Sunday, January 13, 2013





I have a dream

And this dream will come true

I have a dream

And this dream will come true

I have a dream

And this dream will come true

In this country

On this land

In this language

With this heart, here,

It will come true
I can see the day
I have the vision
I can see the dream
It is my dream
It is our dream

I can see pain clinics sprouting all around the country

I can see my friends saying to me " I am sorry for your pain."

I can see my doctors looking into my eyes with compassion, saying "I can see. I can feel your suffering. We will work together to get you out of suffering."

I can see myself  reaching out to my doctor saying "Thank you. Thank you for seeing me."

I can envision this.

I can dream this.

I have seen this.

I can see pain clinics sprouting all around America.

I can see new and inspired research.

I can see funding and hope and inspiration and talent and growth.

I can see myself walking out of pain and suffering and into hope and gratitude.

I can share this dream with you.

Today I can share this dream with you.

Today I can share this dream with all of you.

Friday, January 11, 2013




I will Shout until I will be heard
I will share it all
Even if you have chosen to close it, to roll it up and push it to the corner of the closet

You must hate me for this
For making you look at everything that you have tucked away so neatly underneath the boards of this floor

This very floor that we all stand on together
this very body that we all inhabit together

Oh, how you ignore me
How your silence speaks
of everything that you have crushed and shoved into glass bottles
They sink those bottles, don't they

They sink

Until I come along and sing them into being
Until I come along and speak them into existence
Until I come along and watch how you ignore me

I cannot pretend that I do not feel hurt
I do
I will cry
Until I will be heard
Oh. You. Yes. You. My so called Friends.
Oh. You. Yes. You.
Oh. How you Shy Away me from me Now.
Does my Voice make you shiver
So that you prefer to not hear it
Does my voice embarrass you
Do you feel shame
Oh how you hide
Who are you hiding from

Are you hiding from
me
No, it is not from me that you hide
But from your self

In me you see the self that you are terrified of showing
the self that you keep stifled
muffled
cornered up inside of you

So, I can walk away from your silence
Free

Thursday, January 10, 2013



It is time for sleep and time to do my physical therapy exercises to strengthen my lower back. All this lying on my stomach and typing away on the computer is not any good for my lower back or for my neck.

Been working on my documentary. Getting the hang of final cut pro. I hope that I can get some good footage through skype. It is worth a try. Can't write here about my family, just too personal...

Well, after all this is a public diary. It might be full of pubic hair but it is still public. Decided to buy a black lace shirt on-line. Not feeling particularly sexy or sexual though I do miss those feelings. PN kind-of kills all of that though I still have a pretty vibrant (albeit repressed) libido. American men don't compare to Israeli men in their sex appeal. So much for Israeli men, most of them are on the other side of my universe, a long and penetrating nightmare away, my worst enemy, the airplane keeps me oceans away from where my sex-appeal is buried. Black men are pretty damn hot too. It is the way that they look at me, they remind me that I am still a mighty fine sexual creature. American men just don't have it in their eyes. They might be masturbating to porn all day, they might be just as horny as the rest of them but they just don't hit that mark of sexiness that turns me into a wild-cat. I guess that all the sexy black lace tops that I was looking at have gotten the best of my libido.

Oh yeah, I have a confession to make. There are Israeli men here too and I just might have the hots...but my life ...

Never mind, repression of libido begin now, thank you....so, I also bought sparkly eye-liner, yes i did, three different colors, i went all out on the sparkles. They have not arrived yet but they have shipped and I look forward to those days when I feel good and when I just want to sparkle and think for an evening or for an afternoon that nothing ever changed, that it is just me, the way I was, the way it all was before any of this happened.

The art-club that I got into due to having suffered from severe depression is a good place for me. Most of the people are suffering from pretty severe mental illness. I was worried that I would feel more depressed there but I don't. I appreciate having a place to do my art. I get to work for free, supplies for free...and this is a luxury that I can be grateful for and I am.

If this was my own personal diary I would be writing all about my family now but I just can't. I have been uploading my poetry onto youtube and have been getting some meaningful feedback from friends and from others that suffer from PN. It means a lot to me when a fellow PNer tells me that their hearts were touched and that they feel understood through my poetry. And it means a lot to me when my friends encourage me to continue expressing myself through poetry and theatre arts. After all, I did chose to be a Drama Therapist because all of this was in my blood from birth. The fact that now I have to rely on my strengths this way in order to survive and to create meaning in my life is a good thing. It means that I have these strengths to rely on and for that I am grateful.

The night before last I was up all night due to the electrocutions. Last night aside from nightmares I slept well. And we will see what tonight will bring. It is possible that the 40mg of Cymbalta are running out of steam and that I will have to go up to 60mg. As long as I will continue to be able to sleep I will be thankful. But once the Cymbalta starts tampering with my sleep...

These three tears are for you
Brother,
we have cloaked ourselves and each other in forgiveness
Soon, you will be in my arms again
and I will be there when your tears finally slip out of their harness
and slide into freedom
Brother, we have worked hard for each other
we have admitted our failures, our faults, our weaknesses
We have done all of this so that we could once again embrace each other
the way that we did when we were children
Forgiveness has welcomed us home
How I await your arrival
rest your weary head on my lap
let the tears race out now
i am here
i am here again
i am here with you brother
i am here again brother

with you

thank god

Wednesday, January 2, 2013




I went dancing and moved my pelvis all around. And I worked on my documentary. A good day. A good day. Thank God for a good day!