I was broken that I would never marry
that i would never make love to a man again
that i would never bear a child

that i would be dependent and in bed and on endless medication all the time

this proved to be untrue
my life is much richer then this
sometimes i just seem to sink
to sink right back into the pit of fear
it feels like i am being sucked into it
that i have no control over it
i lose faith that i will ever live a "normal" life again. And clearly I won't.
And I lose faith that i still have time to have a baby
with a man that i will love deeply, of course

And then I remember how when I was dying on the inside I was certain that I would never be able to sleep with a man again. And I remind myself that I can. And I feel certain that I will be happy and that it be will be healing.

So, I already gained more then I thought I could.

So, there is always more ahead and we can't know what the future will bring.

So here I am. Eight in the morning. Fourth night of insomnia. Pretending to be normal??
But I am not pretending. Not at all. I just feel that it is healing. And healing is number one on my list. And who knows what triumphs of spirit are yet to come!!!!!

Can you hear the trumpets??
They sound a little low today
they seem a little sad
Can you hear the trumpets?
They sound like they are mourning
Heavy and slow and low

Yeah, sometimes I feel like I am pretending. Pretending to be normal. But what can I do? I don't look sick. You can't see suffering etched into my face. You can see sad eyes. So it isn't me that is pretending. I just have to tell you my story slowly, cuz it hurts so much and I don't want to be hurt more.

Like feeling like a fraud, like if anyone knew how hard my life is they would run away and they should run away.

Why can't i think positive? Why can't i think that having a loving partner could help me heal further? Why not see this as another step towards my own wholeness. I guess that thinking like that is when it starts becoming love. And it takes time to get to know someone. Not forever, but time spent together.
So, i guess it is fear. That same familiar fear that i have had since age 17, that I will never marry.

My God help.

I really need to sleep.

And sleeping in someone else's arms might help me sleep

Love you beautiful
Hey gorgeous