Vagina Poem

It has been a long day, a long and good day. My body feels good. It likes the sun and the soft heat. I smile a lot and talk to people and admire flowers, and more flowers.


Vagina

my legs are wide, open
who?, looks inside

nothing, go, away,
nothing?

my legs open wide
another who? prods inside
nothing, go away, nothing

i am in pain, i say

against the white wall my words bounce

another who?
another white wall

my legs are spread, open
who? specialist who? looks inside
go away you nothing

i am in pain white wall bounce out of here now

who? spreads wide legs open
white wall echo's pain

my head bang bang bang into white wall
pain and terror
strangle me

they, they, they do not see
me
spread your legs
vagina

BUT I AM IN PAIN. DO YOU HEAR? I CAN'T WORK. I CAN'T WALK. I CAN'T LIVE.

get out of my white wall you baby crying dot
go get a shot
something is wrong with your head

white white wall turns to barbed wire
train track under my feet
barbed wire twisting
mutilating my insides

get out, you are fine, get out

was i once human?

what am i now?

rolled ball of knives
razor blades
boiling ball flames

no such thing you girl crazy

crazy crazy crazy
in the closet

crazy crazy no such thing railway tracks

spread your legs crazy
crazy spread your legs


razor blades ripping through my flesh day and night

pudendal neuralgia?

yes, yes

we know

how terrible

i am so sorry

spread your legs dead crazy white walls echo

when did i become human again

WHY DIDN'T ANY OF THE GOD-DAMN DOCTORS LISTEN TO WHAT I WAS TELLING THEM? WHY DID NOT ANY OF THOSE GOD-DAMN HUMAN BEINGS HEAR MY DESPERATE CRY FOR HELP?

I write the horror in poetry. I think that to write it in prose is still too painful. I was dehumanized. I became invisible. What I said did not matter. No ONE took the time to try to hear me, to try to help me. Being invisible was terrifying. Being invisible when I was pleading and crying for help transformed the world into a terrifying place. My body was in complete disconnect and I was desperately trying to get what I was experiencing across to the doctors. They could not see anything wrong and my desperation meant nothing to them.
I was just another patient to walk into their office and to walk out of their office. My cry for help, my desperation, my explanation that I could no longer function because the pain was so intense and overwhelming fell onto so many doctor's deaf ears. It is frightening when everything turns black like that around you, when everyone shuts down around you.


TODAY I was back, me, the one that I thought that I lost forever; the open and smiling one that talks to strangers and has life happen to her at such a pace where the spiritual and the physical mingle into one reality. TODAY, I thought of the people who left me on the road-side, and I said baaaaaah, I am still alive. Baaaaaaah, you have not succeeded in destroying me. Baaaaaaah it is me, it is me, this is me. DAMN YOU ALL uncaring souls. I care. I have love and compassion in my heart. 

Today I can actually say that I felt happy.

I believe that this is the first time in two and a half years that I felt happy for a day; a whole day.


My father came home today and he helped me water the flowers.

I wish that more people would read my blog. I wish that people would respond to my blog. I wish that people would share with me. I wish...

for another happy day, tomorrow.

Love,
    Atara