abba

i lay on the floor, the carpeted floor of my childhood bedroom

my father lies on the floor too

he knows that i have been crying all day

he knows that my heart is broken

that today i drowned in his suffering

i look into his eyes and i ask

"abba, did we do something wrong?"

"abba, did we do something wrong that we fell so far?"

I want to know if a daughter can still be the crown of her father when their kingdom has turned to devastation.


Can I still be your crown even if all of this came to be because my body went haywire?

The tears spill and I walk just because I have to continue, to continue, I already know that going backwards only hurts more.....oh, I "know" that none of this is my fault but that does not mean that I feel that it is not my fault.

 "Abba, did I not love you enough?"...

"If I loved you more would you heal?"


I have a picture of you from when you were two or three yours old. You are smiling and laughing in the picture. My God, it was so simple to make you smile. You smiled all the time. And now. Now, I wish that you, that child was my own so that I could hold you, him in my arms and make sure that you, he grows up knowing how beautiful he is.

But you were someone else's child and I, I am your daughter. I rest my head between your chest and your arm-pit and we hold each other's hand. You rest. And I rest with you. And you tell me that a daughter can still be the crown of her father even his kingdom has been devastated.

I ask the questions. And you give the answers.

Just like it was when I was a little girl. Only then, I believed that fathers live forever and that little girls have fathers they can love into forever.

How Abba?
How do I do this?
You never taught me how to say goodbye to you.
I thought that you would be forever.

Every day i watch you slip further away
At least, today, when I drowned, you were there on the shore waiting to hold me again.