I must be like one of the kittens or birds that I tried to heal but I am not sure which one. No, I am not like them. Their suffering was shorter I believe. They either died or lived. They struggled towards life or let go into death. This is so different. That is why it is so much easier for others not to hear. No one wants to know the truth. No one wants to understand that hell is a part of life. No one wants to have to feel that vulnerable, that insecure, that terrified, that desperate, that tortured.

We are left with our own destiny and with each other, determined to hold onto the strings of our lives, determined to believe that we too can weave a beautiful tapestry out of what is left of us. I will believe this until the end. I will believe this through the nights of senselessness and longing. I will believe this over and over and again and again even as I lay here stranded, my wounds drenched and pus-ridden, my insides moss-ridden and sharp...I know that I belong to this world, if only to prove it to myself that I am worthy of the blessings that it holds for me so close to its bosom, holding me up to where milk and honey flow so that I will yet know for certain that every bit of suffering was worth the price I had to pay. I hold on, I know this to be true. Suffering has taught me this.

Beauty.

Beauty.

Beauty.

is always so near

beckoning me

and i

embrace it with a ferocity that creates more of it

right, underneath, right through the warmth of my embrace

how can i give in

when i know how much lies in the earth

just waiting,

just waiting for the warm tender rays

magical wands that pull flowers

of all colors and shapes

out of

all of this

messiness


And i continue to amaze my self
in how much pleasure and delight and joy
my soul is bound to

this is what suffering has done
it has brought truth and beauty
dancers of my destiny
it has brought them to me
devoted companions that stay
warm and luscious, sensual and promising
 while suffering chisels uselessly through my cells
beauty remains, adoring sister
whispering to me "the flowers are growing now"
"the colors will be magic"
"you will dance to the beauty that you will recognize"
"the sun will embrace you and darken you"
"the wounds will once again quiet down"
"wait, sister, wait, it is happening now, soon sister, sister, very soon you will see it, you will feel it all again"

And I imagine the nights that I spent with my blond-haired, blue-eyed sister and how I took for granted that the next day would be sweet like the day that just rolled away. And I miss that so much. Sister, you are so far away now. Sister, I carry you inside my broken body now. I miss you. I want to go back to when my body was what it used to be.

And beauty sits by my side. She is no longer scared at all by suffering. She watches it. She hears its senselessness. But more then that She sings to me of colors and flowers and breasts and vaginas and thighs, warm thighs spread wide open, beckoning a lover....

"This is my sister", she says to the lover. She is clothed. I am the one soft in my nudity. "This is my sister", she whispers to the lover who is approaching me, "She is ready. She knows it all now. She is open. Take her into you and love her. She is ready for your passion. Delight in her."

And as I lay there, she turns. I tilt my head to grasp what she is looking towards. And there, before my eyes, I recognize all of my sisters, together, bending towards me. There is Passion. How I missed her. There is Love. She never left my side. And Compassion. Her gentle clothes are torn and dirtied. A soft light shines through the tears. It is the light of her body. I can see her angel beating its wings against her skin. I have learned so much from Compassion. She has been my most devoted friend. She has taught me healing. And then there is Determination and Resilience and Laughter. And they all carry their small musical instruments that they themselves have made. And Creativity smiles at me and blesses me with her warmth and her wisdom.

They are singing. They are singing.

As I take my lover into me. As I accept you, they sway and turn to greet Life. And as Life walks toward us, tired and uncertain, desperate and determined...beauty rises in embrace towards her haggled figure and She is transformed into

You and Me

Together

How I longed for you

And how you embraced all of me, suffering and all my sisters.

I love you.