Support Group On Facebook!!

So, the support group on facebook is great! People really try to help each other out and there is so much room for questions and sharing of experiences. (what worked/did not work). You enter your facebook, search for pudendal neuralgia support, ask to join the group.....and yippie, you make a lot of new friends in an instant. Friends that understand!!!! (which reminds me that i have friends that understand with their hearts. you really don't have to suffer in order to understand. deep caring does the job too.)

Ummmm, i spent the day at the lake. The feeling of being "less than" goes with me everywhere. It is hard losing that sense of security with myself. I really appreciate the comment that was sent in response to my 'i am worthless' post. I could call it the 'ode to the self-centered non-existent I' post. I am reading three books at the same time, trying to internalize the Buddhist truth of the non-existent 'I'. But my sense of  'less than' is definitely keeping me from enlightenment.

Wouldn't Buddhist monks have developed pn (pudendal neuralgia) from the extensive sitting? I wonder if there is any documentation or knowledge of it. There must be.

As a Drama Therapist in Israel I worked with a wonderful man who suffered from severe schizophrenia. He was in his 60's and was as wise as I was pretty (just kidding). He used to look at me and say that he was 'Fakakt' and then he would burst out into a deep fulfilling laughter. In Yiddish 'Fakakt' means something like 'done with, no good anymore.' His laughter was contagious and I would laugh into his laughter at the absurdity of it all. How could my wise teacher be 'Fakakt.'? Deep down I believe that we all know that we are worthy and that our lives are precious. I can tell you that my dear friend who suffered and suffered and suffered wanted to live forever. As for me, I always thought that he was crazy, and solely because of that! (joke, i hate the word crazy)

The love that I felt for some of the men that I worked with as a therapist helped me get through some of my hardest pn times. I knew that they were rooting for me. I knew that they had let me into their world and into their suffering because they believed in me, as a fellow human being. They saw that I cared and they got out of bed to meet me. That is the part of me that pain cannot take away. The part that cares. I remember the day that I told my father that i am whole because I worked hard in this life to help and care for others who were in need of this. My father looked at me, asking "What do you mean by saying that?"

He knew that I meant that I was ready to leave any time. I was letting go. I was constantly warning as though my family could get used to the idea of me leaving. As though that could be a fathomable reality for them.

It is almost 3:00 in the morning and I think that I should go to bed. But I am leaking words...

Love,
Atara