Friends

Friends is a story in and of itself when it comes to suffering and sickness. Who really stood and stands by me? How painful it has been to feel the lack of responsiveness from certain relatives and "friends". And then there are those friends who were and continue to be with me through it all. Friends that love with a heart full of love. Friends that care with a deep and wide compassion. Friends that met me over and over in the pits of despair when all i wanted was to leave my forsaken broken body. Friends that cry with me and laugh with me. Friends that are not afraid of my suffering and despair. Friends that know the essence of love. These are my friends. Maybe i have fewer friends then i thought i had. But i know that the few that stick by me are the gems and jewels, my kindred souls and spirits. I think that it is for them and for my family that i continued living. i knew that they were not yet ready to let me go. They held onto me with their love and their tears and their faith that life still had a role for me to play. My friends. I can name them, count them on one hand.   Truthfully, i know that i am lucky to have true friends. I know that i am lucky that despite the long distances i can feel their presence, heart and mind with me. I know that I too am a friend in the way that they are. And I am grateful, so ever-grateful for the love and faith we share together.

I get tinges of pain, when i think of the people i had hoped would be there for me. I used to feel angry, forsaken, bitter. The dumb silence is infuriating, i try to let it go......breathe and let it go....
And to focus on the people who i never knew were my guardians and who showed me their faces and shared with me their light: a friend of my brother who sent me a book that helps me work on acceptance and loving-kindness. A friend of my mother who sent me packages full of beads and a wonderful book about healing through Judaism. And when memories of the mean and uncaring doctors that i met along the way take over i remind myself of my current doctor, who is full of compassion and care.

I guess i can consider myself lucky that I can balance the loss with the love. That I can balance the betrayal with the commitment, that I often find myself writing gratitude notes. I cherish acts of kindness. I always knew how valuable they are. When famine hit, gratitude was the rope that pulled me out from drowning in despair.

Goodnight friends. Goodnight stars.