Since her arrival, I have been free of anxiety. Her calm and peace and her beauty have guided me. She came to tell me that my courage is remarkable. She came to tell me that moving was brave and bold and that my fear is normal and expected. I love her. I love her eyes. I see peace, compassion, gentleness, softness...I see myself in her. I see my own beauty through her.

Kindness. She is kind, so kind. She is generous, so generous. She is compassion, tender and sweet and present. She is here for me. She is the first angel that I painted for myself.

I was suffering from anxiety every morning, feeling directionless....scared...My feet were hurting since the move....Suddenly I was far away from my parents, on my own...

In the mornings I felt like an amorphous blob of anxiety...until she came through...


And she came through too....and another one which I haven't finished or photographed yet...

An angel of Courage to remind me that I am okay, that it took courage to move and that I will find my way here....An angel of gratitude to remind me to always ground myself in gratitude. Gratitude helps me cope with anxiety. It centers me and gives me the focus to see the blessings in my life. The blessings are my stepping stones. They guide me. So gratitude guides and grounds me and there is always room for more gratitude. Always.

The third messenger that came through is an Angel of Play. Oh and her message is so very beautiful. The message that came through her was 'You are safe. Remember to play.' I haven't stamped it on her yet and I have found a message that I love even more through a new friend of mine. Lately I have been connecting to women that have pudendal neuralgia from mesh. Their desperation is like ours. They are suicidal like so many of us have been and still are. (I continue to get incredible relief from pain from Nortriptyline) These new connections are meaningful to me. I want to include their names in my artwork. That is something that I am visualizing and it makes me happy. I would like to incorporate the names of women (and men) that want to be a part of my healing through art. Bringing their names into my artwork excites me. I feel excited now. It is such a nice feeling after so many weeks of stress. Excited. Inspired. Curious. Hopeful. Playful. Open, Receptive. Creative. Sexual?

I would love for my sexuality to be awakened too. I miss that vitality. Connecting to myself as a sexual being is an effort since PN. But my creativity and my sexuality are bound in each other. Naomi Wolf in her book Vagina writes all about the link between sexuality and creativity. I feel like I have been de-sexed almost. I used to be so naturally sensual and so naturally sexual. I don't really feel myself as a sexual being anymore.

I can have sex and I can very much enjoy sex. Even so, that part of me has gone away...I would like to call it back, to invite it to reside with me. I know that it is an important part of my creativity and it is a part of me that wants to express itself....but it just isn't here, not anything near the way it was before PN. Is it a part of myself that is still salvageable? Or is it a part that I can live happily without? I don't know. I want to explore. I want to remain open and curious. Maybe that is the best that I can do right now. Remain open. I thought that maybe I should make more of an effort...clothes and make-up. But I don't feel particularly inspired to present myself that way. I don't feel the need to be beautiful or sexy to the world. But I do miss that element of play. That brings us back to the third angel that I have yet to complete. And to the fox that I met. Play. Creative play, creative exploration and creative expression.

The quote that I discovered through a new friend is Rumi's :



It makes me happy. It makes me happy to allow myself to play, to explore, to learn...And I am also afraid, afraid of loving too much, of being hurt, of making choices that are wrong for me...I fall in love easily, too easily...usually I wake up a few months later asking myself 'That's the person you fell in love with? Wow, that was stupid of you Atara.' And then I am heart-broken and angry at myself for wasting my time, wasting my energy, But all of that was before PN. What feels like so many years ago, what feels like another lifetime, almost like someone else's life....

So, can I allow myself to remain open, receptive, sexual, creative,....without fear? I guess not. So, can I allow myself to remain open, receptive, sexual, creative and fearful too? I think so. And that is a fair place to start from. Fair to myself and fair to the foxes who I want to feed so that they will come and play with me. :)

I want to play!!! And one of the things that I want to play most is the guitar. If you'll take a look at the angels here you will see that one layer underneath their skin their are music notes. I really really really want to play the guitar. I have always really really really wanted to play the guitar.

Play the guitar.

Your excitement is healthy. Follow it.

Love,

Atara

My video of Dr. Assia Valovska on Pudendal Neuralgia

                             My video of Dr. Elizabeth Stewart on Vulvovaginal pain conditions.

I worked so hard to finish these so that I could leave Newton and find refuge from the leaf blowers. One day my work will be embraced, understood and appreciated by many. Today I am grateful for my peace and for my quiet. What I yearn for most is to be able to create my art in peace and quiet.

A fox. I've seen a fox today. I've never seen a fox before. I saw a fox today. I have never seen a fox before. He came so close to me. I felt a little fear. I saw a fox today. I've never seen a fox before. He looked into my eyes. He stayed with me. I saw a fox today. I have never seen a fox before. I saw a fox today. He looked so sweet to me. With dark brown legs and a bushy tail. He came to be with me. He sat across from you. I bent into the sand. He was beside me.

I remembered Siabonga. I remembered his blue eyes and his long nose. They used to say that he looked like a fox. And now i see, He really does to me.

I saw a fox today. I saw a fox today.

All of what I wrote above is to be sung. I sang this to the fox. He stayed with me until it got too cold for me. I asked him to come to meet me again.

Where do you sleep? What do you hunt? Do you have a mother or a brother? How do you survive the winters here? Come again to visit me sweet fox. Come again to visit me sweet fox.

Fox: wonder, new beginnings, joy, nature, love, courage

Fox: Courage

I was scared a little but I breathed deeply.

Fox: Courage to explore new beginnings.

Fox: Natures healing power

Fox: Medicine woman

Fox: Connection

Fox: Gift

Fox: daring to try something new

Fox: Initiation

The fox is an initiation into the healing powers of nature.

Fox: Survival.

Fox: Hunter

Fox: Guidance for the Deep Feminine

The Fox has come to initiate me into a deeper and more powerful...

It is hear to teach me something

to help me, to support me as i go deeper and deeper into the female psyche

I will be meeting more and more forms of suffering, i will be called upon to offer deeper collective feminine healing

I will need the support. Fox came to tell me that I am supported, that my courage will ...

"Go deeper. Breath through the fear. Stay in this moment. Witness. Gather the medicine. Return when you are ready for more."

This is the pathway where I met the fox. And fell deeply in love.

This is an explanation of where we are in our campaign to get all forms of CPP into the medical school curriculum and into the continuing education curricula. Right now I am focusing my efforts on Pudendal Neuralgia and Pervasive Genital Arousal Disorder because ACOG does not have guidelines or educational objectives for these conditions.

Who and what is ACOG?

ACOG stands for the American Congress of Obstericians and Gynecologists. ACOG determines what goes into the medical school curricula and into the continuing education curricula. ACOG creates the guidelines and the educational objectives for gynecology and obstetrics.

What are guidelines?

According to wikipedia:
Guidelines aim to present all the relevant evidence on a particular clinical issue in order to help physicians to weigh the benefits and risks of a particular diagnostic or therapeutic procedure. They should be helpful in everyday clinical medical decision-making.

The fact that ACOG does not have guidelines or educational objectives for PN and PGAD is shameful. This is how I feel:

My life was burnt to hell because of ignorance and indifference.

What do I do in order to cope with my own rage? I work hard to change the things that I know must be changed. I believe that I will succeed in creating what should have been in place for me but was not.

Guidelines and Educational Objectives are only the first step. New curricula has to be created and taught.

This brings us to our letter-writing campaign. On our facebook groups I have been posting about writing letters describing our suffering and pain and our desperate and endless search for diagnosis and treatment. We are sending these letters to three different people within ACOG.

Dr. Sandra Carson is the vice president of ACOG's department. Dr. Chris Zahn chairs the 'practice activity' division. Dr. Hal Lawrence is the executive director of ACOG.

We are sending our letters to Dr. Carson, Dr. Zahn and Dr. Lawrence. I have spoken with Dr. Carson a number of times. She has been kind and generous with her time. I do believe that Dr. Carson wants to help us. I have not spoken to Dr. Zahn or to Dr. Lawrence yet.

In our last conversation Dr. Carson urged me to send her peer-reviewed articles and names of experts that have researched and published on PN and PGAD. She wants to be able to recommend these doctors as consultants to the education committee. With their help the education committee will write educational objectives and curricula for PN and PGAD.

Dr. Chris Zahn is in charge of creating guidelines. Guidelines and education objectives can be created simultaneously.The urgency of our situation is that ACOG is writing a new edition of its educational objectives which it intends on having ready by January. We have a small window of time in which to work hard and fast. Every additional letter counts.

You have to believe me when I say that:

Your story very very much matters.

Liat.

This is my favorite angel. If I could only take one angel with me, she would be the one. For me, she is the soul of it all. I love her. After I painted her I realized that she was my dear friend, Liat. I didn't paint any of my angels with someone in particular in mind. I let them discover me. It was when she was all complete and looking into my eyes that I realized that she was Liat!

Liat never left my side. Her message to me was consistent, constant and clear. I had lost all sense of value and worth in my own eyes. If I could not be of any use in this world, than I was useless. The logic was simple. The suffering was immense. The pain-torture was beyond comprehensible. I had become a pain-entity.

Liati was the voice of deep and committed friendship. She was the voice of truth and essence. If I knew for certain that every living being had an intrinsic value than how could I exclude myself from this truth? With liati close by I couldn't. Daily she pulled me back into my inherent value, daily she visited me in the pits of despair, terror, grief...Daily she showed me what true friendship is, what profound love and commitment is made of.

Liati's voice calmed me down. She was soft and focused and she wasn't afraid of being with me in the pits of despair and agony. She believed in me and she believed in our love for each other.

I think that I want my next body of work to focus on friendship. I am not finding the words to explain how much Liat helped me. Maybe my artwork will speak for me.

I just got off of the phone with Dr. Sandra Carson. Dr Sandra Carson is the vice president of the education department of ACOG, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. This is our third conversation. She told me that she has been reading my blog.

Dr. Carson requested that I send her:

1.  Peer-reviewed references about Pudendal Neuralgia and other causes of pelvic pain.

2. Names of experts that have researched and published on these topics. She wants the CV's of these doctors so that she can recommend them as consultants to their committee.

Dr Carson will present all of this research and information to the Education Committee. The Education Committee will write the educational objectives.

I asked her what the difference is between Guidelines and Educational Objectives. As of now there are NO guidelines or educational objects regarding Pudendal Neuralgia and Pervasive Genital Arousal Disorder. In other words our conditions DO NOT EVEN EXIST as names of conditions let alone diagnosis or treatment.

How does this happen? I am not blaming Dr. Carson or Dr. Lawrence or Dr. Zahn. This isn't their fault. In fact I believe that they are the ones that will bring this very necessary change into gynecology.

What I am saying is this: God bless you for being here to help us. God bless you for hearing our voices. Goddess bless you for working to put an end to this suffering. Goddess bless you for hearing our stories with compassion in your heart and determination in your actions.

I have to believe that we will bring this change.

Otherwise, what good would all of my suffering have been for? Until my last breath on this earth I will believe that my suffering was meant to serve a higher purpose.

Otherwise I might as well be swallowed up by my own rage at the injustice.

So, as usual, I have a lot of work to do.

A lot of networking.

And that is okay because I enjoy networking. I enjoy bringing people together to serve a higher goal. In fact it brings me great joy to be a part of such endeavors.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the fundraising auction that I participated in. And I feel so blessed to have met Angela Kennedy. Her art inspires me deeply and buying her artwork fills me with joy!

So my spirit is doing well.

I raised awareness for three days at the disability exposition. There I met Casey Cashman, executive director of the U.S Pain Foundation. And Natasha that developed CRPS. And Christina and her mom Leanne. And I preyed on young women and gave my shpeel over and over and yes, once again!

This is how my shpeel began: "Hello, (big friendly smile) can I introduce you to Project Angel?" Most people responded with a smile and a "Sure". I continued "Project Angel is a project that grew out my artwork. I painted 30 angels in order to raise awareness about the prevalence of chronic pelvic pain. Each angel represents one million of the 30 million American women and the significant but undocumented number of men that suffer from chronic pelvic/genital/sexual pain..."  Here are photos of a few of the very special people that I met.

With Casey Cashman, executive director of the U.S Pain Foundation and pain warrior. I felt so blessed to meet a fellow pain warrior and activist!

With Natasha and her Mom. They came all the way from New Jersey to attend the "abilities expo". Natasha is a pain warrior. She battles Complex Regional Pain Syndrome and she has the most beautiful smile!

Visiting Christina Powell at her booth. Christina is an incredible artist. Her work brings joy and peace to hospitals and pain clinics all over Boston. 

So much love and generosity of Spirit.

With the sweetest art therapy students ever. Their compassion flooded me with tears. I had to get a photo with them!

The petition is going well. Good things are happening. I am excited to be where I am now. I didn't know that I would be raising awareness for three days straight. I didn't know that I would be participating in a very successful auction with many artists, raising money for a woman that was recently assaulted. And that I would have so much fun and learn so much by taking part in it! I didn't know that I would meet Angela Kennedy and feel so inspired by her artwork and her generosity.

What I thought I knew is that I was exhausted, worn out, angry that I have to escape from Newton because the leaf blowers are on their way. Depressed that winter is on its way and that I had three days of feeling like fibromyalgia mush. 

So thank you! Thank you life! Thank you inspiration! Thank you art and love and friendship. Thank you generous generous spirit. I have to thank Angela Kennedy cuz I feel so grateful to her.

I feel happy!!!!

Love,

Atara

How do I give myself a break?

I have this sense of urgency about everything that I do. Editing in its own way is dreadful. Having to hear myself talk about the pain again and again is hard. I am tired of hearing and seeing and on some level re-living what I have survived. But I have to do it. I have to get the footage out. I know that it has to go out and I know that I have to work now.

Its just hard. Its hard to have PN constantly in front of me. My art helps keep me sane through this too. I get pockets of relief when I create and when my friends on facebook comment and interact with me through my art.

I want to give myself a break, to take myself out of this immersion. But I can't. I know how urgent it is. I know that I am lucky. I know that so many others are still in the dungeon of hell. I want to do everything that I can do that is within my power to reach them, to bring them hope, to bring them relief.

Once again, tears, tears, tears...it is good that they are spilling. I have felt so blocked, like I was just running from one thing to the next and that whatever I do is never going to be enough because I can't change the way things are. Accepting my limitations is hard. I feel like I am constantly diving into the deep end. I want to get my footage out but I want it to be the best that it can be when I set it free. Maybe accepting how hard this is for me is all that I need. Just to accept that this is really hard for me. The art gives me wings to fly into my own world. The video demands that I be present with PN over and over and over again. How many times can I hear myself talk about the suicide, the terror, the abandonment, the isolation....? How can I stop when I know that others are still trapped and chained to what I have been so lucky to have escaped from.

I want to take myself on a vacation. I want to give myself some beauty, some rest, some peace in nature. I want to give myself some breathing space, to explore, to take in, to stroll, to feel gratitude, to be surprised....I want an adventure. I promised myself that if I ever get out of the pain I would take myself out to nature. I would travel again. I would slip away into nature.

I want to do this for myself. I have to put clear goals and then I have to allow myself to step away. The feeling is this feeling of falling into a black hole. Like no matter how much I feed the black hole, it will never be enough. And if I stand over this black hole and feed it endlessly, I will be swallowed into it.

Find. Your. Balance.

Celebrate your achievements.

Slow down to the pace of a snail? What will happen?

I love snails.

I love shells on the sea-shore.

I am thinking of going to cape cod. To the beach. To the water. To me. Just me. Nature. Art. Breathe.

A piece of artwork that I made and sent to Dr. Sandra Carson.

I just got off of the phone with Dr. Sandra Carson from ACOG. Dr. Carson is the vice president of ACOG's education department. She told me that due to our conversation, chronic pain has been added to the list of educational objectives for the gynecologists and obstetricians in residency. This could mean a lot and it could mean nothing at all. At this point, I think, that what it means depends on us and our efforts to advocate and lobby for ourselves. She said that someone within ACOG will be assigned to work on building the curricula for the 'chronic pain' segment. I asked her if she could put me in contact with this person. I will have to inquire about this again soon. I asked her if she would like me to send her articles about the science of chronic pain and about pelvic pain. She said that I should send her a list of articles that have been published in peer-reviewed journals. She said that then they could contact the doctors to create the curricula. For starters, I will work on creating this list with Dr. Echenberg and with Dahri McFaline.

She recommended that we lobby the National Institutes of Health for more funding and research on pelvic pain. She said that we should direct our efforts to the National Institute of Child Health and Disease. The NICHD is one of the institutes within the NIH. It has the power to allocate money for research in pelvic pain. I asked her if she could put me in contact with someone from within the NICHD. She said that I should contact Dr. Spong.

Keeping my emotions out of this is hard. Dr. Carson was clearly oblivious to the magnitude of our plight. I have to work hard at controlling my anger and my frustration. I have to do this if I want to get anywhere.

I should consider it an accomplishment and a sign of god's grace that chronic pain was added as its own educational objective. But I know that this can mean nothing at all and that it meaning anything of significance depends entirely on my own efforts to advocate and to successfully build a movement that is dedicated to this mission.

I have the passion and I have the determination. I have to continue working towards our collective goal, believing in myself and in my fellow pain warriors.

Jill Osborne, president and founder of the IC-Network wrote a beautiful blog-post about my mission and my artwork. I am very grateful for this. All of our conditions have to be taught and understood together. Being embraced, supported and encouraged by Jill gives me tremendous faith. Our letter-writing campaign has begun. Tomorrow I speak with Sandra Carson. Sandra is ACOG's vice president of education. I have to believe that our stories, our truths, our suffering will be heard. I do believe it. I know that we will be heard. Because we will not abate until we are heard, completely and deeply and powerfully and fully heard. Until ACOG evolves and transforms into an organization that puts diagnosing and treating all forms of pelvic pain  into its top priorities. It will happen. We are going to make it happen.

Atara Schimmel's Stunning Angel Project Raises Awareness For Pelvic Pain -  Interstitial Cystitis Network 

				Atara Schimmel's Stunning Angel Project Raises Awareness... Atara Schimmel creates stunning art to help raise awareness for pelvic pain and pudendal nerve entrapment. Her Project Angel project was just honored by the City of...
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I am grateful for the support that I am receiving as I journey deeper and deeper into the heart of healing. I want to practice public speaking. I want to develop the courage to stand in front of hundreds and even thousands of people and to speak from my heart. I know that I will be heard. I know that I am being heard. I have to prepare myself for what is coming. I have to be prepared, prepared so that my impact will be great, so that the truth will be heard, so that suffering will be alleviated and justice will stand tall with pride and with honor. I owe this to myself, I owe this to myself first and then to everyone else.

It was generous of Nancy and of April to support my work by sharing my success with a wider audience. At the celebration I could see myself speaking about chronic pain. I could see it and it came easy, very easy. All I need is practice. I have everything else; the passion, the commitment, the dedication, the perseverance, the determination. The audience will come when I am ready.  

Newton artist Atara Schimmel wins ADA poster contest

				Newton artist Atara Schimmel wins ADA poster contest BOSTON - Newton artist Atara Schimmel has won this year's City of Boston Americans with Disabilities Act poster contest. Her piece, titled "We
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"Creating art has always been a way to channel emotional intensity...If you are an artist, you are your instrument. The greater access you maintain to yourself, the richer and broader your array of creative tools."
                                                                              -Cheryl Arutt

I remember that I wanted to post about the owl. Yesterday, I was standing outside at the front entrance. I was thinking about everything that has come together. I was feeling it with a sense of wonder and gratitude and suddenly I saw an owl among a few other lovely birds fly past me. I have never seen an owl fly past me before. It was so close.

Owl, what are you telling me? I think that you are telling me that I will succeed. I think that you came to celebrate this gathering of forces with me.You came like a vortex, to strengthen me. To encourage me. To tell me that I am strong and that I can do it. You came to tell me that you have faith in me.

Thank you for your message owl. Thank you.

I am going to paste here information about owl symbolism and meaning that I connect to.

'It represents something that is not easily found but through a struggle and great search.'

I want to write a bit about the good things that are coming together now. It started like this. A few weeks ago a fellow pain warrior posted a photo onto my timeline. There they were, the angels, Project Angel and my name. I was pleasantly surprised. Wendy Evered, a fellow activist and pain warrior wrote about Project Angel for the magazine PainPathways. I was excited and immediately thought that I would love to contribute my story and more of my art to the magazine. So, I called PainPathways and sent them some of my poetry, my six page story about surviving PN and I invited them to take a look at my website. Last week, Amy North, editor of PainPathways called me to tell me that they would like to publish my 'Faces of PN' on the Inspiration Page of the Sept. issue. Amy told me that September is Pain Awareness month and that it is also IC Awareness month. She didn't know if September had officially become Chronic Pelvic Pain Awareness month but she knew that there were CPP advocates that were trying to make that happen. Amy asked me to put together a resource list for people with CPP that would be put alongside my art. But it was more than that. She asked me to write a group e-mail to my resource list explaining that I was partnering with PainPathways to raise awareness about CPP and that I wanted to put them down as a resource.

And that is how my love affair began. I called the IC Network. Jill Osborne, founder and president of the IC Network answered the phone herself. This was a pleasant surprise. I told Jill about my partnership with PainPathways and that I would like to put the IC Network as a resource. I asked Jill if she knew if Sept. had officially been declared CPP awareness month. Once again I was pleasantly surprised when Jill told me that she was the one that was pushing hard to make this happen! When she told me that, I knew that I had reached the right place! I love when people get that it is about all of us together.

I was happy! Then I got even happier when Dr. Echenberg's name came up. I mentioned to Jill that I had created a short video of Dr. Echenberg and she immediately knew what video I was talking about. She had seen it! Then I mentioned Project Angel and Jill was very excited to discover that I was me :) She had been to my website a few weeks ago and loved the angels and their mission.
I was moved by her enthusiasm. She was genuinely excited to know that she was talking to me.

Now, you ask why all of this is so meaningful for me. Well, in the beginning I was sure that I had endometriosis. After the laparoscopy that came out clear I was sure that I had IC. I was already scheduled to have bladder installations. Last minute, I decided to have a hydrodistention. That was clear too. That is when I diagnosed myself with what I was really suffering from, PN. I had read about Jill and how IC happened to her. I was in profound suffering and grief but reading her story and seeing that she was leading a meaningful and inspired life despite IC gave me hope.

Jill asked me if she could write an article about me and about Project Angel for the IC magazine. She said that what I am doing can inspire other women. So there I was being asked by one of my hero's if she could write an article about me. Humbled, honored and excited. I felt that something beautiful and powerful had come full circle for me.

Then I called the National Vulvodynia Association. I spoke to Lisa Goldstein, executive director of the NVA. I told Lisa about PainPathways and that I would like to list the NVA as a resource. We spoke for a long time and at some point we started talking about the lack of education on CPP in medical school. This brought us to The American College of Obgyn (also known as ACOG).

 I have known for a very long time that someday somehow we (theCPP community) were going to have to reach them. I had no idea how this would happen. Dr. Stewart had talked about them in her interview when I asked what we (all of us survivors) could do to get CPP into the medical school curriculum. I think that she said that we could write letters to ACOG. It has been a long time since I watched the video. It has been ready for months but I have been waiting for Dr. Stewart to finish her website so that I could include it in the video.

Lisa Goldstein explained to me that we should find out what material ACOG does have about CPP so that we can know exactly what we want to ask for. She told me to speak with Katelin Phelps from ACOG. Katelin staffs the committee of The Dep't of Gynecologic Practice. I called ACOG and asked for her. I was angry and I immediately 'attacked her' with the devastating and enraging truth. How could this be happening? How can it be that millions of us are being told that we are crazy by gynecologists...that gynecologists are graduating med-school without ever having heard of PN, V, IC, PGAD...I was angry, very angry and she hung up on me.

I am planning to call her to apologize. It isn't her fault. But I couldn't see her. I just saw how ACOG was failing us miserably. I saw the thousands of gynecologists that were kicking us out of their offices with the 'its in your head'....I saw my suffering, our suffering....and the rage of all of that...is something that I will have to work harder at curbing.

I think that it is the rage that kept me from reaching this point sooner. But it is also the rage that fuels my passion and my drive and that has brought me to where we are today.

We are here. Jill Osborne, Lisa Goldstein, Dahri McFaline, Dr. Echenberg, Pat Onorato, Amy North, Katherine Clement and many many more. They all have so much experience and I am learning from them. They are helping me control my anger. They are teaching me. I am grateful to be in their company. Grateful that we have all made it here together. Grateful that together our voices will be heard!!!

Yes, I believe it.

Love,

Atara

And I bought my own domain. I am now officially ataraschimmel.com.

Progress is pretty.

Choose Hope

Lady of the day. Yesterday was an anxiety-ridden day. Today, I am going to actively choose hope rather than trepidation. I am scared of the sensitivity that I have to noise. I recently learnt that there is a chronic pain condition called Hyperacusis. 

My sensitivity to sound/noise seems to be increasing. I find myself covering my ears often when I walk. The sound of trucks and traffic make me want to dissappear into the desert. My ears are ringing. Even the sound of my computer while I write this feels invasive. 

My art saves me every day. Somehow, it gives me hope that there still is a place for me in this world. I come from a world where nature, not machines reign. That is the world that my body evolved from and within. And here I am today, in this 'modern' world that is made of loud and obnoxious machinery. Leaf-blowers. 

How do I choose hope when I fear that I cannot survive in this world? How do I choose hope when my body unravels daily? How do I choose hope in an active way TODAY.

My lady came to being with a very clear message. Today I can choose hope and today I will choose hope. Not by denying the fear but by embracing hopefulness. Hopefullness that my body will heal. Hopefullness that I will create and am creating a life of value and meaning. Hopefullness that I will be able to protect my body from harmful sounds. My lady helped me yesterday. 

I will protect myself from loud and invasive sounds. I will protect myself from loud and invasive sounds. I will protect you from loud and invasive sounds.

I need to protect myself from loud and invasive sounds. They are unnatural and they are dangerous. All of my senses and my body evolved over millions of years from nature. I honor that. My body is not a machine. It is sensitive and soft-spoken. 

I understand. The question is how do I successfully protect myself when everywhere I turn there is machinery, cars, trucks, planes overhead...?

I need a plan. 

Here is dear Dr. Echenberg!

It took a lot of work to get this video out. I was stubborn and persistent and only sent it out to the world once I felt that I did everything that I could do to make it the best possible. I got help from Michael, Steve and Andy and I have every intention of celebrating with them the birth of this little and mega-important video. I will continue sending it out to wider audiences through facebook and other channels. 

It was exciting to share my work with others. It feels good to know that I am reaching people. I am very grateful for NewTV, for the help that I get there and the opportunity I have to learn and to grow. I sure need a lot of that to gain some plasticity in my brain. I am working hard at winning back all of that dead white matter. 

Speaking of white, the snow is killing me. Even my PN pain has been sharper these past few days. I wonder if it is from all of the awkward ways that I position my body when I am painting/stamping/rubbing/scraping...the real things that doing my art means nowadays. My bedroom has turned into a studio. In other words I have given in to the mess, the constant chaos of supplies and papers and ideas in process everywhere.

One of my abstract paintings will be hanging at City Hall. I have to trudge through the castles of snow to deliver my piece tomorrow.

My art keeps me sane. It keeps me from sinking into the bottomless pit of depression and self-blame. I sometimes fall into the trap of blaming myself. Blaming myself for all the travelling I did in my younger years and the morbid diseases that my body was subjected to. Today for  the first time I thought that it would be healing to create a piece of art on this matter. Maybe a piece of art that celebrates my travels, my bravery, my curiosity.... to remind myself that I am not to blame. That none of this is my fault. That it is within my power to transform my suffering into a collective Healing. That the day will come that I will say for certain that all of this happened so that I could be a voice for the voiceless. It is a coping mechanism that works for me at least some of the time. I have to believe that my life didn't just get shot to hell for nothing. I have to believe that there is a greater good to all of this. I have to believe that I can and will and am creating this greater good.

Introducing my ladies.

I will be painting 30 ladies. One lady for each million of the 30 million women that suffer from pelvic pain. That is what came through. I do feel a sense of relief in having this focus and this clarity. I have a set goal that I can enjoy working towards. I am happy that I listened to and followed my natural attractions. I allowed myself to explore Kelly Rae's Art from beginning till end and back again for the past month. Her art has helped me get through the snow-storms and the horrible fibromyalgia symptoms of pain and deep fatigue.

My ladies are coming through.

She reminds of me of Noam, my younger brother, when he was a toddler. I love her. She is kind and sweet and gentle. She is comforting to look at.

I have been delving into my art lately. I have a lot of gratitude to express to my facebook friends. Friends have been so supportive in encouraging my art. Their encouragement inspires me to create more, to be relentless in my search, to persist until I find what I am looking for. And what is coming up for me is 'LOVE'! Who would have thought and what a surprise, right?


Yes, I would like to meet a wonderful soul in a male body to love and to honor till death do us part. I will try to make some effort there. Being snowed in and fibromyalgia-d out doesn't pave the way. But I promised myself to listen to the callings, those little timid yet persistent tweets in my heart. I can hear you.


Then there is the greater love, the love that I want to devote my life to. Art and Healing and all of the people that want to join me on this forever journey. I thought that it could be nice to share my art here. I imagine that at some point my blog will reach a wider audience. I feel like I should be investing more energy into my blog but all of my inspiration and motivation is in creating art. That is something to be grateful for. I have found a new passion and direction through meeting Kelly Rae Robert's art and through taking her online class. She has added and encouraged A LOT of positivity into my art and with no guilt. I seem to have accepted the fact that I want to create positive and inspiring and healing art.


I am okay with this. It takes a load of pressure off of me. I want to do something for the animals and I just have to trust that when the time is right it will come through. For now, what has come through is a lot of positive and healing artwork. I can focus on my strengths and on my joys and I can share them and inspire others. So many of us need to be creative, to be colorful, to be invigorated by and with the truth that we are Creators, that we are moon-Goddesses, that we can create beautiful and meaningful lives that are whole, passionate and expansive even from our very own beds and rooms.


Facebook has opened up for me a community that I feel deeply connected to. I know that there is a world out there that is eager to connect and to inspire. We are hungry, maybe even starving for life, for connection, for meaning. Art holds so much potential for us. I want to help people realize this potential. As the community strengthens and encourages me I am full of gratitude and yearn to share with them my passion. Maybe more so than ever I can feel the 'healing artist' within me being called and called upon. I know that I can share and teach and I want to do so. I want to share my passion.


This blog deserves more attention from me. This blog deserves to be loved, honored and cared for by me. Maybe I will slowly but surely infuse it with my love.

My fibro. symptoms have been so @@$$##@#^ hard. Still fighting. Always fighting. I signed up for Kelly Rae Roberts on-line class. I will be teaching a multi-media painting class at Webster house. I really look forward to giving something back to Webster house. I love being there. Souls are everywhere and everyone is doing art. Broken souls are the most beautiful ones because you can see what is inside. I consider myself a broken soul. Even before PN.

I really like Kelly's art and I really admire her openness and her positivity. I feel that she is sharing with me important stepping stones. I think that it is time that I open my etsy store. It is also time to really get this blog looking good. Of course, I am tired, the fatigue and fibro. brain-fog are crushing. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I could complain forever. What is the point. I might as well try to be positive.

This friday I will be going to Cindy Steinberg's support group. I am looking forward to this. I feel honored and I appreciate that a lot. I know that Cindy wants me to feel honored and valued for what I do and that is kind. Kindness. Veganism. Teaching a class at Webster House. I think that that is going to be a real highlight for me because I love Webster House so much. I am excited to teach! I miss teaching and sharing.

I will be at Newton City Hall again for Newton Open Studios in April. My dream is to have a body of work about pigs, chickens and cows in the goddamn factory dungeons of hell. More and more I see through the exterior of society into the truth. And it such an ugly and violent and selfish truth. Kelly Rae Roberts is so positive in her blog. I can't stay positive for more than a sentence or two. :(

I participated in the Newton Shop and Stroll fair. There I was giving out pamphlets about factory 'farming'. Damn, that our world is so messed up that we can call something brutal and sadistic 'farming.' Kills me.

Another thing has been killing me lately. The Yazidi women. Raped and Tortured and Brutalized by Isis. Those that escape and return to their people oftentimes deny being raped because they fear that they will be ostracized and rejected. I had to understand this so I researched it and found out that the Yazidi culture is just as fucked up as their surrounding Arab culture when it comes to the abuse of women and girls. In 2007 a beautiful 17 year old Yazidi girl named Kalil was killed in an 'honor killing.' I was so stupid and I watched the video. Just like Isis does today, her murderers recorded her killing and posted it all over youtube. It was sickening. And I am having flashbacks. Makes me feel so helpless and scared. Seeing how simple evil is. It is so simple. Never mind. I wish that I could erase it from my mind. I shouldn't have even written about it. Maybe I should give myself a challenge.

I challenge you to write only positive things in your blog. Nope, I can't. Being an empath and a broken soul leaves me very vulnerable. Kelly's art helps me. So does her attitude. But she like the rest of our culture is in love with her leather cowboy boots. Love Animals.

I love animals. Animals are the soul of my world. Thank you for the animals. Thank you for gentle animals. Thank you for the birds. Thank you for the deer. Thank you for the swan. Thank you for love. Thank you for positivity. I am not Kelly Rae Robert's (check out her art, it really is very lovely). I am me.

I hope that one day I will feel blessed again. One day I will. Some days I do. Just not when my body feels like its dying. That could kill positivity.

So, I have been suffering along with the Yazidi girls. Feeling helpless and vulnerable. Feeling how trapped they feel. Terrified. Wanting to make jewelry to sell to raise money for them.
I hate seeing the evil so clearly. Being innocent was easier. But PN blasted innocence out of me.

1. Disability fair with Pat and Mary.
2. Feminist club, Leslie College.
3. Vagina monologues, Leslie College.
4. Newton Open Studio, 2014
5. Alliance for Pelvic Pain, 2014
6. Newton Shop and Stroll art fair, 2014
7. Cindy Steinberg's support group, 2015 (looking forward, this friday)
8. Newton Open Studios, 2015 (looking forward, this April)

1. Facilitator of pelvic pain support group, 2 years.
2. Art and Healing workshop
3. Board member of Vulvodynia Matters, 2 years.

Keeping a record. Kelly Rae Robert keeps a record of all her stepping stones. Her website is built with so much wisdom. I would like to have a website for this Pudendal Neuralgia journey, something that others could engage in and 'enjoy.' Maybe one day I will. I will definitely need help in creating it.

Love,
Atara