Crying.

The hallucinations, the anxiety that they provoke...
Just got the phone call that I have been waiting for from Brigham's. The pain psychologist was very caring. He asked me about the hallucinations and told me that I will be able to meet Dr. Wasan, the pain psychiatrist on Monday. He spoke about changing from Cymbalta to Savella and I told him that I had wanted to do that months ago but that my insurance had rejected my request. My insurance only covers Savella for people that suffer from Fibromyalgia which I also suffer from but this had not been documented. Since then Dr. Valovska documented it and I went to a Fibro. Specialist who documented it as well so I should be approved for Savella.
Yesterday I went to the Brigham and Women's Pain Clinic here in Boston and saw my doctor, Dr. Valovska. She took the hallucinations very seriously and immediately got things rolling, thank god.

The reason that I am crying is because the psychologist that called me now asked me to tell him about the hallucinations. And I recounted to him my most vivid memory from this morning. I was lying underneath a huge wave, terrified but "prepared" to be swallowed by it. And Noam is there. In my head I can hear him and he is grief-stricken and I can't bear the pain of his suffering. I hear him saying something like "oh no, oh god" and his voice is in my head, over and over. I am underneath the wave, the wave is coming closer and closer to me and it is going to envelope me, and then it suddenly stops, it folds back into itself without reaching me...and I see Noam standing there and ....

And now the tears just keep on coming and pouring down while I write this because I know that this is how it was. I stayed alive cuz I promised him that I would always answer the cell-phone. That is why I didn't throw it into the pond, because I couldn't break my promise to him, I could attempt to end my suffering through suicide but I couldn't break my promise to him that I would answer my cell-phone if he called. Oh, God.

I am so afraid of going back to the pain,
But I know that Brigham's is a good pain clinic.
and that Dr. Valovska is a good doctor
and that they won't let me suffer the way that Dr. Audette from Harvard Vanguard let me suffer

I will be okay
and I am here for Noam
And I kept my promise to him
And we had so much work to do
And we did it
We worked though so much pain and anger and accusations of each other
And we are strong today
He cares for me and I care for him
And it will be okay