It is time for sleep and time to do my physical therapy exercises to strengthen my lower back. All this lying on my stomach and typing away on the computer is not any good for my lower back or for my neck.

Been working on my documentary. Getting the hang of final cut pro. I hope that I can get some good footage through skype. It is worth a try. Can't write here about my family, just too personal...

Well, after all this is a public diary. It might be full of pubic hair but it is still public. Decided to buy a black lace shirt on-line. Not feeling particularly sexy or sexual though I do miss those feelings. PN kind-of kills all of that though I still have a pretty vibrant (albeit repressed) libido. American men don't compare to Israeli men in their sex appeal. So much for Israeli men, most of them are on the other side of my universe, a long and penetrating nightmare away, my worst enemy, the airplane keeps me oceans away from where my sex-appeal is buried. Black men are pretty damn hot too. It is the way that they look at me, they remind me that I am still a mighty fine sexual creature. American men just don't have it in their eyes. They might be masturbating to porn all day, they might be just as horny as the rest of them but they just don't hit that mark of sexiness that turns me into a wild-cat. I guess that all the sexy black lace tops that I was looking at have gotten the best of my libido.

Oh yeah, I have a confession to make. There are Israeli men here too and I just might have the hots...but my life ...

Never mind, repression of libido begin now, thank you....so, I also bought sparkly eye-liner, yes i did, three different colors, i went all out on the sparkles. They have not arrived yet but they have shipped and I look forward to those days when I feel good and when I just want to sparkle and think for an evening or for an afternoon that nothing ever changed, that it is just me, the way I was, the way it all was before any of this happened.

The art-club that I got into due to having suffered from severe depression is a good place for me. Most of the people are suffering from pretty severe mental illness. I was worried that I would feel more depressed there but I don't. I appreciate having a place to do my art. I get to work for free, supplies for free...and this is a luxury that I can be grateful for and I am.

If this was my own personal diary I would be writing all about my family now but I just can't. I have been uploading my poetry onto youtube and have been getting some meaningful feedback from friends and from others that suffer from PN. It means a lot to me when a fellow PNer tells me that their hearts were touched and that they feel understood through my poetry. And it means a lot to me when my friends encourage me to continue expressing myself through poetry and theatre arts. After all, I did chose to be a Drama Therapist because all of this was in my blood from birth. The fact that now I have to rely on my strengths this way in order to survive and to create meaning in my life is a good thing. It means that I have these strengths to rely on and for that I am grateful.

The night before last I was up all night due to the electrocutions. Last night aside from nightmares I slept well. And we will see what tonight will bring. It is possible that the 40mg of Cymbalta are running out of steam and that I will have to go up to 60mg. As long as I will continue to be able to sleep I will be thankful. But once the Cymbalta starts tampering with my sleep...

These three tears are for you
Brother,
we have cloaked ourselves and each other in forgiveness
Soon, you will be in my arms again
and I will be there when your tears finally slip out of their harness
and slide into freedom
Brother, we have worked hard for each other
we have admitted our failures, our faults, our weaknesses
We have done all of this so that we could once again embrace each other
the way that we did when we were children
Forgiveness has welcomed us home
How I await your arrival
rest your weary head on my lap
let the tears race out now
i am here
i am here again
i am here with you brother
i am here again brother

with you

thank god