Wednesday, July 2, 2014



White flowers, self-acceptance


Acceptance of myself, where I am right now in my life, in my body


I find it very hard to accept my self because I want a family and I do not have one


I want a baby


I want a man


I want a man that wants a baby with me


I want all of this and a lot of love


I want time with my baby and with the man that I love that will be the father of my baby


I want to meet a man that will feel blessed that I am his woman


I want to feel blessed that the man that I love is in my life and that we both want a child together.


So, how do I work on self-acceptance?


On accepting where I am in my life today.


Working through my art.


It has been intense, frustrating and mean.


I have felt that my art is as mediocre as mediocre can be.


That I have no particular talent for painting.


Persistence will be my key if I ever find my style and love my art.


I have been creating/painting all week only to destroy what I painted.


What have I learnt?


That when I put flowers onto the canvas I should think about the arrangement of the flowers.
I don't want them to look stacked up on top of each other, or be all the same size, or have no breathing room between each other. 


I want there to be a lot of leaves with different shades and values of green and yellow.


I need to think about how I create depth and also where the flowers are facing. If they are all facing the front, looking straight at me, the painting will look static.


Where I put the centre/darker dot will determine where the flower is facing.


I am still trying to figure out how I create depth.


So, I have been creating and destroying over and over on the very same canvas. It has been frustrating and disappointing. I felt like whatever I painted yielded nothing worthy of looking at.


That is sad. I was angry that I could not figure out how to create depth on my flowers and I was angry that none of my creations were singing to me.


I felt and thought that I am not a painter, that it would take years and years before anything worthwhile came out of me.


Sure, I painted PN. And that it important, for awareness. But what about being an artist just for the sake of being an artist. What about being able to create meaning and beauty and love and fulfillment?


I felt like all I boil down to is Pudendal Neuralgia. I felt that all I really am is a fucking pain syndrome, a post traumatic anxiety disorder, a drama-therapist with a license that isn't recognized here, a pain in the ass for my mother....


I could probably go on and on. I will in fact. I felt that I am not worthy of anything, that I have no intrinsic or essential value. The absolute ineptitude that I saw in my art was a cruel mirror for all of my negative thinking and self-doubt and anger at my situation and feeling of deep and profound frustration with where I am in life today.





















1 comment:

  1. I have seen your paintings. Your paintings are powerful, you have a lot of raw talent. You can already paint from your emotions--that is a gift! You need to develop it. Finding your voice takes time. Every artist has felt your frustrations at one time or another. Every painting you make will not be a masterpiece. Try not to pass judgement on yourself or compare yourself to other artists. Learn what you can from other artists, but keep working toward your own voice. You will find it if you keep painting. Don't destroy your paintings. After a couple of months of painting, put them all up on a wall somewhere and look at them, really look at them--you will see growth, you will see that you have learned things and made strides. But most of all, don't let your illness define you. Everyone has hurdles to overcome, find other ways to do what you need and want to do. Within difficulty lies opportunity!

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