Art

I want to focus on art now, on expressing what I can express through photography. My own art is doing well. I have made significant progress with my jewelry. I hope to take classes. I hope that physically my body will be able to handle the classes. I have made significant progress in terms of my body though that all disappears when my period comes around. Still, I have slowly cut down on the Lyrica and am not in more pain because of this. And I only use the Valium suppositories once in a while. I have marijuana now which makes me feel safe. So, I feel relatively protected. I can make times and dates. My pain level is usually stable. And I am doing wonderfully with my vibrator. Supposedly there is a new wand (for physical therapy) that vibrates. The vibrations are supposed to help desensitize the over sensitized nerves. So, in terms of my body, sure it is always a struggle to inhabit it. But, I could say that healing is the path that I am on. Yes, it is long, arduous, uncertain and definitely a roller-coaster.... but I can touch that word and relate to it. And breathe it deeply into my body, my soul.
Reclaiming my sexuality. Reclaiming my sensuality. Reclaiming my femininity. Art has a lot to do with this. Being able to express the losses helps me connect to the gains. Being able to express the terror helps me to feel the safety of where I am today. Safety in terms of no longer being mowed down the way that I used to be. And if I am mowed down, I know that I will make my way up. I won't stay down for months. I already know that I improved from a place that I was certain I would never be able to.

So, now I find things and they seem to be calling me. "Here, I am here for you. Use me. Take what you need. Do what you have to do." And so I take wires and large pieces of metal and an ironing board. The wires are light though they do not look light and they are painted red. I will be tied down with them. The metal pieces are the stakes that were lodged in me. They are perfect. Sadly, I could even insert them into myself. I plan to be nude, stark naked. The truth. The soft body chained and coiled, clamped, burnt... My art is not about healing. It is about pain and suffering that has no visual context, that is invisible, that goes unheard, unseen. My art wants to show you so that you will not be able to turn your head away and tell me to leave your office cuz "it is in your head." Or because you don't care enough to try to learn and figure it out. You won't be able to turn your head and to say that it did not happen. You will not remain silent and stupid in the face of my suffering and destruction.

Stark Naked
Vagina
Legs Open Wide
Maybe I am crazy
But I was this way long before pudendal neuralgia
I always tell the truth and I was never afraid to tell you it is Ugly if that is what I saw
No, I might be sweet but I am not diplomatic about the things that I believe in

I don't know if my voice will ever be heard
But I have to try
I will send the pictures to all the gynecologists who saw me.
I dare them
I dare them to tell another woman that it is in her head.

I have a lot to express. And I have a lot of ideas. And I have a junk-yard full of everything that I need.

So, there is work ahead. And I hope that I will be able to put something meaningful and powerful together. I am not afraid to touch the pain that way. I want to.
It is part of my healing path. And my journey is still so long...