Depression

The depression is heavy today, a heavy static and sinking feeling wrapped in one. Looking at pictures of when life was on my side. I always had a smile on my face and I was always excited about something. Today I feel like my face is a smile-less cavern. Then I look in the mirror and I see that I still am pretty and it makes no sense to me. That my face could stay the same after everything that I have been through. No sense at all. It is all so unreal, I guess as unreal as the face of a murderer who looks just like any other human being. Does it make sense that after so much torture I would still look the same. Is it fair that doctors did not believe my agony because they could not see the pain? Only my family saw the pain and it took them a long time to get it too. Every day is another one to get through. Some are easier then others. There are times when I feel that I can tackle this, that I can live with this, that I can voice all of this and help others too. And there are times like today where I just want to stay curled up in my shell, diverting my sad eyes away from my family, pretending that this is life. And it is life, a new life.

How do I come to terms with it all? Does anyone have a suggestion cuz today I just want to get off of the merry-go-round. I am dizzy and disheveled and just a little sorry for myself.

I made a huge order of beads today so that finally I can get to work on creating stuff. I do want to get serious about making jewelry and I would like to have my own little web-site one day. That is what I do with my time a lot now. I order beads and surf the web getting ideas. My desire to create is still relatively strong. Though there are many days when that also just ebbs back and forth between the rocks. Until something happens and I am pulled back into life and with that comes the desire to create, beauty, delicacy, patience, femininity, compassion. I would like to think that like flowers and poetry, my jewelry too could speak and tell of the gentler kinder softer parts of life.

As for healing. I will save that for another day. Today I will stay quiet and low, licking my wounds, counting my losses and wishing.....