Down to earth

okay, here i come. I am returning, slowly landing,,,,,,,back onto earth. Hello everyone,,, oooooo, the landing was a bit rocky and uncomfortable and truthfully landing back into physical reality is not so pleasant for someone with PN. I like travelling into other realms, I feel safer there. Magic works for me a lot better then reality.
So, I cut all my hair off and shaved it down to the skin of my scalp. And I love it! I especially like the way that people look at me with curiosity and do i feel a touch of compassion in there eyes too? Do they think that I suffer from cancer and am going through chemo. ? Do they think that I prefer woman and wonder for a moment what that means for them? I miss the eyes on me. In Israel people look at me much more. People look into each others eyes, strangers. Here, people are friendly but cautious and courteous and eye-contact is considered invasive. I look at people. I look at people deeply and with time. I like faces and eyes and expressions and lips...
My mother wants me to wear a hat when I am in the house. She says that I remind her of a cancer patient and she cannot look at me. You would think that she hadn't gone through the hell of watching me die and suffer in front of her eyes for months at a time.
My father mourned the loss of my curls. How could he caress my face without caressing my hair. He feels as though I took a part of myself away from him.
My older brother thinks I have become a lesbian (in my mind, women love women, we do not have to be called or labeled anything. it is natural for us to be intimate with other women)
My younger brother says that I look hideous and that I have lost a large percent of my attractiveness. He says that I look like I am in the military.

My best friend Liat saw me through Skype and started touching her hair and saying that seeing me this way makes her want to shave her hair off too. Her husband kindly put his hand over his mouth to cover what i imagine was a smirk lying snugly on his face.

I, myself, seem to see my beauty ten-fold now that I have no hair. I look into my eyes deep into the mirror and I see all the ways that I have travelled and how far I have come. I see my past lives and I see this life and I see how liberating it is to be free from the cultural expression of femininity. I love my femininity. I am deeply feminine, from the inside and now I can play and experiment and I feel curious. As Liati said, it looks liberating, refreshing and leaves her with a desire to feel the same. She was right, she saw it and she knew it as she has known my soul forever, so it feels is our connection. Liberating, refreshing and always leaving us with a taste for more. I love her. She gets me so well, in all of my realms.
So, life is hard. I assure you that. My father is very unwell, in deep deep suffering. My life in my family is full of stress and conflict and pain. My body is tired and always in some form of discomfort. But I have come to feel that my soul is becoming more and more free and that like my hair it grows every day. And feeling that is a true blessing to be grateful for. And I am grateful!!
Love, Atara