I am worthless because I suffer from a pain syndrome that leaves me in a constant form of suffering and coping. Even when i smile and am relaxed there is always that part of me that is wound up and in deeper discomfort.



My friends are married and giving birth. The only thing that is committed to going to sleep with me and to waking up with me is the pain and the exhaustion.



So, I feel like I am less than everyone else. And I feel like I am definitely damaged goods. I don't work. I have a hard time concentrating. I cannot sit without feeling the knife inside of me warn me that what I am doing is outright bad for my body and my sanity.



It is so easy for me to fall into the "i am worthless, i am useless" pit. I talked to Liati today (my green-eyed angel friend) and as usual we talked about the essence.



Oh, the essence. The essence of me cannot be damaged or less worthy than anyone else.


Dating makes it tough. Maybe I am brave and courageous, only what is it worth if I cannot value my own courage?


NORMAL people. MMMMMMmmmmmmm.
To wake up early and go to work and then to the gym (i want to shout when i write this lethal word) and then to meet friends or ........



Me, I will meet you on the floor of my room. You want to join me? Could be exciting to go out with a chronic pain syndrome. You think?


Sure! Absolutely! It will be a blast! Pass the Lyrica, the Cymbalta, the birth control which doesn't work anymore, the atavan, the opium and belladona suppositories.... while you are busy with those guys I will be here, waiting for you, with some red wine.
Could you make that a joint, instead?
Pass the pain relief please.

Oh, honey, I miss you.
You do?
Where are you? What are you doing?
I mean, What do you do?

Say what?

Oh, sure. I will be happy to lay down next to you. In fact, if I could only get my hands on you!!!!

Darling, if you marry a pain syndrome, you are going to have to work hard. Cuz i will be spending a large portion of my time either trying to sleep, doing deep breathing or sobbing cuz it hurts just a bit too much.

My J-date Profile: Pain.

I have to go water the garden if I want to have one tomorrow.

Love