Today i can write

When I was deep in suffering and certain that my destiny was to suffer the endless torture of pne (pudendal nerve entrapment) and to eventually end it by some form of suicide..... I was unable to write much. I was terrified of everything, the ring of the phone made my heart race...noise, light... my brain was only pain, my mind was only pain, everything else was unreal, belonged to another world, a world that I once inhabited, a world that I desperately wanted to return to....I lay chained, stakes through my pelvis and up into my vagina. I cried in a way that I never had known before, wrenched out from a place within myself that I never knew existed.  A place? A dungeon of hell, of torture with no end in sight except by my own hands. How do you mourn the loss of your own life? And how do live with such torture? You don't. You don't live. You suffer desperately, endlessly. You suffer being cut up, sliced, burnt, electrocuted, twisted and wrenched ....and stabbed and stabbed and you cannot fathom that this is really what is happening to you. You cannot fathom pain that is so absolutely mind-blowing, pain that leaves you wishing you could tear your own body into pieces, pain that none can see,,,,
over and over, hour after hour, day, night, day, night..... I thought that I would go insane. I thought that I would lose my mind. I wanted to rip my self out of my body.

I am trying to balance things out here. Today I am better. Today, usually, there is one knife deep inside my vagina. It is exhausting and difficult and I cry. But I live too and I live a lot and I know that I have not gone insane and I know that life can be stronger then this god-damn condition and I know that I can see and feel things that I could not before. I am no longer only in pain. I am in pain, but I am in life too. And I can enjoy what life offers again.

So, I am trying to balance things here. I guess also for my readers and for myself . The horror is real. But today unlike then I can see and feel the beauty of the flowers. Then I could see the flowers but I could not feel them. That was scary too. Everything around me was unreal. And the life that I had lived belonged to a different me.

Until slowly I gained 'me' back and life began to teach me its wonders again.
I take pictures of the spring.

last spring i did not feel the spring
i did take pictures of the flowers
and i saw their beauty
this spring i see the flowers differently
my god, they are so beautiful
so so beautiful

i can feel them in a way that i never have before
i look inside of them and i see

i see and feel them
and i thank them

for their incredible

beauty