We went to the Feminist Club and talked to the women there about our conditions. I was very passionate (as I always am when I do the things that I believe in). Thank God I have been keeping myself busy. Otherwise the depression is like a suction cup or sinking sand, a whirl-wind or maybe a black hole. When i am busy doing the things that are meaningful to me, creating my life anew, I feel good, even with the pain. So, I have been feeling better and excitement and passion have returned to my being. We will have a table at Lesley University on the evenings of the Vagina Monologues. It is time to make signs to attract the crowds that are just waiting for our crusade to begin. If I am not on a mission I will die. If I am not a shaman than I will die. And yesterday, despite my high and exhausting pain level I participated in the scrap-booking workshop and it was great! And so, I feel that I am succeeding in putting the pieces of my puzzled life and self back together again. And yes, once again connecting to the feeling that I am a part of something larger than myself and that I have a duty and an obligation to this larger self to spread awareness, to create community and to bring about change. At times like these I feel I know that we can do it. I feel that it could spread like a wave or like a fire if we just continue lighting the small sparks. Eventually the lighted sparks will begin to connect to each other and that gathered light will spread. I believe in this. I have to believe in this.
One of the girls told us about a good friend of hers who recently just started becoming sexually active. She said that she called her asking her "You know how during sex it really hurts and how afterwards it burns..." So, it sounds like we just had another hit. My first hit was at the Women's Conference when one of the women that I "educated" listened to what I went through and then said "that is exactly what my good friend is going through now. She is married with children and has been having genital pain on and off. She stopped being able to have sex and now her pais is becoming excruciating and constant. She has been going from doctor to doctor and she is not getting an answer. She just had a CT that shows nothing..." I felt like I had become my own hero, like for a moment I was flying on God's wings, that God was blessing me and allowing me to fulfill my prayer. When I was in the chambers I pleaded to be taken. But, I also begged that if this is what I must go through then please have it be for a reason. Please let me heal enough, let me reach that point where I am able to give support to others and to spread awareness. Please because this is the only way that I can accept what is happening to me. Please let this horrible suffering be for a higher purpose. So, I am trying hard. And God has been on my side this past week. My father is in the hospital wanting to die. That has not changed. But at least when I visit him I can share with him the things that I am doing. I do know that that will give him happiness even if happiness feels to him like something that no longer exists in his reality. So, thank you for helping me. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for giving me the courage and the strength and the physical ability to go out and do what I believe in. I pray for more.
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