So when will you meet the man of your dreams?

You are 37. You have to be on neuropahic pain medicine. You don't know if you want to have children or whether you can have children.

You might never be able to have your own child. All the dreams of your youth have been devastated. You father just came back from the psychiatric hospital today. You had group therapy for artists. It is good. It is part of what has helped me fight the depression. Seeing that I can get up early, I thought that i would never be able to get up early, I thought that I would never be able to wear my skirts again, i try so hard to forgive, i have to close myself alone in my room today because i feel that i hate them all. And we are all suffering and hurting each other and hurting ourselves. And I thought that I would have to stay in the corner of my room for the rest of my life...... How do we know when to stay quiet after trauma. We want to get the pain out. We don't want it to block us. We want to believe that even with the pain of all the losses and the pain of the physical pain.....

and there are so many of us who are suffering from pain, and doctors don't know about it, why is the female vagina property to men, but men don't take the time to understand this property? Do you women and men not see that we are suffering? You doctors why are you denying our suffering? Brother, why did you agree with Dr. Schmidt the psychiatrist when he told you that he diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. How is it? Did you all think that I was crazy? That I was being dramatic about something as serious as this. I felt that you did not understand me. I felt judged by you. I often felt hurt by you. But I never doubted your love.
And it was the same with my friends. friends dissappeared like lightening when I most needed the. And there were friends that were by my side through it all. Liat is the angel. She is finally beginning to understand that she has a lot of power. And she is so sweet, she reminds us that our importance is not dependent on the things that we do, but on the essence of our soul. And she waves the soul above my head as though she is hypnotizing me and i see hope, and i see faith. Liat was the last person that I spoke to before I went to swallow all the pills that I did. She had no idea that I was going to try to end it. And she told me that if I would have died it would have been a mistake.
Can somethink like that be a mistake? That a normal healthy beautiful young woman not be able to have sex.....and she is called hysterical or frigid. Thousands of women cannot enjoy sex because they are in pain and they are afraid of telling the men that they love that they are in pain. 
This is something that I don't understand.

There are too many of us dying. There are too many of us crying.

Why is our genital pain not heard?

There are so many of us suffering from this.

Why are we keeping it in silence. Are we guilty of not being real woman. Are we lying when we pretend that we are just like any other women. I am no longer like any other woman. Neither are children that I have suffered abuse at an early age.

How much do I share. How do I uncover.

What can I do to get this read, heard, acknowledged, recognized, understood, researched....

if we won't talk about it

this is the loop

that ends us in the noose

(sorry for spelling mistakes...sorry Mr. Roberts, i really do still know how to spell, that B- that you gave me on my paper ripped my ego apart, to shreds....my father helped me correct all the spelling mistakes)

people are snoring here and i am smoking pot

and if i got away from the russian police than i get away with smoking tonight even if it is just for jun

i would love to make love again

but, love means something different to me today

something that i am not sure that i will eve have, and i don't want anything else

i knew what love was since forever, how come there is so much suffering?

And what can i do to alleviate it?

Wearing my wigs help me. I love being mischevous and I am a major flurt. I flurt with everything, babies woman, trees, starts, prayer-books. flowers and more flowers and this is so romantic and.....i feel all around tired of men.

Many of the men that i have spent my days with have been mostly loving and compassion, no maybe not many maybe only those that i got close to...

but i still haven't found what i am looking for

and my stomach fills itself up with butterflies and spring is on its way and maybe my father will survive....or maybe, what????

wow. stop here. stop now. you don't want to share too much. that was how my last date went. The guy told me what i should say and how i should say things on my next date with another guy.

I was like, oh...your blue eyes.....

what can i say, i guess that all in all i haven't been impressed

But then i know the truth that it all depends on me

that i have to accept it all

that i have to live whole with it

and that that is the best that i can do

So, i am trying hard to believe that i will bring on the 3rd wave of feminism...

And what if i don't go to the gym......I cried when i asked a j-dater if we could walk when we go out for coffee and i told him that i chronic pain  so sitting is hard

I cried when he did not answer my e-mail. Testing the borders is part of coming back to "normalcy". Trauma splits things into parts. It creates a new brain that experiences the trauma everywhere...the anxiety takes over everything

my dad

i am doing better, i had a better start, a lot more faith than he did,,,,,am i kidding myself to think that resurrections can happen in one lifetime.

No, I am not kidding myself. It is true. The resurrection, the rise of the erection can take place in the same lifetime. Only that it is only for men. Women will not be resurrected because they are inferior and therefore it is completely right to beat them and to rape them because they already came here as lesser beings. And when they are raped they become public property. A raped woman will not dare to tell the police that she was raped because then the police will rape her.

I want to cry.

I want to scream.

Oh my god, what has happened to our voice?

How terrifying to think. My grandmother disliked men. She had a deep distaste for them. Though she loved her son deeply and she loved my younger brother very deeply. And she did not mind going to the shuk with me and noticing the men notice me. Really, they were noticing her. She had aged with them and some of them respected her.