I wanted to go to Vilna Shul, to meet friends and to pray but my pain level spiked so sharp that instead I went to lie down and put not one but two Valiums up my private pussy kitten. I have to work on not adding depression onto pain, accepting that tonight is not the night for me to go out. It helps to be able to check in with the Pudendal Support Group on Facebook, to feel like I can hang out and communicate with a lot of others who understand my plight completely.

It is weird but I do have faith. I have faith that new medications and treatments will be developed. I have faith that more doctors will be hearing about our condition. I have faith that I can be part of this larger movement towards healing.

That of course does not mean that it is easy for me to get out of bed or to to do daily life activities. I went shopping with my mom and brother today and upon returning home made a quick dive for my bed. Damn was the knife sharp. Killing me. But I didn't get depressed about not being able to go out as I had hoped to. And I appreciated my friend's understanding. He told me to stay home so I did not have to feel that I let him down or disappointed him. It makes it easier when the people around me understand that I am trying my best. I am happy that though the pain was mad I stayed level-headed and just accepted that it would be another evening in my bedroom. It is okay. I can accept myself without judging myself or hating my body or pitying myself to tears. Equanimity is what I want in my life. Equanimity in the face of my own suffering.

I hope that I will be able to attend the jewelry classes that I signed up for. I better psyche myself up now for the possibility/probability of having to miss some classes. Remember Atara, don't get down on yourself. Try to listen to your body, accept, breathe....