Another Post.

I was there
You know
That night
When it rained a bit
When you bought two containers of...
And downed them with the lake water

I saw you smile when you thought about the rats that traveled on the banks of the lake
You liked the fact that the waters were made of rats and geese and everything else that lived and breathed its sustenance
You knew that you were no different
There was no need for mineral water
The lake's water was just as good

You know, I was there, with you
I watched you slide open the garbage door and shudder with the thought of dying there
I watched you pull open the doors to that strange square container
And shudder when you found that it is was full of water
And when you saw the person opening its doors and finding you there, bloated and blue

No, you did not want to die that way
And you did not want to scar any ones mind that way

You wanted a peaceful death
You wanted a beautiful view
You wanted quiet and acceptance by your side

You know, I did not leave you for a second
God damn it,
All those months of hell burning itself into your flesh
with no end in sight
I did not leave you

I was loyal to you
Not like your cousins who saw and knew that you were dying
but never called or wrote
God damn, the pain

I never left you
And for this I give you credit
All the credit in the world
As I watch you struggle through your days

Believing that even if you suffer until the end
And even if your life is far from what you wished it to be

You  can still do what you can do to help the others that come after you

I give you credit
All the credit in the world for this

I suffer, with so much love in my heart, for you.


Two cousins that I used to meet many Friday nights by my grandmother for dinner...
they were in my room last night (dream)

Honestly, this will get me nowhere.
There are things that I can't understand.
Like friends and family that deserted me in my suffering.

I remind myself often that I always have my self. That I will never leave my self. That in the act that could have left my body for the birds and the flies,  I was there. Smiling at the geese, ready to leave.