Sister,
It has been a long time since we have spoken or seen each other. About three and a half years now. And I got to tell you that I miss you like hell in my pants. And that ain't no pussy-willowing joke. I miss you that my heart goes aching like a poisoned cat, just like that, around in circles. I miss you, boy did I love you. I loved you lusciously....

Sister, there ain't nothing left of me now, you know that, there ain't much left of me at all. still got that smiling pretty face but i can see the marks of suffering, like railway tracks the slaves ran through, baby, you know what i mean, there ain't nothing left of you in me. maybe sometimes, something creeps

There are so many of us that need prayers.

Today I met with the head of Newton Open Studios. She is kind and helpful and patient.
My exhibit.

This morning was horrible and so was yesterday morning. The hallucinations from the Cymbalta are becoming more intense. I am having auditory hallucinations too. And a lot of anxiety.

My brain is rejecting this drug. It is giving me very clear signals that it wants to have nothing to do with it anymore.

And my pain. Oh, my pain. I am left with you.

What do I do?

I went down to 20mg. It was only a few months ago that 20mg couldn't cover the horrible electrocutions that were leaving me unable to focus on a 2 minute phone conversation. I have no hopes that it will be any different now.

What do I do now?

What do I do next?

I wanted to go to Webster's to paint yesterday and today but the anxiety, the exhaustion, the disorientation from the hallucinations kept me captive.
At least I met with Ellen.

My art.

Thank God.

My faith that all of this is not for nothing and that I will yet make a difference, I will live out my destiny, I will .....

God damn it.

Try not to run into the traps that other aching wounded hearts create for you

Try to remember that "I love you" sometimes means nothing more than "I need you to love me."

Try to remember that "love" will often disappear during the harder times. Take it slow, slow, slow, slow, baby, slow.

Now that you know, you can take it slow, slow, baby, oh so slow. You have nowhere to run to and nowhere to rush towards. Take it slow baby, take it low. You can lower the flame and stay warm all the same. You can teach yourself to be tame, slow, baby, slow. You can shed it all slow baby slow. You can share passion, slow, baby, slow. There is nowhere to run to and no one is chasing, just take it slow, baby, slow, baby, low baby, slow. Lower the flame and just be where you are, baby, be where you are. If it's pain that you are meeting, then meet it head on, be brave, be courageous, be slow, baby, slow, baby....

Take it low, baby,slow,

You can be passionate, slowly, go slow baby, slow....

The Seventh Chamber

The Faces

The Chair

Gratitude and Connection; Evelyn Berde

Prayers Bodies

It is all here

God's hands are open in Acceptance

Atara

How sweet it is to be loved by you.

The love I give is the love of God.

I share that with you.

Daily, hourly, all you need is to embrace me.

I am always by your side, always have and always will reside within you.

And when you feel my presence waning, all you need to do is pray and I will be there right beside you again.

Pray for me.

Pray for us.

Pray for our collective healing.

And it will come

Like a wave.

Like a victory.

Like All

God you are so beautiful

I fall

I bow down to you

I am humbled by you and blessed by you and in gratitude and in compassion and in love

I seek and find you everywhere

In peace in devotion in commitment

In courage and integrity and in persistence and determination and in passion

I find you in anger and in forgiveness

In pain and in joy

I embrace you in suffering and in grief
In loss and in confusion, in terror and in despondency

I will be your servant forever
until the day i die
my only prayer
is to serve you
to know your ways
to be blessed by your grace
enlightened by your timidity, your humility, your insanity, your agony

i will hold your hand wherever you may be
and i will pray to find you
always
in me

Reside with me, i pray, i clean my temple daily so that there may be room for your light
and how i shine underneath the loving gaze of your beauty

Oh, heal us, heal us from our suffering and from our pain so that we may be your vessels, strong and healthy, seeking your Holy Name Only

In gratitude,

Atara

I lay
underneath your fingertips
It seems that by laying there
underneath your fingertips
I put myself at risk
will i be burnt?
or will i be healed?
will i be further wounded?
or will i find peace?

You hold me
still
there
I relax into trust

And fall

again

from these high and holy places

where the spirit resides

oh, how deep and cutting is the fall

how tender and vulnerable i am underneath your fingertips

what for?
for what higher cause am i putting my self there?

for promises that crack and cackle when they drop?
for dreams that unravel themselves into thin cold air?
for whom do i sacrifice my self there, underneath your body?

Woman, please do not give of yourself that way.
Woman, please do not give of yourself that way.

Woman, collecting your tears is not a past-time that I mind.
For i love you, and I care to understand.

But woman,
be wise
be wise
be wise

Your own wisdom will protect you.

Hold that wisdom close to your heart.

Your own wisdom will protect you.

Hold that wisdom close, close to your warm heart.

Keep the wisdom warm and you will be wise.

I am humbled before you Goddess
For you anoint my eyes with your wisdom
And my soul rises
In song and in prayer
To your beauty and to your Grace
I love you