As much as i don't want to admit it to myself
every day is a battle with depression
sometimes i win the battle and then i almost believe that the war is over
many times i lose the battle and then i know that i battle every day
there are simply days that i battle so well that i almost believe i am well
and then when i fall again
it is because i know that the war is far away from over
and that the rest of my life pife (at first i just wrote pife by mistake, then i thought that i should keep it)
so, as i was saying, that for the rest of my pife pife (woops, meant to write life pife)
ooooookay, so that for the rest of my pife pife i will be in battle
but does anyone know what a pife pife is????
Humor
when i laugh i remember that i haven't lost
that i am still fighting
still wining
when i am patient with people and friendly to people
i know that i am still living my pfe pife
shit, that typo really changed it, so where do i go from here
it feels so academic and scientific now
the pfe pife
is it still my o pfe pife?
will i have ever get my pife pife back??
and if i get my pife pife back
will i then get my life pife back
so, as you see i am trying very hard to get my life back
i will come back to you later
nuts
are
yummy
so, kissing
that is what i did today
after three days of depression
i went kissing
we saw a man fishing
and heard a turtle swimming
and we really enjoyed kissing
so, it is still life
and i am still fighting
beating the waves
i told him that i don't feel female
that i don't feel human sometimes
and he bluntly explained to me that i am still human
and that i am definitely still female
he had a very confident voice when he said that
there was no need for further clarification
he was simply informing me of the very obvious
yes, i was clearly female
in fact i was a beautiful and sexy female
there was not an inkling of doubt there either
in fact i managed to feel the sexy me breathing the broken pieces together
yes, i could be sexy and beautiful
and he made certain that i feel that
very female
beauti...
full
and maybe i know it
that i still look the way that she did
that men still explore her body with their eyes
but i can't feel it
i can't feel her
until i am reminded that i am still female
to me, i am shattered bits and pieces
broken goods
a burden
a disabled person
oh, and i how i feared that i had lost, would never know again intimacy with a man
i knew that i would love
i knew that i would be wanted
but what happens when you tell the man you love that....
my body is twitching just with the thought
i can feel the energy throw itself around within me
and so i let go
and stay afloat
trying to believe what other people tell me i am
brave, beautiful, wise, strong
and i look at myself
"fakakt!" - do you remember what that means, it means worthless in Yiddish, no longer working, a left over that drags along behind and keeps the clan from moving forward
the pitied ones
the feared ones
why do so many people run away from suffering?
and, i breathe deeply because there is so much pain there
and the energy is lashing through my body
mmmm, your lips are delicious
can i stop myself from wanting to live?
can i give myself a chance?
deep breath cuz this battle scares me
my friends say that it will be a cinch
that i can do it
that of course i will be a mother and a wife
that no doubt that i will have children
Liati said, if not you then who? regarding having children.
Dganit said that finding a man will be a cinch for me
And a long time back Donna said that the man that will get me, pain and all will be a prince.
These are my three wise friends that protect me and battle by my side all along the way
they can feel me from far away
and this makes me cry because i miss them so much and i feel them so strongly
i am not alone in my battle
there are people that are not afraid to battle with me
And I am crying as i write this
And I breath cuz i can feel how my whole body tenses up
and then i can feel the pain
like a block that has taken over my body
can you imagine a block taking over your body
ripping through the soft parts
to reach the shape that it wants
regardless of the pain that it is causing
pain that made me suicidal and ready to believe that there was a reason that my life would have to end with my own hands
as foreign and as unreal as that felt to me
i was beginning to promise myself that i would no longer allow myself to suffer like this
and that it was time for the people who loved me
and for my cat who loved me and loves me deeply!
to release me, to let me go
to understand that it was time to let me go cuz i couldn't take the devastation anymore
i am still here
so i guess that i am still human, still female
still alive
not sure why,
but there are so many people rooting for me that i can't just give up
and as painful as it is
and as painful as it is for them to feel me suffer
somehow they have this voice that keeps telling me that of course i can do it, that i am amazing
i don't know what is so amazing about someone who couldn't take the pain anymore and went to kill herself?
i don't feel courageous
i did not feel courageous those two and half weeks in the hospital
i felt terrified and anxious to a ...
they kept on calling me
and elisheva
and noam, my younger brother who is in England
and they just knew that i would be fine
liati said that if i would have died it would have been just a mistake, it would not have been right
today we kissed at the lake
and i shed two quick tears for the girl who was there
for the girl that had lost hope
for the girl that was broken
that had given up
that had been so brave
broke
and shattered to a million pieces
to wake up in the hospital with my two parents at my side
after a night of watching me sleep
unconscious
praying that my liver would not be damaged
that i would wake up
and i was awake the whole time
my heart was
i knew i wasn't going anywhere
and my mom said that she knew that i would be fine
she says she knew that my liver would be fine
ten years ago, more like twelve years they both sat by my bed
while i was almost dying from malaria
it was faster then
my life was saved quickly. six days in the hospital and I had my body back.
this time around it is very different
they knew that i was dying
they were watching me die
and i think to myself how hard it must to be a parent
and i know how hard it is to lose a parent
i almost lost my dad
he tried to slit his wrist
and he swallowed all his pills
so, i know how painful it is to almost lose my father, to pray and cry alone in the little guest room in the hospital, to go and check every few minutes with a friendly smile so that the nurse won't yell at me for bothering him
and then just lying in his chest, glued to his body, feeling like we were one
and watching him wake up
and asking him questions to see if his brain is okay
and trying to understand what he is saying
and laughing with joy when he is coherent
and his sense of humor is strong
and he smiles a lot
and he is very happy and grateful that i am with him
and then being moved to another floor on the hospital and having young beautiful doctors check on him all the time, and i am so grateful to them, they are so kind and compassionate and they are so non-judgmental
in times like that, they look like angels
they very clearly are angels
dressed in blue
and then we moved to the psychiatric ward and that was a completely different world. As though it were a different hospital,,,,filthy,
we met David there, he was a sweet boy and he liked my father a lot. He spent a lot of time with my father there.
And then the second hospitalization. He looked as though he was becoming catatonic and that was very scary for me.
We prayed together on Friday nights, we sang and ate challah and wine
And the third hospitalization. Newton Wellesley hospital, where I had been. So, I had to go back there to visit him and see all the same people that I saw when I was there, fragile and broken. And it was so easy to see the angels and to tell the difference from them there.
Though angels must get angry and frustrated too. The work is hard.
And I don't know why I had to fall this far.
But i do know that the angels are calling me from all sides.
Angels
i think i understand angels for the first time in my life
Are they like Jesus?
Do they suffer for the sake of others?
I don't believe that.
So where are those magical angels?
mmm, i guess i do have a lot of magical angels all around me
and they are all so different
and i know that they don't deserve to suffer
so
god
just does not make sense to me
But i think that the Jewish God is different then that. Because the Jewish God well, the Jewish God gets angry a lot, feels betrayed often, almost divorces 'his people'. It is the people that have to be loyal to HIM and to only him otherwise very bad things will happen to them. EEEEeeeeeeek. So, those that suffer are actually sinners who are receiving their payment now. That doesn't work for me either. So, what kind-of God could it possibly be?
It could be the potential for beautiful Sabbaths with delicious food and singing, gratitude, respect and devotion. We are supposed to be married to this God. And divorce is not much of a possibility. Though God could disown you if he wanted to.
Of course, first let's put everything in its correct place. This is clearly a patriarchy with very set rules and codes of ethics. Commitment, loyalty to One God was the first precipice for this faith. It was a must, a rule that could not be broken. There is only One God and that is the Jewish God. That does not work for me either.
So, maybe what they were trying to say was that there was Unity, that everything is God, and that this is the Jewish God that we believe in. We believe in Unity of all things. We believe in love and justice. We believe in compassion and mercy and wisdom. We believe that everything is one and that all these qualities and energies are what create Unity and are what can give us a sense of Godliness, can bring us closer to God. And these things are feeding the hungry, helping the widow, greeting and accepting the stranger, loving God and having Faith in His Divine Goodness.
My father loves Judaism so deeply. I wish he could explain to me what he loves so much about Judaism. My mother also loves Judaism. And so did both of my grandmothers. Each one loved it very differently. There was definitely love and respect there.
All that my father's mother wanted was that I marry a good Jewish boy. She said that the problem was that i was too beautiful. That was why i wasn't getting married.
My mother's mother was absolutely gorgeous in such a natural and delicate way. She was married at the age of 12 to 14 and widowed at a young age. She said that all men are men. They are endless in the ocean and there is no rush to catch one. No rush at all, unless you wanted a baby, of course. And babies were always wanted in my grandmother's house.
So, i have also learnt to love Judaism because there is so much wisdom there, there is so much depth and wisdom there. It is like an endless fountain because we passed that love successfully from generation to generation. I am not sure how. My father's father was not a nice man. He had a temper and apparently showed no affection to my father. Ow, how sad that is for a father to not love his son. My father loves his son. My father could not not love us. He just loved us. It was simple and easy for him to love us. But he never learnt to love himself. He identified with Judaism so much that it almost became himself. He loved Yeshiva with a passion. He loved the debating and the closeness with his yeshiva-mates.
My father seems to think that the only part of his brain that he can use is the rational one. So, of course the Torah makes no sense. It was written by a lot of different people at different times. How could anyone believe that this book was given exactly as it was given to the people, our ancestors.
So, I have divinely revealed a lot of information about my family. I am sure that this is too much information for my family. But If my blog is to be real then I have to let my hair down.
I do believe in prayer. And I believe in love. And I know that there are magical times and times that feel...pregnant with meaning and love.
And so here I am
And my angels are cheering me on
And I don't want to stop writing cuz then reality will step in
and it is the fourth night of sleeplessness
and i don't want another day of depression
and morning is coming soon and soon i will feel miserable and exhausted and anxious and worthless cuz
no,no,no
tomorrow will be a better day
that is what they say in Israel "yehiye tov", it will be good, in the future it will be good, people consoled each other that way when times were hard.
Why is there senseless killing? And rape and murder and genocides and killer ants?
Why is there all of that??
I cannot get a straight answer to that. God kind-of does the disappearing act when i ask that. Jewish God, Christinina, muhammad, jesus, david, saul and jonathan. cain and abel, two brothers, one killed the other.
That is intense. That is how the Bible starts with murder within a family.
and we learn from this. To be better people, ...
A leap of faith could get us a God to believe in
I don't know. I see the people "of faith", some of them have lost it all together.
So what does a warrior know.
How to hide and come out in surprise to beat his enemy
And in the time of the Bible there were a lot of enemies. And the Jews were slaves. They worked hard. The Egyptians worked them hard and did not give them time to rest or to recover.
From their suffering into the desert they went. In the desert there was barely water and the people were very thirsty. Some of them said that it would have been better if they had stayed in Egypt. Here they would perish. At least in Egypt they had food and water.
And then the two portions fell from the sky on the Sabbath. And the people did not have to work, they could rest on the Sabbath. But those who collected more than two were reprimanded and their food that fell from the sky spoiled.
Fair enough. They learnt their lesson. Next time they would not be greedy and they would not disobey the commands that God sets.
There are so many ups and downs. The relationship between God and Us, Israel is so rocky. So many times it feels like God is angry and jealous and resentful and stubborn. And he takes innocent lives for minor misdemeanors.
And i thought that my life had been one big mistake, that I was being punished by God for not having stayed by my parents side, closer to God, maybe i would have gotten married, by now i would have four or five children. And I would be happy. No suffering.
Instead I had to go "sleep around", travel the world, go to the army, be with stupid men
So that is why God would punish me?
No sense, right?
Ridiculous.
I felt like I was going insane, losing it
remember, losing it from the pain
losing your mind from pain
and your entire life to pain
again, i was no one's sacrifice
But God's???
My Goddess was smarter. She waited for me by the fire and massaged my body and told me that I would come out of this a healer
that one day i would replace her and help heal those that suffered like me
cuz I know deep into God's raw flesh
what it feels like to beg God to take me, to let me die already
and I have to believe and to connect to that faith that i am still obliged to the world
that i am still of value to the world. I have to fight for that. Or so I feel. That I owe it to my soul and to a lot of women. Because I can and because someone has to.
But is that just the little dreamer girl in me that had faith in her ability to heal. Over-faith. I thought and felt that I was deeply connected to God. Sometimes I felt that I was one with God. I was young to be having such spiritual experiences, though spirituality was not foreign to me because I was part of an Orthodox congregation growing up. But, I also think that I felt helpless so often as a child, helpless in the face of all the fighting and the anger and the silences that were home. I tried the best I could to bring harmony, peace but I also filled myself with anger at having had a rotten childhood. So later, all the peace and harmony that I "brought" as a child (amazing report cards. that wasn't their fault. i loved to study. loved it and i had passionate and loving teachers) i ended up resenting them, blaming them for a lot of things, angry at their anger, at their avoidance and denial and meanness to each other. I didn't want to come home anymore.
And here I am. An angel brought me home. And home has only gotten worse. So, as a child I created for myself fantasies of going to the lands where children were dying and saving them. Why not, it makes sense. If i can't save my family and myself well then surely i will be able to save the starving in Africa. And I lived my little fantasies and once again later on, blamed my parents for having made me a dreamer (i had to escape to somewhere that harmony and peace could exist in. they have been banned from this house since the start). For having gone to Africa and India and South America, for
having wanted to be far from them. So, it was their fault that I was suffering now.
Really, anger does not make sense. It is such a destructive force/energy and people literally get addicted to it in the same way that they become addicted to narcotics or drugs. Addicted to the feeling. That is my older brother. It is scary to watch him get angry.
I hear the dog barking. I miss my cat
It is better to be a Buddhist and to connect to the Oneness through compassion and love.
By the way that line before the last one was my piece of Zen Wisdom for the night.
You may close your prayer books and begin to meditate.
Be patient, sit, don't react, listen to your breath, ...
Buddhism is a gem.
Judaism and Buddhism go hand in hand. Now that is something to be proud of! I don't know what Buddhism thinks of Judaism. But our ability to embrace another faith system so openly and naturally says something about where we find and seek wisdom. And Buddhism is definitely a treasure box of spirituality and depth.
And compassion. So much compassion.
For ourselves
for our healing battling loving female selves
Damn, now how hard is that. Try being compassionate to yourself when you are in pain for two years. You lie down next to yourself and love yourself and support yourself and encourage yourself. You teach yourself and slowly one piece connects to another, and then another to another...until
...two years! And I am just at the beginning of healing.
May we stay strong and loving and fierce for each other.
To life.
Le-Chaim!
