Last night and today I felt an old familiar feeling
Something that I have not felt in a very long time
I wanted to hug the world
To hug it in all of its brokenness
To love it just the way it is

The pain

chains me down
and leaves me struggling my way back into bed
criticizing myself that on such a beautiful day I stay in bed
And i remember the walks
the walks of timeless suffering
trudging my way through the snow to physical therapy after a night of torture and torment
And i remember the walks with my father
every step as heavy as the guillotine and the noose

The sun shone
The trees were green
My father walked with me
I didn't want to see anyone
i knew that my eyes were empty
empty eyes

walking

into

timeless

suffering

so, today, i still stay in bed, resisting the fight to walk
i don't want to walk
i want to lay in bed and feel the pain and wish i was dead
and then when i get up and go out
i am revived from the dead
water fills my soul

And i know that i am alive and dead
that i walk and that i stay in bed
that i am still
struggling

Sometimes I am sure that I am giving in to the pain
That I am not fighting hard enough

I am not sure
I am just trying to survive
Life is so different then what it used to be

I just don't want to fight anymore
I want life

Come to me life
I have a heart full of hugs