Why was I cursed with this condition?
Why? Why? Why?
And how strong do i have to be to keep on fighting through every day, hoping that i will walk into a better one?
I am so tired.
And at times / all times scared.
What happens to me when my parents die? When i have none to help me?
What happens to me when i am older and alone and cannot work and have no income?
I hate these thoughts. They scare me like the boogy man. I try to send them away. I try to be a Buddhist about all this. I try to breath today. But tomorrow still leaks into my mind and lurks behind my thoughts.
What happens to a soul that is trapped in a broken junk-yard of a body?
Exercise, plane-rides, squatting to help hold a washing machine, sitting on hard stools while on the potters wheel....what?
What did i do to deserve this punishment? And with what spirit do i keep on going?
My back hurts, everything hurts and aches, as though i am made of parts that no longer connect to each other.
I am so tired.
Why was Friday such a good day? And why have the past few days been so painful?
Sorry, there is nothing creative in me today.
Today is a why day.
Another why day.
Is it the gardening that made it all worse? The bending and the squatting and the fact that I dragged a bag of soil just a bit.
The fact that one day my body will no longer live is a comforting thought.
To disintegrate and be eaten by worms and have all kinds of tiny critters crawling through my skeleton seems so peaceful. Come, eat away at my dead nerves. Come slither through my pelvis, come attach yourself to my ribs, take a walk along my high cheekbones and slide back down. Slithery crawly things like the ones i saw while gardening today, you are all invited! Feast away. I have finally found peace.
i sure as hell hope so. who knows what other torments might be awaiting my perky little soul.
there is no guarantee that there will be peace.
so what can i do to be more productive now. how about a warm bath??
Okay girls, it is bath time.
Love
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