spiritual way

what else is there to hold onto if not this?

I am raising money for the angel workshop

250 is my goal for now

with 250 I will be able to buy the material for three or four workshops for ten women

I am forging a path while in bed

seeking the lit spaces in this dizzying darkness

I am not alone, that is for sure

I am not lonely,

sometimes I feel hurt by and angry at friends that do not suffer from pain and disability for they judge me wrongly

but I reach out to other women who suffer like me, who live on the edge like me and who create meaning by caring for and connecting to others

I live on the edge with other women who live on the edge too and my own fight is completely entwined with theirs

I see the spiritual everywhere

it was at the lake yesterday, on the waters, with the swans,

and we took pictures

I have an artist by my side now

Now, in these hard and troubled times he creates art with me and helps me heal my story

even in these times, I can see blessings all around me

So, God, why, what is it for?

Are you trying to help us grow?

Why do you challenge us this way?


And how I continue to seek You always in me

I am being massacred
My female is being massacred
My female is being tormented and tortured

Why am I not being allowed to live as a female, to have children like a female, to love like a female, to be a woman

Female fragments
left of me, fragments
after the battle
what remains
fragmented female
lacerated

frag mented
frag mented
frag mended female
fem ale

fem in in ity
fem in in fragments

fem in in frag ments

frag me nts

I am fragmented

Fragments

being killed

alive, endlessly

each time I get up

I decided to get off of Cymbalta. I want to find a pain med. that I will be able to sleep on. I hate the way my brain feels on Cymbalta. This means going back into the land of the devil, back into nerve pain that makes me sob and makes me want to be dead. I am tired of this pathetic disabled life that I am left with. Tired of fighting my way through each day. I don't understand why I am being massacred, why I am being torn apart through my vagina. I want to be a woman.

Frag mented Female