How do I give myself a break?

I have this sense of urgency about everything that I do. Editing in its own way is dreadful. Having to hear myself talk about the pain again and again is hard. I am tired of hearing and seeing and on some level re-living what I have survived. But I have to do it. I have to get the footage out. I know that it has to go out and I know that I have to work now.

Its just hard. Its hard to have PN constantly in front of me. My art helps keep me sane through this too. I get pockets of relief when I create and when my friends on facebook comment and interact with me through my art.

I want to give myself a break, to take myself out of this immersion. But I can't. I know how urgent it is. I know that I am lucky. I know that so many others are still in the dungeon of hell. I want to do everything that I can do that is within my power to reach them, to bring them hope, to bring them relief.

Once again, tears, tears, tears...it is good that they are spilling. I have felt so blocked, like I was just running from one thing to the next and that whatever I do is never going to be enough because I can't change the way things are. Accepting my limitations is hard. I feel like I am constantly diving into the deep end. I want to get my footage out but I want it to be the best that it can be when I set it free. Maybe accepting how hard this is for me is all that I need. Just to accept that this is really hard for me. The art gives me wings to fly into my own world. The video demands that I be present with PN over and over and over again. How many times can I hear myself talk about the suicide, the terror, the abandonment, the isolation....? How can I stop when I know that others are still trapped and chained to what I have been so lucky to have escaped from.

I want to take myself on a vacation. I want to give myself some beauty, some rest, some peace in nature. I want to give myself some breathing space, to explore, to take in, to stroll, to feel gratitude, to be surprised....I want an adventure. I promised myself that if I ever get out of the pain I would take myself out to nature. I would travel again. I would slip away into nature.

I want to do this for myself. I have to put clear goals and then I have to allow myself to step away. The feeling is this feeling of falling into a black hole. Like no matter how much I feed the black hole, it will never be enough. And if I stand over this black hole and feed it endlessly, I will be swallowed into it.

Find. Your. Balance.

Celebrate your achievements.

Slow down to the pace of a snail? What will happen?

I love snails.

I love shells on the sea-shore.

I am thinking of going to cape cod. To the beach. To the water. To me. Just me. Nature. Art. Breathe.