Funny Posts

Some of my posts are funny. They make perfect sense to me but to whoever dares to read my ramblings....I give you credit for putting up with me for this long! So, why are some of my posts strange and disconnected. Precisely because I suffer from PN and when I get my period I reach for my Marijuana and when I am stoned I am particularly inclined to write to my blog. I become fascinated by my own thoughts and my thoughts become very associative. I write from my free associations basking in emotions and memories and a mind full of sunshine. I become more tactless than usual when I am stoned. I express and feel my spirituality more profoundly when I am stoned. I am very grateful for what I like to call Mary y Juana. Could Mary y Juana be a wonderful love affair between a man and a woman, or possibly between a woman and a woman? Whatever and whoever Mary y Juana are, I am grateful that they are in my life because they make my periods bearable. And I enjoy slipping into another state of mind that feels very much like my own and becomes so deliciously and self-centeredly or possibly selflessly fascinating. I have begun to think a lot about my past lives and have begun to feel that for certain my soul has lived in this realm and in other realms where time is just as as timeless as trapping air in ones hands. Can time be trapped? Can my soul begin and end? All of this suffering, all of this physical desperation has left me with a clearer vision. There are worlds between worlds and souls migrate and connect and re-connect through different lives and ever-changing realms. Like kaleidoscopes, our lives dance in and out and there is nothing that can betray this ever-existing transience. Death itself is nothing but a marker for yet another beginning, as absolutely and totally as life is. We have to help each other suffer less. There is no need for all this suffering. Much of it is what we bring onto ourselves through the love of hatred and judgement instead of the love of compassion and care.
To tell you that my soul has become more settled since all of this came upon me would be to idealize the devil and there is nothing to love about the devil. But the soul, the soul is there for us to love, to relish and to adore its ever-lasting joy in life, in detail and in delicacy. The soul that can learn to live despite and through and toward..... how could I not look at myself and through myself with awe after everything that I have been through and continue to live through. For, I know that this essence is far beyond and so much deeper then any personal I or any individual bout with courage. Rather, I have to know that my soul is but one small spark that is as huge as all our souls together and as tiny as nothing and everything together. And so my faith continues to grow and I believe even more strongly in healing and in hope and in growth and in bloom. And I continue to look towards the spring with respect for the winter that envelops the bulbs of my gardens with quiet and peace. The chill of the winter has not entered my bones for I know that everything passes and that I am here to help and to live and to love until my soul is ready to unite once again with its source, the same very source that we all come from.
I am not stoned now. I am just enjoying writing. I feel pleased that two more souls have joined my journeys here. I am happy that one soul left me comments. Like a hungry fish to a crumb, I suck the sweetness of connection for there I know that I am not alone, that thousands journey like me and that we all bear the yoke of this suffering and that we bear it  together, not alone. Not alone, the way that it was when I lay there tortured. There are those that gain faith from suffering because in the empty desperation there is the soul that cries and yearns and begs for something else. And it is so alive and so starved and so desperate and so lost that it knows that there is something that must be found. We are here to find it. We will find it. We will find it so that others will not have to bear the yoke of the suffering that left us crushed and starving for death.......
I do believe that we will alleviate suffering. There is hope, if and only if we come to understand that we are all one, interconnected and desperate for each other.
Love,
Atara