the fight and the flag

Three days in bed, three days of rain and tears, three more days of my life lost to this horrible condition. Three days wishing that my life could end with a final period . now .

And then, the awakening, the coming back to life, the fighter in me pushes its way out from the dark abyss. I don't even feel her until she has made it through to my throat, until the tears turn into wrenched sobs and here she is, again. I know her so well, sometimes i wish that she would die too. But she does not. She fights with her spirit and she has a spirit that is much larger and much braver then me. She comes up out of the dungeon, out of the depression with pretty pink posters : SUPPORT GROUP FOR GENITAL PAIN SYNDROMES.  She bought  the pink/violet paper many months ago. She carried it on her back even though she knew that she was carrying too much. She had plans and they were going to be pink and violet. Most of all, they were going to be. This is me.

Truly, this has always been me, only that now the pain pins me down. And she, she keeps on going. Despite the despair, despite the loss, despite the pain, she is waving pink paper. She is fighting for her survival. Don't ask me why.

I would prefer to just end it now. Like I said, with a clean round plump or dehydrated period.
She, she still has so many plans for me.
The pain.
Sometimes we fight it together. And sometimes we split.
I am not quite sure what we are fighting for.
Whatever it is, it is much larger then me.
I have been destroyed and crushed by the pain long ago. I am ember.

She, on the other hand will be sure to take a picture of the pink paper and to post it here. Trust me, I know her so well.

Victory is earned so tediously. I finally got the okay to put my posters in the pain clinic. But only on wed., the day that Dr. Volovska is in the clinic.

I put a pile two weeks ago. I was told it was okay. Then I found out that they were all thrown away, dumped in the garbage, in the bin. How sweet, I wonder if the paper was recycled. My effort and the ink won't be recycled. I had to call and call again and one more time and maybe this time and I will not give up this time and I am depressed and in bed and in pain and this time.....thank you, I will use my pink/violet paper this time. Another little step, another little step towards getting her the support she needs.