Oh yeah, and then the time that I cried and cried and cried. And my mother hugged me and asked me why i was crying. And i told her that i was crying because I was worthless. And she said "How could you be worthless." And she said "Don't you see how valuable you are to us."

Today when I spoke to my father i asked him "doesn't our love mean something to you?"

Shouldn't love be stronger then pain and depression.

Sometimes it isn't. It just isn't.

Until you smoke a joint and remember all the happy and shiny people.


My father said that he would like to smoke a joint with me. He was too good a boy to ever smoke a joint. So, even 70 year olds suffering from clinical depression  have reasons to be alive.

My dad will be 70 next month. I plan to make him a surprise party. Just cuz i wanna see him smile and laugh. I really miss seeing him smile and laugh. When he smiles and laughs his eyes and his mouth get so close to each other. Just thinking about it makes me smile. It is kind-of hard to see my father's face smiling and to not smile too. There is sweetness and playfulness and love and kindness and understanding. And you can see it all so clearly when he smiles.

So, i have something to look forward to also. Maybe a little joint in an envelope will be his birthday present.

Hey friend from Cape Cod, thanks for calling. You stopped my tears.

Love,

Atara